Confessions...

September 30, 2014

In light of recent events, I have had to coach my daughter to stop lying to get people to like her and I have realized that so many people do this that it is almost scary. I guess I already kind of knew this, but more light than usual has been shed on this subject. I, like too many others, have partially been living a lie. I tell her not to worry what other people think of her. I tell her that if that person does not put a roof over your head, food on your plate, or a grade on your homework, than it doesn't matter what they think. In this world of material items, when the entire focus on life is on how much money you make and how many material items you can buy, this point is very hard to drive home, especially to a child who loves pretty sparkly things. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with her liking pretty sparkly things, but I want her to like them because SHE likes them. I want her to like them because seeing them makes her feel happy, not because Susy Sunshine likes it and everybody likes her.

I explained to her that I love lime green, because everytime I see it, it makes me feel happy. I don't like things just because other people do, I like them because they make me feel happiness. I'm not up to date on all the latest trends. I'm not interested in the fact that my favorite pair of jeans are flare leg and that's completely out of style. I'm not interested in the fact that some people didn't approve of my hot pink or rainbow hair that I had this spring. I am certainly not interested in what people who do not affect my everyday life are thinking about me. I am, however, a little too concerned with what people that DO affect my life think about me, my personality, or my choices. It's time for that to come to an end.

What type of an example am I setting if I am constantly thinking about what they think? As soon as my daughter gets a boyfriend or a best friend who doesn't approve of her taste in fashion or her enthusiasm for odd hobbies, will she just try to change herself to fit their form because she is too afraid to lose their interest? I don't want her to. I want her to stand up for what makes her happy. If she isn't hurting anyone or herself, what does it matter if she likes to, I don't know, paint pictures of fairies and mermaids all day.

So here is my confession. I do not like to play social games, even though I am rather good at them. In fact, I hate it. I hate smiling at people that I don't like just because they are friends with my friend. I hate acting like I'm proper and lady-like when I have to burp. I hate sugar coating the truth for people when they need to be hit with a 2 x 4. Ok, Ok, I understand that one, because sometimes the truth can hurt more than the mistake a person will make... so that one is up for interpretation. Really though, I hate pretending to have a good time when I am not. I hate drinking with a bunch of people that I don't like and still being expected to keep the painted smile on and not to say things that are inappropriate. I hate pretending that I'm the kind of person who sits around and drinks and small talks. Those of you who know me well, know that I'm not the most appropriate person. I clean up well when needed, but it's not my natural habitat. I'm not Tyrion Lannister, I could never live in King's Landing. Small talk is for shallow people. Small talk is for people who are covering up who they truly are inside because they are afraid of rejection of their true self.

Like I told my daughter, If you don't show your true self, you will never find other people that are like you. Here are the things that I enjoy. Learning, getting good grades, languages, codes, flourescent colors, skater shoes, belly shirts, short shorts, poetry, music with good lyrics, intelligent conversation, deep meaningful conversations, contemplating the universe, science, the paranormal, the supernatural, nature, animals, cultures, travelling, discovery, helping people, intimacy, passion, love, good sex, good food, the sound of the ocean crashing on the shore, the smell of salt air, the smell of the forest, gymnastics, contortionists, tattoos, adrenaline rushes, things that go vroom, the sound of a turbo paired with a blow-off valve, driving fast, nerdy glasses, backwards hats, homemade jewelry, achieving, resourcefulness, and honesty. I'm sure there are plenty of other things that I'm forgetting.

I am me, a pile of random likes and dislikes because they make me feel a certain way. I do not like things because other people like them. I do not dislike things because someone tells me that they are wrong. I listen, observe, and form my own opinion based on my observation. If what I observe changes, than so does my opinion.


Love,
       ~*Tandiey*~

It's Almost Amusing...

It's almost amusing how people act differently in front of certain people than they do with others. It is also amusing how much you can find out about a person by looking through their communication devices. I know my email and phone would tell a very interesting story about my life if anyone cared to peer into them. I find myself wondering at this moment... when people tell lies... do they even realize how much they are lying or do think that they are just embellishing the truth a bit to lessen the blow on the other party? My opinion is this... It is not up to me or you to assume the impact that truth would have on another individual. It is up to me to speak truth or remain silent. I am coming to the realization that silence is invaluable. Silence is the route that surpasses all others. Being silent in a heated debate gives the appearance that you are listening (even if you are not), it doesn't intensify the situation, it prevents you from saying something that is in fact untrue due to your own blinding fury, it keeps you relatively blameless during the dispute, and it leaves you with nothing to apologize for later. If you keep silent and do actually listen, you can connect the dots of what is really going on for the other person. Here is where the line runs thin. Decision time... Once the dots are connected and you see the real reason for the emotion that the person is feeling, do you speak it? Whose truth is it... yours or the person's whom you are analyzing? So many questions. So many options. So many paths and none of them right or wrong.

