*sigh* Yes, this sigh is so large you can hear it on facebook.

My song. So so so many meanings in this song. I feel like this on a regular basis.

Wish You Were Here

Today is just one of those days where I catch myself taking big deep breaths over and over trying to cleanse myself of the bad vibes. I feel like I am full of them today. I'm not really in a good mood, but I guess not really in a crappy mood either. It's kind of a toss up. I saw a friend today, which I'm glad because we had a barrier between us and she said what she needed to say to me. I always appreciate her honesty, even when it's something that I don't want to hear. I value honesty.

I understand that sometimes it is not always best to tell the truth, but honesty is a trait that I weigh very much of my opinions in friendship and other relationships on. That is probably why I'm having such a hard time in my current relationship. I just don't feel the honesty is there, which in turn takes away the trust, and if you don't have honesty and trust... do you really have love? If you have none of these things, than what do you have? A fake relationship that looks good on the outside, but inside is crumbling? I don't want to be fake, I don't want to be in a fake relationship. I'm so tired of faking happiness, faking smiles, faking nice to people I want to punch. I understand, sometimes this is a necessary evil, but I do it way more than I feel comfortable with. So much so, that I feel it's changing me. Do I even know who I am anymore? I don't think so. Michael bought me a violin for Christmas. It's awesome. Playing it feels so right, even when it sounds terrible. There are many things that feel right, but give horrible results. With practice though, even the most awful things can become amazing. No one is just a master at anything right away... Of course there are some people who are naturally talented and are generally good at many things right off the bat, but not perfect, not professional, and certainly not masters. Practice makes perfect... hmmm... that is a good one to think over for awhile. Also, like my good friend said, "There are no perfect relationships, and no perfect love."

Everything needs work. I get that, I do. I'm a project oriented person. I have a project house, a project car, 3 project computers, a sewing machine, 8 lbs. of clay, pictures out the wazoo... yeah I'd say that I like projects, but some projects are bigger than others. Some projects I have on the back burner because I know I just can't handle them right now and yeah, someday, I would love to finish that project, but now... I just can't do it. One day, I will make it happen. Like my GSX. Can't do it now, do I want to drive it? Hell yeah, bad as shit, but right now? Not feasible. What I can do is make necklaces, clay figures, sew some curtains, rearrange the house, simple things... One thing that I am not looking for is a relationship that is such a huge project that I just can't handle it. Right now, I think that is the kind of relationship that I somehow got myself into. Someone awesome once said, "It's not how you handle things when everything is going good, it's about how you handle it all when everything goes to shit." Generally, I'm a pretty ok shit handler. I keep my calm, don't panic, just do what needs to be done and deal with the aftermath later. I have never been faced with the type of situation that I am currently in.

I don't know what in the hell I'm doing. Scared? Yeah I'd say so, problem being usually, when I have to deal with stuff it's when I don't have time to be scared, or angry, or sad, or have any feelings at all. It's machine like, robotic. I just do what needs to be done and move on. This is so different. I have time to feel, which isn't something I really like doing, but I have found that if I want to be any sort of a decent person I do actually have to pay attention to that part of myself, at least on occasion.

So... "Don't let your emotions (feelings) control you." This is something I'm working on, but when you have a situation that is fully immersed in your emotions, what are you supposed to do? Sometimes I wish that someone could just tell me what exactly it is that I am supposed to do. Not like I would listen, but it's a nice thought. My emotions are all over the place right now. I wish I fully understood the meaning behind the phrase, "love them enough to let them go". I feel like it's a phrase that is applicable right now, but I'm not sure how or where. Do I leave? Am I saving them from the danger of myself? Sometimes I feel like I am a danger. A danger to everyone around me. That is why I sometimes wish I could just slip away and disappear in the night, never to be seen again. BUT that's the easy way and we all know that I never end up picking the easy way. For whatever stupid reason I always seem to choose that hardest frikkin way possible to do everything. Is it to prove to myself that I can? Is it because the easy path doesn't ever seem like the right path? Whatever the reason is, I don't feel like I'm making the wrong decision doing it. Oh wait... "There is no right or wrong decisions, just decisions." and consequences...

