Fuck uta...

This place is such a cluster fuck. Here I am at UTA. I have a PT test. This sucks. I hate it with a burning passion. I've been in the gym for 45 minutes waiting for this to start. At least the day will be half over by the time I'm done with this. That could be a good thing. I'm in such a sure mood. And I'm dizzy and don't feel good. If nothing else, I'm glad I never got the ART position here. Divinity most definitely takes care of us and knows best. I'm counting down the time until I'm done here. 13 more utas after this weekend. I just need to make it through. There are a whole lot of things that I need to work through.  Time to start...

This has been hard...

This week I had a dream. It came to me 3 times in one night, that is how I knew that I needed to listen. I kept telling myself, "It's time". I knew what it pertained to. I knew what I was supposed to do. It was very hard to gather the courage to do it, but I did. I told him that I was done. I just can't do this anymore. He was taking it pretty hard. We both cried for awhile. I had to go to work, so we dried our tears and dismissed it a bit. Then he started acting like I had never said anything, which was frustrating me. I asked him if he was going to stop and he said yes, that it was a habit. Then tonight, I burst out more harshly than I should have. He made some smart remark to me and ended it in "baby" and I spouted off, "I ain't your fucking baby." I guess I crushed him. I walked out after a minute of a blank stare and low snarl. I guess about an hour later, I went to go find him to apologize for being so rude and insensitive, and couldn't find him. So I texted him. I got no response. 11:00 he comes rolling in drunk. He had walked across the street to buy some alcohol. I was playing Socom. So here we are, after all this nonsense, I was wondering where the hell he was and if he was at least ok. Shortly after he comes home drunk, he ends up in the bathroom puking. *sigh* So here I am shooting people on Socom and taking care of my puking husband that I am in the process of breaking up with. FML. I think he does this subconsciously on purpose. Every time that I have tried to break up with him, some "tragedy" happens and I have to come to the rescue. He knows that I can't turn away from some one that I care about so he knows that I will end up helping him. I think he uses it against me with out even knowing that he is doing it. Ugh. How I wish that I was going to work tomorrow. I so do NOT want to be home, near home, with him, anywhere here at all. I am so frustrated and just grrrr. I need to talk to someone so badly, but there is no one here for me to talk to. Of course, like I said a thousand times before... I am always alone, even when I'm not.

Love,
   Emilie

Tandiey

The wanted

"the sun goes down, the stars come out, and all that counts is here and now..."

Finding my path...

I have to say that tonight, I attended my first actual Pagan ritual. It was so neat! I decided to visit a relatively new and upcoming local group of pagans as they had invited me to a Dark Moon ritual honoring the goddess Hekate and god Apollo. It was for them to bring the light and warmth of spring to us and leave the dark months behind. It was quite nice. Everyone there was really cool, down to earth, helpful, and just all around chill people. I'm looking forward to getting more involved with the group. I would love to end up being the Reiki master of our little group :) *squeals* how exciting would that be!! I want to find my path so much and I'm thinking that little by little it's coming together. Just as Maria said, the angels light one step at a time for you to see. I'm ok with that. Really. I know I'm impatient most of the time, but as long as I'm not standing still, I'm alright.
Anyways, I really should be getting to bed. I feel so much lighter since I attended my ritual. It felt like church is supposed to feel and kind of used to feel for me. We did a really interesting part of the ritual in the beginning where the hostess rinsed all of our hands with sacred water to signify washing away our negativity from the day and such. I really liked that part. It all so very symbolic, which is probably why I identify with it so much. I'm a very symbolic person. Ok Ok Ok, bedtime.

Love,
   Emilie


Tandiey

Destiny? Fate? What?

Oye... just oye... Today I was so seriously unproductive. All I did was watch a tv show all day. I watched 12 episodes of The Secret Circle. My mind was cluttered before, now it's even more jammed.
On top of all the magick stuff in the show, what really has me wondering is the whole Adam and Cassie thing...
Can it really be possible for 2 people to be destined to be with each other? Can it be "written in the stars"? It just has me pondering life and love. Soulmates, twin flames, destiny... fate. I understand that soulmates and twin flames are different, now that I've looked it up, but I almost hate to say, I think I'd even be happy with a positive soulmate relationship without even attaining my twin flame. I mean, if I found my twin flame that would be amazing, but the chances of that happening logically are just so slim. I just don't want to have a negative relationship. Soulmates or not... I need positivity and joyfulness not grim drudgery. YUCK! I feel like I am so messed up! It's so difficult to distinguish whether it's me that is messed up or mostly my relationship that is messed up. I don't want to blame anyone, but at the same time, I don't want to blame myself if it's not really me. Credit should go where credit is due regardless of the polarity of the credit itself.

