So bored...

I've been going going going all day today, so now I'm sitting here waiting for Derrick to get here, Rayne is asleep, and I don't feel like being ambitious anymore tonight. I was going to play Sims, but my computer keeps crashing... It's pretty irritating. Hmm... Maybe I'll play Assassin's Creed II. Not a bad idea... Well that writing was short lived lol. Happy Thanksgiving to all!!

Love

Tandiey

What theeeee heck!!!

So i get into bed to go to sleep and I'm like okkkk I'm nice and sleepy... now I'm all like... gotta write gotta write. First off.... my room smells like dog piss... not fucking happy. Don't know who pissed on my floor, but i can assure you if i find out, someone is not going to be a happy puppy. Either way, here's my dilemma... Are we rushing things? Like after knowing you almost a year now and been dating for a month solid and like kinda a little bit before that, i thought we were doing things just fine. Am i just moody? Am i too clingy? I hate clinginess so i hope that's not it, but it's possible since i have been in a relationship where i had to keep 1000% accountability on the other person at all times to not get lied to or cheated on. NOT BLAMING HIM... i did my fair share of fucked up things in that relationship too. Just saying that it's what I'm used to now and I'm probably carrying over habits. Aside from that... i HATE being alone. I feel like i don't know what to do with myself. I get bored and anxious and ansy when I'm alone. I don't like to think too hard either because it ends up bringing good memories or bad memories to the surface and then i cry. Stupid. I hate crying. I'm so sick of crying. To me, time alone is time in fear. Too much time that i could be worrying so i have to keep busy. I went through a phase not very long ago where all i wanted to do was be alone and read, but now I'm so tired that i just wanna sleep. Its not even real tiredness... its like fatigue from constantly battling with all this crap I'm supposed to be over coming... but its like wtf.... how much more is gonna get added on my plate before i drop it and it shatters... until I shatter? I don't even get a chance to clear one thing off before another 3 get added. I need a breath. Sometimes Its like holy crap i have so many problems and issues what is the point of even trying to fight them.

I really dislike doing this on my phone because it turns into slang and caps are all wrong and grammar. Ahhhh.... I'm freezing! Its cold outside for florida and I'm not used to it. Tonight i have got to say a prayer to my Goddess and God for my friend in Ohio. She is going through some tough times so if anyone reads this and would just like to send Astrina Eribus some light or love or prayers... whatever you may call it... that is definitely appreciated.

I have known who my Goddess is now for almost 2 months i think. Recently however, i have been see my God with these beautiful antlers... yes i said antlers, not horns. I'm willing to bet that it's Cernunnos coming to me. I'm sorry but there is something about the goat horns that just makes me cringe. I can see him as a tree or a 12 point buck but not a satyr. Arianrhod has never left my side. Even before i knew it was her. Poor thing... she sent me owls in my back yard to point me the right direction and all i could find was athena with owls. Then she impressed upon me the importance of the stars that i cherish so much. I have stars everywhere. Even before both of these, i had a past life memory that is the reason my life is changing so much now, and she is the Goddess that sits in the castle and realm where the souls wait to be sent back to earth. So she is the Goddess of the Moon, Stars, corona borealis, and reincarnation. She spins the wheel of time for all our lives. Hail Arianrhod. Mother of all.

Anyways, I'm babbling and not gettig sleepy... so i need to sleep. Thanks!!!!

Love,

Tandiey

I have no clue...

So I'm trying to decide what to do... Should I blog about all my issues, or should I watch Suckerpunch... lol right? Right. Well I guess maybe I'll do both. Today I think a lot of frustration and weird feelings have come to a nice pimply head. I didn't even need to squeeze lol it just popped. I can't trust anyone. Not even myself and I think that is what today was really about. I am SOOO mad at people for not sticking to what they say and I have so many trust issues, that the second I see one little thing it's like this huge red flag goes up and I'm all like OMG DON'T TRUST HIM!!! LOOK LOOK HE IS BETRAYING YOU RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK! Even if it's over the dumbest thing. I guess I'm overly sensitive. Everything hurts me. Which is something I'm working on and Derrick is helping me the best he can. Even with me getting so mad at him for what is really nothing in the end. All he really wants to do is help me and make me understand that what I am doing is just hurting myself, which is bad for everyone involved. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. I know he isn't out doing stupid crap with other girls, he has his priorities straight for the most part, and underneath that asshole exterior, he is really a caring, loving, and good person.

I have a really bad issue with saying things. When I was in the shower, I was thinking about blogging when I got out and I really realized that I say a lot of stuff that I don't necessarily mean. I mean them at the moment, but usually not in the long run. What I write down is more accurate of my actual beliefs on any given matter. That being said, I'm going to try to list some of my real issues. 