I used to be an extremely outspoken individual and I am realizing little by little that the more I shut my mouth and observe, the more I learn about the world around me. The only problem with that is that I am only learning about the world and not learning about myself. I have come to the brutal realization that I am not as in touch with my inner being as I once thought that I was. Or maybe it is that I have become less in touch with it as I have grown up and become so involved in the routine of society, responsibilities, money, and duty, that I have drifted away from my inner beacon. Whatever the case may be, it is clearly not healthy. I have a complex about being selfish. Yes, I know *don't go pouring your heart and weaknesses out on the internet* ... I hear the little voice... and yes, I am choosing to ignore it. I am leaving a gaping void in the fortress wall.

Here it is, my mother told me most of my life that I was a selfish little bitch. Big surprise, I was a mouthy teenage girl who was left responsible for the household and myself at age 9. I prefer to think that I was less of a selfish bitch, than a strict female with a strong sense of responsibility for myself and that which affected me. In real terms, a survivor. I woke myself up, fed myself, taught myself school (I was homeschooled), cleaned up after myself, and then... I mothered all the children in the neighborhood when they were sent outside to play until dinner. I have spent my entire life being responsible. My first job was when I was 13 and babysitting, I got another job when I was 15 at the golf course and rode my bike 3+ miles to get there and another 3 miles to get home. At 18 I bought my own car, thanks to a trust fund I had from getting viciously attacked by a dog at 3 years old. With that I also paid ahead on car insurance, bought a mobile home with my boyfriend, funded part of my college, and saved as much as possible. When I learned that college was too expensive to continue I moved back home and got the first job that I could. Thank you Walmart. I excelled in my position and within 3 months was considered for an hourly management position which I lost only due to not being bi-lingual. However, I continued to exceed expectations and ended up knowing more than most hourly and salary managers in my section. When I realized that wasn't going to pave my future I looked to the military and became and airman. Once again excelled in my environment and was chosen to be a student leader in basic training and offered the same in tech school. My grades were second in my class upon graduating and I moved on to my first base. During my time there I filled most of my training log in record time, and upon transferring to my second base, I was told by my supervisor that he was sorry to see such an amazing airman go and that I would do well wherever my path takes me. At my new duty station, I once again completed my training in record time and earned "Performing Airman of the Quarter" for excellent workmanship, cooperation with others, and professionalism. At what I thought was to be my civilian career, I continued to excel by learning and executing with extreme quality and efficiency, every single job description in the entire department, including most of my supervisor's duties as well. I became a lead and then took on another position as well. By the end of my time there, I was doing the work of three different positions daily and still keeping up with deadlines. Now for my current endeavor of college again. I am back in school for a new career path. My first semester back, full time and I finished my classes with a 4.0 GPA, was immediately put into the honors program, and received a letter notifying me that I was placed on the president's list. My second semester is currently underway and I am holding a steady GPA of 4.0. Am I selfish? No. I am responsible. I am a homeowner, I have paid off one vehicle and am still working on my second, I am a parent and a *step*-parent, I have pretty damn decent credit for all the obstacles I have had to face getting to where I am. I work for what I need to survive and I do as much as I can to make life as easy as possible for myself and those I love. Selfish? I don't think so. Ask any of the people that I have opened my home(s) to that needed a place to stay during a rough patch, ask them how much I requested that they contribute while under my roof, ask them if they were fed and comfortable, if they had a ride when they were without a vehicle, if they had a shoulder to cry on when they just couldn't take it anymore, ask them... any of them. No one will. Why? Because no one cares. No one cares what I have done, what I have conquered, mastered, the obstacles that I have overcome. No one cares about the accomplishments that I made and have shared with countless others. The only things they seem to care about are those that I haven't done. Lately, they seem to be the only things that I care about too.