I have felt nauseous all day. I think it's stress. I know that whatever my decision is I need to decide, because it's eating me alive. I need to move on in whatever direction and quit torturing myself. Why is it that I am not ready to do that? What is holding me back, WHY am I holding myself back?
OMG. My head hurts. I wish I could meditate, but it seems like it never gets me anywhere. Literally, like I just sit here and am like oooook anytime now I should like be clearer or something, but nope. Doesn't happen. Grrrr... I'm so Grrrr right now. I don't even know what to write. Soooo the end.

Love,
   Emilie

Tandiey

What am I doing?

Today I'm having one of those, "I'm so done with this, just leave me alone, let me out" kind of days... I hate being a yo-yo, one day I want to stay, the next day I want to leave. Some days, I just want to runaway and disappear all together. Life is so damn confusing. I'm probably over analyzing. Today was such a mix of good and bad. I'm so thankful for someone that makes me smile in the face of sadness and I had a decent "work" day, but while I was there I got some shitty news. So that made it a little hard, but then I took a little bit to re-focus and everything was fine again. I want to be positive. I want to be happy. I want to condition myself to be gorgeous and smart, joyful, loving, happy, amazing, to enjoy life, patient, a good mother, a good woman to a good man...  all of these things. I want to be able to take my role as healer and dps support and let my man be the tank. I know that was geeky as hell, but it's really a good analogy for all the mmorpgers out there.

I'm feeling very off lately, I'm trying so hard to figure out what it is that I want out of life, what service I can be to others, what path I should choose. I can't believe that in such a ridiculously short time after getting married, I'm already toying with the idea of separation and divorce. UGH... that word divorce. I loathe it. I should have never gotten married. Like they say, the number one cause of divorce is marriage. To me, it feels like divorce = failure. I HATE failing. Am I giving up? If that's the case, it's even worse, because than, I'm a quitter. But, what if I'm not failing or quitting, maybe I am choosing to take a different path in life. Am I still a failure and quitter because I chose something different? I'm so confused. My head is a mess inside and trying to organize it takes a lot of time, energy and effort. I know I love him, but do I love him? I don't want anything negative to happen to him, but at the same time, I don't feel that I am happy or doing him any good either. He brings me down, and I bring him down, then we take turns bringing each other up for awhile and then back down again. It's a vicious circle. I want out of the circle. The chain of events is slowly killing me. I've repeated history 3 times with this at least already. You'd think I would have learned by now. Am I insane? The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result right? I feel like that's what I am doing. When will I be able to handle these thoughts. Yeah they come out, yeah I write them down, but in the end is it how I feel? Is it what I want to do? I wish I knew. My heart hurts and my eyes drain, yet in the the end the answer still eludes me.

I guess that's it for now. My mind already hurts and this was a short entry...

Love,
    Emilie

Tandiey

This is my journey

Today, I am home. It is Saturday. I am fully intending to make a change in my life. Well, a few of them actually. It's going to be hard to break old habits, but I CAN do this and it is something that needs to be done. I need to be a more positive person, for myself and my daughter. I need to try to focus on good things and let the not so good ones slide more. I'm glad to have someone in my life that is on the side lines pushing me to be a better person for myself. It means more than I think they know. I have always been a strong believer in the saying, "Lead by example." Now I have to take that step and lead my daughter by example. I have to show her how to be happy, not just for me. I need to follow my heart, my higher self, my soul, whatever you want to call it. Find my path, take my journey, and be happy. Wherever that road may take me, that is where I need to go. Maybe I should stop thinking so logically and start thinking more intuitively. I have a gift, why not use it?  I need balance, logic and intuitive. Head and heart. So many terms for the same damn thing. I'm sorry for my stream of consciousness writing. It is just something that happens when I'm unloading my brain.

 I need to take these next few days and just empty. My thermometer that is always near breaking point... I need to drain the mercury out of it. Start from 0 degrees and never get past 100. Something that I really need to work on, not getting so frustrated so quickly. I have worked on it quite a bit and calmed down a lot, but it's still not enough. I've reached a low plateau on that and need to keep working on it.

Tomorrow is Reiki 2. I'm looking forward to my attunement. I am ready. I am ready to be a tool of universal light. I want the light and love of the universe to flow through me to everyone I come in contact with, because deep down, I know that I care. I care about everyone, I want to help everyone. First though, I need to help myself. THAT is my current journey, helping myself. So God, please let the universal love and light fill me and heal me from the inside out. Send your angels to help me on my path and show me the steps to take. Let me find my spiritual stepping stones and the trail to hike during my spiritual ventures. Thank you.

Love,
   Emilie

Tandiey