What am I doing?

Today I'm having one of those, "I'm so done with this, just leave me alone, let me out" kind of days... I hate being a yo-yo, one day I want to stay, the next day I want to leave. Some days, I just want to runaway and disappear all together. Life is so damn confusing. I'm probably over analyzing. Today was such a mix of good and bad. I'm so thankful for someone that makes me smile in the face of sadness and I had a decent "work" day, but while I was there I got some shitty news. So that made it a little hard, but then I took a little bit to re-focus and everything was fine again. I want to be positive. I want to be happy. I want to condition myself to be gorgeous and smart, joyful, loving, happy, amazing, to enjoy life, patient, a good mother, a good woman to a good man...  all of these things. I want to be able to take my role as healer and dps support and let my man be the tank. I know that was geeky as hell, but it's really a good analogy for all the mmorpgers out there.

I'm feeling very off lately, I'm trying so hard to figure out what it is that I want out of life, what service I can be to others, what path I should choose. I can't believe that in such a ridiculously short time after getting married, I'm already toying with the idea of separation and divorce. UGH... that word divorce. I loathe it. I should have never gotten married. Like they say, the number one cause of divorce is marriage. To me, it feels like divorce = failure. I HATE failing. Am I giving up? If that's the case, it's even worse, because than, I'm a quitter. But, what if I'm not failing or quitting, maybe I am choosing to take a different path in life. Am I still a failure and quitter because I chose something different? I'm so confused. My head is a mess inside and trying to organize it takes a lot of time, energy and effort. I know I love him, but do I love him? I don't want anything negative to happen to him, but at the same time, I don't feel that I am happy or doing him any good either. He brings me down, and I bring him down, then we take turns bringing each other up for awhile and then back down again. It's a vicious circle. I want out of the circle. The chain of events is slowly killing me. I've repeated history 3 times with this at least already. You'd think I would have learned by now. Am I insane? The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result right? I feel like that's what I am doing. When will I be able to handle these thoughts. Yeah they come out, yeah I write them down, but in the end is it how I feel? Is it what I want to do? I wish I knew. My heart hurts and my eyes drain, yet in the the end the answer still eludes me.

I guess that's it for now. My mind already hurts and this was a short entry...

Love,
    Emilie

Tandiey