I have no clue...

So I'm trying to decide what to do... Should I blog about all my issues, or should I watch Suckerpunch... lol right? Right. Well I guess maybe I'll do both. Today I think a lot of frustration and weird feelings have come to a nice pimply head. I didn't even need to squeeze lol it just popped. I can't trust anyone. Not even myself and I think that is what today was really about. I am SOOO mad at people for not sticking to what they say and I have so many trust issues, that the second I see one little thing it's like this huge red flag goes up and I'm all like OMG DON'T TRUST HIM!!! LOOK LOOK HE IS BETRAYING YOU RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK! Even if it's over the dumbest thing. I guess I'm overly sensitive. Everything hurts me. Which is something I'm working on and Derrick is helping me the best he can. Even with me getting so mad at him for what is really nothing in the end. All he really wants to do is help me and make me understand that what I am doing is just hurting myself, which is bad for everyone involved. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. I know he isn't out doing stupid crap with other girls, he has his priorities straight for the most part, and underneath that asshole exterior, he is really a caring, loving, and good person.

I have a really bad issue with saying things. When I was in the shower, I was thinking about blogging when I got out and I really realized that I say a lot of stuff that I don't necessarily mean. I mean them at the moment, but usually not in the long run. What I write down is more accurate of my actual beliefs on any given matter. That being said, I'm going to try to list some of my real issues. 

• Too sensitive to the opinions and energies of others. [*Let others define who I am*]
• Get overly emotional without necessarily rationalizing the situation. [*Just go on how I feel*]
• Feel my feelings too intensely. [*Super happy then raging angry over things that are not that serious*]
• Become offensive when feeling scared or confused. [*If I bite first I won't get hurt*]
• Trouble relaxing without becoming stagnant. [*No in between full throttle and park*]
• Use sleep as an escape. [*Whenever I "just can't take it" I want to sleep*]
• Difficulty dealing with other people's mistakes. [*Sick of having to clean up after stupid people's bad choices*]
• Don't recognize my achievements/accomplishments and don't give myself a fair amount of credit for the things I have achieved. [*Can't pat myself on the back*]
• Worry too much about how other people feel about me and not enough about how I feel about me. [*Hoping everyone will like the decision I made whether I do or not*]
• Seeking approval. [*Just want people to be proud of me*]
• Most of all, not liking myself.... 

Hell, I don't even know who I am anymore. Somewhere in the last... I would say, 5 or so years, I have completely lost who I thought I was, what I liked, and worst of all, I lost my personality. Not to say that I don't have one because... I DO. Just a lot of my old friends will be like, where is the Emmy we used to know? Where did she go and who are you? I think that is one reason I am having this [what I like to call] midlife crisis of mine. Somewhere between becoming a mother, a soldier, and a wife... I rushed into it so hard that I left myself somewhere in the Poconos, to get lost in the woods, never to be seen again. So now, here I am inventing myself all over again. It's really hard. Everything that I once loved, just doesn't really do it for me anymore... My cars, my video games, my clothes, my hair, my music, my computers... I used to be such a gear head, gamer geek chick, made my own style, always doing something new and crazy with my look, I used to love programming and web page design. Now? What do I do now? I get up and go to work so I can pay for a bunch of stuff that I don't have time to enjoy. That's how I feel. What is the point in that? I hate materialism. I like my stuff, don't get me wrong, but what good is any of it if I can't use it or enjoy it. I go to a job [a good one] that I unfortunately, am not interested in anymore... moreover, I actually hate. I dread going to work. When I used to love working there... now I absolutely hate it. Why? Because I can't make a difference anymore. Because they don't listen to the workers anymore, because engineering has their head SO far up their asses that they can't see how they are screwing the rest of the team. So much for one team one fight lol. Yeah... team on 3... 1, 2, 7... Fuck you guys, I'm going home. I want my job to be my passion, I want to LOVE what I do, even if it means working less hours and making less money. I want to ENJOY my life and live it. Love and utilize what I have instead of just obtaining things. I want to make a difference, I want to be happy and put out good energy into the universe. There is SO much bad energy, I just want to be a light in the darkness and show people that you don't have to live by societies stupid rules to be happy. God... I am such a hippie... look what I just said. Oh my goodies... I'm a freaking hippy. Ok ok... on that note... I'm out. I think I just blew my own mind. See... I have no clue who I am.

 Love,

★ Tandiey ★