• Too sensitive to the opinions and energies of others. [*Let others define who I am*]
• Get overly emotional without necessarily rationalizing the situation. [*Just go on how I feel*]
• Feel my feelings too intensely. [*Super happy then raging angry over things that are not that serious*]
• Become offensive when feeling scared or confused. [*If I bite first I won't get hurt*]
• Trouble relaxing without becoming stagnant. [*No in between full throttle and park*]
• Use sleep as an escape. [*Whenever I "just can't take it" I want to sleep*]
• Difficulty dealing with other people's mistakes. [*Sick of having to clean up after stupid people's bad choices*]
• Don't recognize my achievements/accomplishments and don't give myself a fair amount of credit for the things I have achieved. [*Can't pat myself on the back*]
• Worry too much about how other people feel about me and not enough about how I feel about me. [*Hoping everyone will like the decision I made whether I do or not*]
• Seeking approval. [*Just want people to be proud of me*]
• Most of all, not liking myself.... 

Hell, I don't even know who I am anymore. Somewhere in the last... I would say, 5 or so years, I have completely lost who I thought I was, what I liked, and worst of all, I lost my personality. Not to say that I don't have one because... I DO. Just a lot of my old friends will be like, where is the Emmy we used to know? Where did she go and who are you? I think that is one reason I am having this [what I like to call] midlife crisis of mine. Somewhere between becoming a mother, a soldier, and a wife... I rushed into it so hard that I left myself somewhere in the Poconos, to get lost in the woods, never to be seen again. So now, here I am inventing myself all over again. It's really hard. Everything that I once loved, just doesn't really do it for me anymore... My cars, my video games, my clothes, my hair, my music, my computers... I used to be such a gear head, gamer geek chick, made my own style, always doing something new and crazy with my look, I used to love programming and web page design. Now? What do I do now? I get up and go to work so I can pay for a bunch of stuff that I don't have time to enjoy. That's how I feel. What is the point in that? I hate materialism. I like my stuff, don't get me wrong, but what good is any of it if I can't use it or enjoy it. I go to a job [a good one] that I unfortunately, am not interested in anymore... moreover, I actually hate. I dread going to work. When I used to love working there... now I absolutely hate it. Why? Because I can't make a difference anymore. Because they don't listen to the workers anymore, because engineering has their head SO far up their asses that they can't see how they are screwing the rest of the team. So much for one team one fight lol. Yeah... team on 3... 1, 2, 7... Fuck you guys, I'm going home. I want my job to be my passion, I want to LOVE what I do, even if it means working less hours and making less money. I want to ENJOY my life and live it. Love and utilize what I have instead of just obtaining things. I want to make a difference, I want to be happy and put out good energy into the universe. There is SO much bad energy, I just want to be a light in the darkness and show people that you don't have to live by societies stupid rules to be happy. God... I am such a hippie... look what I just said. Oh my goodies... I'm a freaking hippy. Ok ok... on that note... I'm out. I think I just blew my own mind. See... I have no clue who I am.

 Love,

★ Tandiey ★

Happy Dappy - Sad and Mopey

Ok so enough of my happy posts lol. Been going to therapy and it has come out that I don't write enough, no seriously I don't write enough. So here I am late as FUCK at night before a UTA writing... why? Because I have to. I just do. There are a lot of things that drive me fucking nuts, but one of them is unfairness... I HATE to see people who do nothing just given shit on a silver platter. Like oh here is some expensive item, just because I feel bad for you. PITY PARTY... What the fuck people. SRSLY??? Why bother telling our children to be responsible and hard working... I mean, someone is just gonna carry you through life anyways right? Yeah until the whole world is a bunch of lazy assholes that don't want to work for ANYTHING and think that they are entitled to whatever the hell they want. FUCKHEADS... Someone has to work for it... so you are just gonna mooch off of the people that do care enough to work for it, to actually EARN what they have instead of just demanding equal treatment for not effort? WHAT THE HELL... Oh wait, isn't that what communism is all about? Hmmm maybe when you are too old to make your own decisions I will ship your ass to Russia. You will be with a bunch of like minded people then right? Damn... Is Russia even communist anymore??

HATE... Hate is a strong word that I usually equate to wishing harm upon someone, wanting them dead etc. But seriously... what word do I than use to describe not caring whether someone was alive or dead, or wishing that the universe would just make them disappear from my life completely. I would say that I wish I had never met them at all, but than I wouldn't be here writing this... so I guess I can't quite say that. I just don't want to deal with you or think about you or have this disgust for your pitiful, pathetic existence. The thought of you makes me want to vomit. Apparently, I'm not good with identifying my feelings otherwise I would list those too. The second I see your name or anything to do with you I cringe and instantly get nauseous. Then I get angry because whatever it is that you are saying, no doubt has no fucking weight in my mind and is absolutely useless fucking energy being wasted on the upkeep of such a worthless individual. That is what I really think of you. I think you are fucking WORTHLESS, Pathetic, a poor excuse for a human being, unlovable, a waste of atoms and matter. Your energy would be better used as a tomato to feed a homeless person. If I could disassemble the protons and electrons and atoms that create you and reassemble them into something useful for the greater good. I would do it. Because you are a waste of a life, a waste of resources, and a waste of oxygen as you breathe. Not to mention a waste of everyone's money that they so willing just throw at you like you are some kind of saint. FUCK you. Fuck your life. Fuck your existence. If I ever have to speak to you again it will be too soon.

