So i get into bed to go to sleep and I'm like okkkk I'm nice and sleepy... now I'm all like... gotta write gotta write. First off.... my room smells like dog piss... not fucking happy. Don't know who pissed on my floor, but i can assure you if i find out, someone is not going to be a happy puppy. Either way, here's my dilemma... Are we rushing things? Like after knowing you almost a year now and been dating for a month solid and like kinda a little bit before that, i thought we were doing things just fine. Am i just moody? Am i too clingy? I hate clinginess so i hope that's not it, but it's possible since i have been in a relationship where i had to keep 1000% accountability on the other person at all times to not get lied to or cheated on. NOT BLAMING HIM... i did my fair share of fucked up things in that relationship too. Just saying that it's what I'm used to now and I'm probably carrying over habits. Aside from that... i HATE being alone. I feel like i don't know what to do with myself. I get bored and anxious and ansy when I'm alone. I don't like to think too hard either because it ends up bringing good memories or bad memories to the surface and then i cry. Stupid. I hate crying. I'm so sick of crying. To me, time alone is time in fear. Too much time that i could be worrying so i have to keep busy. I went through a phase not very long ago where all i wanted to do was be alone and read, but now I'm so tired that i just wanna sleep. Its not even real tiredness... its like fatigue from constantly battling with all this crap I'm supposed to be over coming... but its like wtf.... how much more is gonna get added on my plate before i drop it and it shatters... until I shatter? I don't even get a chance to clear one thing off before another 3 get added. I need a breath. Sometimes Its like holy crap i have so many problems and issues what is the point of even trying to fight them.
I really dislike doing this on my phone because it turns into slang and caps are all wrong and grammar. Ahhhh.... I'm freezing! Its cold outside for florida and I'm not used to it. Tonight i have got to say a prayer to my Goddess and God for my friend in Ohio. She is going through some tough times so if anyone reads this and would just like to send Astrina Eribus some light or love or prayers... whatever you may call it... that is definitely appreciated.
I have known who my Goddess is now for almost 2 months i think. Recently however, i have been see my God with these beautiful antlers... yes i said antlers, not horns. I'm willing to bet that it's Cernunnos coming to me. I'm sorry but there is something about the goat horns that just makes me cringe. I can see him as a tree or a 12 point buck but not a satyr. Arianrhod has never left my side. Even before i knew it was her. Poor thing... she sent me owls in my back yard to point me the right direction and all i could find was athena with owls. Then she impressed upon me the importance of the stars that i cherish so much. I have stars everywhere. Even before both of these, i had a past life memory that is the reason my life is changing so much now, and she is the Goddess that sits in the castle and realm where the souls wait to be sent back to earth. So she is the Goddess of the Moon, Stars, corona borealis, and reincarnation. She spins the wheel of time for all our lives. Hail Arianrhod. Mother of all.
Anyways, I'm babbling and not gettig sleepy... so i need to sleep. Thanks!!!!
Love,
Tandiey
No comments:
Post a Comment