Yo Yo up and then down...

Why do I feel like a freaking yo yo, one minute I'm up then I'm down and never do I stop. Today I spent my lunch break crying my eyes out trying to figure out what it is that I want in life. I'm at a fork in the road, which path do I take? There are always consequences. So many consequences. How do I "just live in the present moment"? If I was to do that, I would do a lot of things that would probably make me a bad person. I'm just so spent. So confused. I feel like a I just can't handle it anymore. I almost feel like I am grasping at anything and everything to try to boost my mood regardless of if it's bad or good. 

I wish I knew what to write, what to say, what step to take next. I wish I knew who to talk to and who to not talk to. I always talk to a lot of people and get their opinions and advice and then take them all into consideration and form my own conclusion. Then I make my decision. It's just that I don't like either choices this time around. When it boils right on down to it this is what I feel like my choices are:

Be married and unhappy, or Be alone.

Both of those don't sound too nice. I can't really see pros to either of them. Right now, I'm pretty unhappy being married. Why you may ask? I am not sure. I feel like I have been lied to so much with so many things that I don't know what else to do anymore. I feel like my psychologist has lied to me. The marriage counselor has lied to me. My friends are lying to me. I am lying to myself. What in the hell am I doing? 

One of my friends said that I need to be checked for bipolar. I can understand that. If I'm not bipolar though, I must have some really bad self-destructive habits or something. Maybe guilt issues? I feel like a freaking basket case. I don't want to be insane. I want to be happy, fun loving, in love, joyful, full of generosity and love. I want to be a healer, an herbalist, an apothecary. How can I be any of those things when I can't even heal and help myself. It's impossible. I need to heal before I can heal others. 

Saturday, I'm taking Reiki 2. Maybe when I learn the symbol for raising energy I can help myself raise the energy I need to heal myself. Wishful thinking I know, but I'm the dreamer apparently. Somehow I'm a dreamer and a pessimist. How the hell does that go together lol. I'm desperate to find balance. I need balance. I feel like I'm slowly dying inside. I want to escape myself. 

I wish you would read this, so you might understand more what's in my head. I want someone to understand me so much. I need to feel that connection. I yearn for it. I am scared that I am searching for an unattainable feeling. Maybe it doesn't exist, but I swear it does. I swear I felt it once, I swear I also knew it in a dream, not just knew or felt it, but was fully and completely engulfed within it. It was the best dream I have ever had. Maybe a memory, maybe not. In the end, does it matter? It was in my subconscious mind and when I woke up, I could still feel it. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I almost cried. It was a dream of long ago, when times were different, people were different, and life was quite literally, only what you make of it. We didn't have a lot, but we had each other, a thatched roof over our heads, a warm fire, enough food to survive, and the beauty of nature at our feet. It was all we needed to be happy. I want to feel THAT happiness again. 

I'm done with this now. I could go on and on in circles. One day, may we all feel the love that I felt in my dream...

Love,

    Emilie

Tandiey