Now that's out of the way... I realize that I'm a fucked up person too, but at least I'm working on it. I'm making an effort. That's what's wrong with America... people all think they are just entitled to shit. NO. Get off your lazy ASS and make it. Whatever it is that you want, make it. You want a house, build it, you want a job, go look and accept what comes to you. You want to be good at something, practice, you want to learn something, research-study-listen-pay attention. GRrrr.... Out of all the things that I have done in life, I don't care. Because everything I have done, has brought me to here.

Where is here? HERE is where I live, in Florida, a wonderful place. Here is my home, which I put an effort into fighting for when they didn't want to trust a 25 year old with a credit score of 600. Here, is at my job... making decent money so I can help other people in NEED, so that they can pay if forward or help people I love because it makes me Happy. Here is where I met my boyfriend. Derrick Shafer... The love of my life. I am sorry for hurting feelings along the way. I truly am. But here, here, is where I am. Here is where I need to be, where my path has led me, where I will learn and continue my journey. Here is where Derrick and I learn who we truly are, together, and apart, and create a life that is exactly what we want. Here is where I catch a break from the shitty lives that I have dealt with just to be in his arms again. Here is where we remember our past lives, to learn from them, to better ourselves from them, and advance our souls to the next level. Hundreds, maybe thousands of years we were apart in between lives together. It is just like now. We know the other is there, but we have our separate houses, and separate times so that we can learn from it and become the best we can, so that together, we can face anything the universe throws at us. Together Derrick, Adrian, my King, we will become stronger than ever, and we will do whatever is necessary. Together we will ignite the fire of life into the world and watch it burn, burn to the ground so we can help the people build a new and better tomorrow. Together my love, we are unstoppable... together... forever. Infinity. For infinity our energy will intertwine for the betterment of the universe. Even in small steps. I feel more for you than I ever thought possible to feel about another human, but that is because you are not just a human. You are part of my soul. Our souls together create a force to be reckoned with. I know that you know it's true. We are one.

Love,
   ~*Tandiey*~     (Tandiey is happy, Emilie is sad, Emilie is not welcome here anymore.)

Storybook...

Here I am... master of words, speechless. There are no words in the English language to convey the feelings inside of myself. It's all swirling around in this weird emotional stew. I am about to embark on an all new journey... a journey of growth... of overcoming fear... coming into my own... learning who I am and what it is that I feel that I need to do... but most of all... a journey of teaching myself happiness. How to be happy, to feel happy, and to recognize happy when it's sitting right in front of me. I will no longer be afraid of being content, because I will be sure to pair contentment with happiness always. Not one without the other.
I got told good job today by my base supervisor. Insane. He also told me that he's seen an improvement in my demeanor. Weird. This week has been pretty easy on base. And Monday night, I bought a new car!... well new to me. 2008 scion tc!!! Yippee!!!  It's charcoal grey and a special edition series :) I have to say it hasn't been bad this week. One more day!!! Ok I'm falling asleep typing.

"Until the sun rises in the West and sets in the East, until the rivers run dry..." scary. I'm falling asleep typing. Good night.

True story...

Love transcends time... I don't care what anyone says... I have found my Adrian I really have. We will live like peasants and feel like king and queen of our own little world. We have a love that outshines the sun and reunites us after centuries. I know I have dredged through terrible lives and amazing lives, just to find you again. You are not only a soulmate, you are my twin flame... half of my soul. Without you I am half empty and only half full. You are a man that has had many names and to me you are and will always be my Adrian. The world is so different since last we were together, but we will do our best to shine the light on the world. You will be the light and I will be the love. The truth hurts... so I will patch the wounds. Together, our potential is beyond comparison. I know that with you, I can conquer anything and with me you can lead the world. I have never been so sure in my life. We are right. We are one. Forever and always, through time, space and universal distance. Adrian and Tandiey. <3

Crimson tears...

07/06/2012 - My heart is burning. No not heart burn... it feels like my heart is on fire. I have a lump in my throat and I have cried so much tonight that I'm pissed at crying. This is my declaration.... Michael Mercantini... I'm letting you go. No longer will I cry because you get to go out and I don't. No longer will I cry because I feel that I have paved the way for you to have a beautiful life. No longer will I cry because I loved you so much and see so much more potential than you give yourself credit for. No longer will I stand up for you when you won't stand up for yourself. I release you from my heart. I release you from my worry. I release you from all bonds to me as a person. You are grown man and you are responsible for your own decisions and I will no longer be your life coach. I love you Michael... and I'm sure a part of me always will, but I can't enable you to skate by anymore. Goodbye Mikey... Goodbye my husband... Goodbye my partner. You are now... a friend and only a friend.

It's time for me to move on. Open a new chapter and change this story till I make a happy ending. Goodbye old life... hello new adventures. I can't lose hope now. It's only up from here.
Take my hand, hold me awhile, tell me you understand. Give me your love and it will be returned, more so everyday. Our love will grow like the mighty oak that you so fondly speak of. One day our ugly roots will be covered by the sands of time and our beautiful leaves will give shade to our generations to come. Hush now my love, no need to speak... I hear you in my mind. You love me now, you loved me then. I love you forever and that's how it ends.