I no longer feel satisfaction for my achievements - It's just "my job." Did I get a reward for doing three people's jobs at work? Nope, I just got taken advantage of, more work piled on me, until I was so stressed out that I couldn't handle it anymore. Where am I now? Did working my ass off on base get me anything more than a stupid plaque to decorate my wall? Or getting a 4.0 GPA get me anything more than a fancy letter of congratulations? No. It didn't. The only things that get me anywhere in life are the things I do for myself and by doing them for myself, I can help others do for themselves. So you see, even though you may think that I make selfish decisions to better my life, it is within doing this that I can help others with their own situations. Having gone through the situations myself, I can understand their point of view, I can give sound advice on what step to take next, and I can help point people in the direction of progress when they feel lost, victimized, and helpless.

In the end, it doesn't matter if people are mean to you, if they lie to you, if they hurt your feelings, if they make life difficult, or stomp on what you have achieved. Keep being yourself, keep doing things for yourself, because in the end... they won't be responsible for you. Only you will be responsible for you and there is no one to blame but yourself. Do the things you like, be the person you like to see in the mirror, be proud of what you have accomplished and continue to do things that you will be proud of because you are the only person who can judge your actions. No one knows what you have done better than you do. Why should you waste this life trying to make everyone else happy, denying your own happiness, when you would touch more people's lives by fighting your own battles, winning your own wars, and having something to be proud of. That is more of an inspiration for others than any words on a poster, any lyrics in a song, or any stupid self help book.

I will not be ashamed of what I am, who I am, what I like, and the path I am on. It is my path to walk and I walk it alone, just as each one of you walk your path alone. Other people's paths cross ours, run together with them, and sometimes we walk the same path for a time, but no one's paths are identical to that of another. We all live our lives, face situations, and experience things differently from the person standing next to us. So cherish your individuality and if you want to sing and dance down your path, do it. If you want to cry and stumble down your path, do it. If you want to march down your path, do it. Whatever it is that you do, own your path because it is yours and yours alone. I would rather inspire one person to live a life that they are proud of than to make a whole bunch of people happy for a minute. I want to be the change that I want to see in the world. That is my path. In another couple of years, maybe my path will change directions or something, but so far... I have been the change and only recently have I diverted from my path. It is time to get back on it. It is time to be nothing more than who I am. I don't need to make anyone else proud but me.


~*Tandiey*~

This... THIS... Is what I'm talking about!

I found this page, accidentally, through pinterest.com and now that I'm reading it... I am realizing (even more than before), that this REALLY resonates with me. Look at what this guy is saying.

"There are times I’ve thought about getting a “real” job long enough to earn enough to hire someone with a dozer to come clear and level a few acres of our property for a larger garden and hay meadow. He could get more done in two days than I could in a month of hard labor.

If I got a job, I could make about $15 an hour. By the time taxes andSocial Security are deducted, I’m making about $12 per hour. Plus there’s the driving time, which in our area would be about 90 minutes each way. Now figure in gasoline to drive to work, which at current rates will be around $120 per week minimum. I’m making about $480 per week take-home pay and spending $120 per week of that for fuel, which leaves me $360 for my effort. But remember, not only am I working 40 hours a week, I’m spending another 15 hours in travel time, plus losing another five hours per week due to the hour allotted for lunch. My job is eating up 70 hours of my time each week, and after taxes and fuel I’m “making” roughly $5.14 per hour of effort expended. (Remember, the government is taking $3 per hour right off the top before I see any of it.)

Now out of that I’ll have extra maintenance on my vehicle, plus the eventual replacement cost since it’s going to wear out much faster and we’ll have to pay insurance on an extra vehicle since my wife will need a licensed and insured vehicle while I’m at work. Since I’m in town every day, we’ll spend more for things we wouldn’t normally have purchased. So let’s pretend I’ll end up with an extra $150 per week to hire a dozer and operator to clear five acres of land. He’s going to charge me $100 per hour, and it will take him about 15 hours to clear and level that five acres. His fee is going to be $1,500. Now do the math. I have $150 per week to applytoward his work, so it’s going to take me 10 weeks to save enough to pay him. In that 10 weeks, I’ll have devoted 700 hours of my time to pay him for 15 hours of work. It would take me about 350 hours to clear and level that five acres by hand. Also, if I do it myself, I won’t be paying $1,200 to the government in taxes and another $1,200 to the gas station, and I won’t be insuring, maintaining, and replacing another vehicle.

