This has been hard...

This week I had a dream. It came to me 3 times in one night, that is how I knew that I needed to listen. I kept telling myself, "It's time". I knew what it pertained to. I knew what I was supposed to do. It was very hard to gather the courage to do it, but I did. I told him that I was done. I just can't do this anymore. He was taking it pretty hard. We both cried for awhile. I had to go to work, so we dried our tears and dismissed it a bit. Then he started acting like I had never said anything, which was frustrating me. I asked him if he was going to stop and he said yes, that it was a habit. Then tonight, I burst out more harshly than I should have. He made some smart remark to me and ended it in "baby" and I spouted off, "I ain't your fucking baby." I guess I crushed him. I walked out after a minute of a blank stare and low snarl. I guess about an hour later, I went to go find him to apologize for being so rude and insensitive, and couldn't find him. So I texted him. I got no response. 11:00 he comes rolling in drunk. He had walked across the street to buy some alcohol. I was playing Socom. So here we are, after all this nonsense, I was wondering where the hell he was and if he was at least ok. Shortly after he comes home drunk, he ends up in the bathroom puking. *sigh* So here I am shooting people on Socom and taking care of my puking husband that I am in the process of breaking up with. FML. I think he does this subconsciously on purpose. Every time that I have tried to break up with him, some "tragedy" happens and I have to come to the rescue. He knows that I can't turn away from some one that I care about so he knows that I will end up helping him. I think he uses it against me with out even knowing that he is doing it. Ugh. How I wish that I was going to work tomorrow. I so do NOT want to be home, near home, with him, anywhere here at all. I am so frustrated and just grrrr. I need to talk to someone so badly, but there is no one here for me to talk to. Of course, like I said a thousand times before... I am always alone, even when I'm not.

Love,
   Emilie

Tandiey