Last night I slept in the spare bedroom. Michael fell asleep early and since he is sick and was sleeping soundly I just went to the spare room. I watched Merlin on syfy until like 2:30am when I rolled over during a commercial and fell asleep. I realized during this night into morning sleeping in the spare room, that I really like my own space. I kinda like being away from the rest of the house, alone, secluded. I think I have made my decision to move into the office. This week I will probably be rearranging and measuring and maybe building some things for it so that I can move into it at least for sleeping. I really see Michael and I separating. He doesn't see it. He thinks we can fix it all. I think if we haven't fixed it all in a cumulative 7 years and actively in the last 3 to 4, than why do you think it's going to be any different now. We have cycles of fights. I have to create a crisis for him to see a problem.
I am so tired of being the boss and the one that has to take charge and make all the decisions and basically be the man. I want to take a break from it all and reclaim my actual role as a woman in a relationship. I need someone that can be the family pillar, someone who is stronger than me, has what it takes to make all the tough decisions and who isn't going to ask me what to do, but ask for my input instead so that it can be considered in the decision making but not fully relied upon. I want to be the equal and complementary opposite in the relationship, not the leader, not the sole decision maker. I was afraid of marriage and now I see why. Not because I was actually afraid of the commitment, but because I have never met someone who can fulfill all my needs and for that reason, I should have stayed single. Hell, I shouldn't even date anyone until I find someone who is right for me. If that never happens, well shit, than maybe I should just be the old crone that never marries. I need to trust the man I am with to make the best decision for the family, the best decision in general. I need to be able to have faith in him. I don't have that. I fear that every time I'm not the one making the decision, that it's going to get fucked up and than I'll be the one cleaning up the mess that it created. I so badly want to be able to have that trust and belief that my man is making the best choice possible and be able to fully stand behind his decisions with conviction and not doubt.
I feel so fucked up. I feel like a stranger living in my own house. Yes, MY house. Yet, I'm the one considering moving to another room. How dumb is that? I'll tell you why, because I want to make everything as painless as possible. I know this is a losing situation, but I don't want to hurt anyone. I know that I can take some of the pain, my shoulders are large enough to carry that burden. It's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last. So I will take on as much as I can bear to make the load lighter for everyone else involved. Apparently, I have a tendency to take on more than I can handle. How hilarious is that. I'm always overwhelmed and I know it's my own fault. I have plenty of my own issues that I need to iron out. I have my own set of self-destructive behaviors. Sometimes I truly believe that I am my own worst enemy. I will get better. I will make the decision for the best. I will have the strength to go on. I always do. Deep down I know I can conquer anything, but on the surface it just seems so despairing. I hate hurting people. I seem like a bitch, but underneath, I care way too much about everyone. These are my thoughts, these are my secrets... this is the internet. Not such a secret anymore I guess lol. Maybe I don't want it to be a secret, maybe if I told people what was inside I would actually find what I'm looking for. What a concept. *rolls eyes* I amuse myself.
My Spiritual Guidance cards today were: Teaching and Learning, You Know What To Do, and Overcoming Difficulties. How fitting. I've already written way too much. I'm going.
Love,
Emilie
Tandiey
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