The key here is that I’m not going to do it all at one time. In fact, it might take me a couple of years while devoting a few hours per day to the project, but that’s okay. There’s no rush, and I’d rather take the extra timeworking at home than spend it in the city breathing polluted air, putting up with the constant noise, enduring the harried atmosphere, and supporting the government, insurance companies, and oil industry. I’ve done enough of that in my life already. I’ve paid the price of convenience, and it cost too much." -- http://www.grit.com   

I'm sure you just skimmed through that. STOP... Now go back and really READ it. Think about it. Add it up. Doesn't it make SO much sense? No no... Think about it logically. It does. It makes total sense. Ok so, now the result of his hard work... Check this out. 

"If it takes me 50 hours a week to provide those things, I’m still “working” 20 hours less per week than I was before, and we end up with two or three months of vacation time every year to spend wherever we want to be."

They get to take a COUPLE month long vacation... Really? So wait... you're telling me, that if I work, at my own homestead, I get to actually reap the direct reward of my OWN labor, see the progress of my hard work, and feel accomplished at the end of the season or hell... even the end of the day? Wait... and THEN... if I work really hard, I can even get a month long vacation? This sounds like freaking paradise to me. I don't have to drive to a place I hate, to spend all day with a bunch of people that I can't stand, doing something that is super unsatisfactory, so I can pay more money to upkeep the job, the cars, the clothes, just to help someone else create THEIR dream, while still literally only dreaming about mine. 

This right here... this is me now. Except the last sentence. But it will... It will be me. 

"The irony of the situation is that I used to work my regular job, then come home and work in my garden, pick huckleberries, and go hunting, fishing and trapping for fun. Now I get up every morning and do the things I’ve always truly enjoyed doing." 

Love, 

Tandiey

Christmas time...

Well, here it is folks... December 22nd, 2012. The Apocalypse date came and went. No grand earthquakes, volcanoes, meteor strikes, nothing... It was actually a pretty uneventful and relaxed day. At least for me. Had a beautiful Winter Solstice ritual at the house of a wonderful lady in my group. It was a great time, with good friends, food, and a beautiful fire. Today was pretty much the same, lazed around and got some stuff cleaned up in the house some. Went with Derrick to assist in shopping for his 2 older kids. That was only like an hour or so...
Took Rayne to JoAnne Fabrics to go look for some stuff for her altar. She has recently been asking me for an altar so she can kneel by it to pray. Not really sure where she got that idea from exactly, since that isn't what I do at mine... nor do I place my palms together to pray. To each their own, and if that's what feels right to her, I would rather her use her intuition. So we got some cool hot pink sheer fabric with silver stars all over it, for me to sew into an altar cloth for her. Also found a pendant that looks like a fairy door, which was just soooo cool so I think we will use that to make her a "rosary" or prayer beads or whatever you want to call them. Trying to find CHEAP flameless candles is like.... yeah not happening... I'm like down to the idea of buying a pack of 4 white ones and then painting them myself for the colors of the elements. Crazy I say!
While D and I were out shopping today I found this GREAT metal star decor thingy. I snatched it up and it was on sale.... $5.93!!! What a bargain. So it's now proudly hanging on my living room wall :) My first bit of witchy decor ;) Hopefully, plenty more to come. After visiting Robin's house I have SOO many ideas of things to do in mine! It was like a witchy inspiration for home decorating lol. I think I may even want to give up my spotless modern kitchen idea and swap it for a more vintage country feel. *gasp* I know right??!! I guess time will tell. My kitchen works JUST fine for now... even though I hate the pink counters... I still absolutely love my home. Best decision I ever made was buying this house. Even with all it's quirks and problems... I love it. It's mine! It's got space and love, and uniqueness, and charm, and oddities, but best of all, TONS of potential... It's great!
It is SOOO cold today and yesterday! I don't know how long this is supposed to last... OMG!! It's supposed to get down to 37 degrees tonight! That's crazy for FL. Oh well, I guess it's good for putting people in the Christmas mood though. Well, since I'm getting tired now, maybeeeee I should get to bed. Looking forward to the next time I get to snuggle up next to my love and fall asleep. Guess we will see what happens on that front. So be it! Times are changing, vibrations are changing, my life is changing, faster than I ever imagined. If only I would stop subconsciously resisting them! CHANGE IS GOOD TANDIEY!!! lol ok Night...

