My song. So so so many meanings in this song. I feel like this on a regular basis.
Wish You Were Here
Today is just one of those days where I catch myself taking big deep breaths over and over trying to cleanse myself of the bad vibes. I feel like I am full of them today. I'm not really in a good mood, but I guess not really in a crappy mood either. It's kind of a toss up. I saw a friend today, which I'm glad because we had a barrier between us and she said what she needed to say to me. I always appreciate her honesty, even when it's something that I don't want to hear. I value honesty.
I understand that sometimes it is not always best to tell the truth, but honesty is a trait that I weigh very much of my opinions in friendship and other relationships on. That is probably why I'm having such a hard time in my current relationship. I just don't feel the honesty is there, which in turn takes away the trust, and if you don't have honesty and trust... do you really have love? If you have none of these things, than what do you have? A fake relationship that looks good on the outside, but inside is crumbling? I don't want to be fake, I don't want to be in a fake relationship. I'm so tired of faking happiness, faking smiles, faking nice to people I want to punch. I understand, sometimes this is a necessary evil, but I do it way more than I feel comfortable with. So much so, that I feel it's changing me. Do I even know who I am anymore? I don't think so. Michael bought me a violin for Christmas. It's awesome. Playing it feels so right, even when it sounds terrible. There are many things that feel right, but give horrible results. With practice though, even the most awful things can become amazing. No one is just a master at anything right away... Of course there are some people who are naturally talented and are generally good at many things right off the bat, but not perfect, not professional, and certainly not masters. Practice makes perfect... hmmm... that is a good one to think over for awhile. Also, like my good friend said, "There are no perfect relationships, and no perfect love."
Everything needs work. I get that, I do. I'm a project oriented person. I have a project house, a project car, 3 project computers, a sewing machine, 8 lbs. of clay, pictures out the wazoo... yeah I'd say that I like projects, but some projects are bigger than others. Some projects I have on the back burner because I know I just can't handle them right now and yeah, someday, I would love to finish that project, but now... I just can't do it. One day, I will make it happen. Like my GSX. Can't do it now, do I want to drive it? Hell yeah, bad as shit, but right now? Not feasible. What I can do is make necklaces, clay figures, sew some curtains, rearrange the house, simple things... One thing that I am not looking for is a relationship that is such a huge project that I just can't handle it. Right now, I think that is the kind of relationship that I somehow got myself into. Someone awesome once said, "It's not how you handle things when everything is going good, it's about how you handle it all when everything goes to shit." Generally, I'm a pretty ok shit handler. I keep my calm, don't panic, just do what needs to be done and deal with the aftermath later. I have never been faced with the type of situation that I am currently in.
I don't know what in the hell I'm doing. Scared? Yeah I'd say so, problem being usually, when I have to deal with stuff it's when I don't have time to be scared, or angry, or sad, or have any feelings at all. It's machine like, robotic. I just do what needs to be done and move on. This is so different. I have time to feel, which isn't something I really like doing, but I have found that if I want to be any sort of a decent person I do actually have to pay attention to that part of myself, at least on occasion.
So... "Don't let your emotions (feelings) control you." This is something I'm working on, but when you have a situation that is fully immersed in your emotions, what are you supposed to do? Sometimes I wish that someone could just tell me what exactly it is that I am supposed to do. Not like I would listen, but it's a nice thought. My emotions are all over the place right now. I wish I fully understood the meaning behind the phrase, "love them enough to let them go". I feel like it's a phrase that is applicable right now, but I'm not sure how or where. Do I leave? Am I saving them from the danger of myself? Sometimes I feel like I am a danger. A danger to everyone around me. That is why I sometimes wish I could just slip away and disappear in the night, never to be seen again. BUT that's the easy way and we all know that I never end up picking the easy way. For whatever stupid reason I always seem to choose that hardest frikkin way possible to do everything. Is it to prove to myself that I can? Is it because the easy path doesn't ever seem like the right path? Whatever the reason is, I don't feel like I'm making the wrong decision doing it. Oh wait... "There is no right or wrong decisions, just decisions." and consequences...
Maybe I haven't fully weighed the consequences of either choice to the decision that I am in the middle of trying to make. Maybe that is what I need to do. I should never base my decisions off the decisions of another. This is one (of many) bad habit that I happen to have, but if realizing your faults is the first step to recovery, than I'm well on my way to recovering. I've been realizing and recognizing a lot of my faults lately. Well I guess this concludes my rant. It's been a long one and I'm far from over it in my head. *SIGH*
Love,
Emilie
Tandiey
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