Love,
Tandiey Lynn

Adjusting...

I am undergoing a whole lot of personal adjustments. It is turning out to be extremely hard for me. The past week has been jam packed with tons of crying and a little screaming, tons of frustration, yelling, and really nice tight hugs from my loving boyfriend who is being very patient and helpful even when he gets frustrated with me and loses it. I can say now more than ever, the phrase, "Communication is everything" has never rang more true for me. If we are mad, we talk... sad, we talk... happy, we talk... disappointed, we talk... bubbling with joy, we talk. How is the other going to know how you are feeling if you do not communicate those feelings forth to one another. My boyfriend irritates the ever loving piss out of me, but I love him so much because he speaks his truths. Speaking truth is one way to keep your power. I need someone that I can rely on to tell me truth regardless of if it hurts or not. He does that. He is learning to deal with me and I am learning to deal with him. It's all a learning process. A very odd one, but we are both learning just the same. I guess that's all I have to say for now. Good night. I thank the universe for bringing Derrick and myself together again after so many hundreds of years. Hail Divine Spirits!

Love, 

Tandiey

Reflection...

I just want to write this down because I have not felt this peaceful since I can ever remember. This Thanksgiving was absolutely phenomenal. Not because of anything crazy awesome happening, but rather almost a lack thereof. Wednesday was a good night, nothing really, just got some stuff done and hung out. Thursday, woke up and kinda putted around for a while, and then Derrick and I got to working in the kitchen. We worked SO well as a team to do everything from prepping to cooking to maneuvering around each other. It was insanely smooth. I made 2 types of stuffing. One for in the turkey and one to bake. They both came out well. The baked one was a little burned on the bottom and dry because we had it under the turkey in the oven for 45 minutes, but it still tastes good and I FINALLY put the right amount of salt in it this year!! He helped me with chopping up stuff and and peeled the potatoes and made snacks and helped me when I didn't know what I was doing. I made deviled eggs for the first time ever! I cleaned the turkey and he cooked the turkey. OMG soo awesome.. it was falling off the bones when it came out and He used wine and butter. Yum. We ate around 4:30 and watched football and just chilled out. It was so relaxing and rewarding and I kept the kitchen clean the WHOLE time!!! I was so proud. I also made Cherry Cheese Pie and Pumpkin Pie too. So delicious... what an awesome Thanksgiving :) Friday we went out to Walmart to get him a microwave and it wasn't even that packed. So that all went smoothly too. We came home and washed and waxed my car and his scooter together with Rayne. My car looks so beautiful! It's so nice to have had the last few days being productive, but also relaxing. It's such a contradiction, but it just worked. Words can really not express how much this Thanksgiving vacation meant to me. It was beyond amazing for me. Everything that I feel life should really be about.

Looking back on the last year of my life it's just crazy... I never ever thought I would be where I am right now with the views I have right now, a year ago. The last year has brought me tears of sadness and of joy both. As of now, I wouldn't change a thing, because it all happened to get me to this place at this moment and this moment.... isn't too bad ;) A year ago, so much was so different and yet, so much the same. I'm changing. I want to change. I'm going to do this. The earth is changing, I can feel her vibrations. I am a very earthy person and I will change with her. This transition may be rough, but I have to remember the beauty that will come afterward. I know it's coming. It's all about adaptation. I'm usually so good at adapting. But this... this has been really difficult for me. It's still difficult. It may take me longer than others to get through this and figure it out, but I WILL do it. I will adapt, change, morph, and re-evaluate. I'm going to have a beautiful life. We will make it happen. I have to remember that not everything is like it has been in the past. Things are changing fast so I can't base my knowledge of what's to come, on what has happened before. It will be inaccurate. That's all for now. I'm ready to sleep. A year... changes everything.

Love,

Tandiey

So bored...

I've been going going going all day today, so now I'm sitting here waiting for Derrick to get here, Rayne is asleep, and I don't feel like being ambitious anymore tonight. I was going to play Sims, but my computer keeps crashing... It's pretty irritating. Hmm... Maybe I'll play Assassin's Creed II. Not a bad idea... Well that writing was short lived lol. Happy Thanksgiving to all!!

Love

Tandiey