Maybe I haven't fully weighed the consequences of either choice to the decision that I am in the middle of trying to make. Maybe that is what I need to do. I should never base my decisions off the decisions of another. This is one (of many) bad habit that I happen to have, but if realizing your faults is the first step to recovery, than I'm well on my way to recovering. I've been realizing and recognizing a lot of my faults lately. Well I guess this concludes my rant. It's been a long one and I'm far from over it in my head. *SIGH*

Love,
     Emilie

Tandiey

Writing, writing, and more writing...

Today I am realizing just how much I love to write and how much utter nonsense I have to write about. I spent a while last night writing in my real journal and also reading past entries in it. It seems like they always carry the same theme. "I can't live like this, I hate pretending everything is fine, What is happiness, I'm not happy, I don't know how to be happy, I'm sick of wearing this mask, I put on a good facade, what am I doing, why do I torture myself." These are the common things that go through my head. They have been for years. I have books upon books of my thoughts and feelings. Most of it is all the same.

Last night I slept in the spare bedroom. Michael fell asleep early and since he is sick and was sleeping soundly I just went to the spare room. I watched Merlin on syfy until like 2:30am when I rolled over during a commercial and fell asleep. I realized during this night into morning sleeping in the spare room, that I really like my own space. I kinda like being away from the rest of the house, alone, secluded. I think I have made my decision to move into the office. This week I will probably be rearranging and measuring and maybe building some things for it so that I can move into it at least for sleeping. I really see Michael and I separating. He doesn't see it. He thinks we can fix it all. I think if we haven't fixed it all in a cumulative 7 years and actively in the last 3 to 4, than why do you think it's going to be any different now. We have cycles of fights. I have to create a crisis for him to see a problem.

I am so tired of being the boss and the one that has to take charge and make all the decisions and basically be the man. I want to take a break from it all and reclaim my actual role as a woman in a relationship. I need someone that can be the family pillar, someone who is stronger than me, has what it takes to make all the tough decisions and who isn't going to ask me what to do, but ask for my input instead so that it can be considered in the decision making but not fully relied upon. I want to be the equal and complementary opposite in the relationship, not the leader, not the sole decision maker. I was afraid of marriage and now I see why. Not because I was actually afraid of the commitment, but because I have never met someone who can fulfill all my needs and for that reason, I should have stayed single. Hell, I shouldn't even date anyone until I find someone who is right for me. If that never happens, well shit, than maybe I should just be the old crone that never marries. I need to trust the man I am with to make the best decision for the family, the best decision in general. I need to be able to have faith in him. I don't have that. I fear that every time I'm not the one making the decision, that it's going to get fucked up and than I'll be the one cleaning up the mess that it created. I so badly want to be able to have that trust and belief that my man is making the best choice possible and be able to fully stand behind his decisions with conviction and not doubt.

I feel so fucked up. I feel like a stranger living in my own house. Yes, MY house. Yet, I'm the one considering moving to another room. How dumb is that? I'll tell you why, because I want to make everything as painless as possible. I know this is a losing situation, but I don't want to hurt anyone. I know that I can take some of the pain, my shoulders are large enough to carry that burden. It's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last. So I will take on as much as I can bear to make the load lighter for everyone else involved. Apparently, I have a tendency to take on more than I can handle. How hilarious is that. I'm always overwhelmed and I know it's my own fault. I have plenty of my own issues that I need to iron out. I have my own set of self-destructive behaviors. Sometimes I truly believe that I am my own worst enemy. I will get better. I will make the decision for the best. I will have the strength to go on. I always do. Deep down I know I can conquer anything, but on the surface it just seems so despairing. I hate hurting people. I seem like a bitch, but underneath, I care way too much about everyone. These are my thoughts, these are my secrets... this is the internet. Not such a secret anymore I guess lol. Maybe I don't want it to be a secret, maybe if I told people what was inside I would actually find what I'm looking for. What a concept. *rolls eyes* I amuse myself.

My Spiritual Guidance cards today were: Teaching and Learning, You Know What To Do, and Overcoming Difficulties. How fitting. I've already written way too much. I'm going.

Love,
     Emilie

Tandiey

The Walking Dead, Christmas, Apocalypse :p

Today, yeah it's Christmas. Merry Christmas. Today is supposed to be a day of happiness, peace, joy, love, and all the other awesome feelings most of these, I don't feel often. I love Rayne. Watching her open Christmas presents was awesome. That gave me some peace, joy, and happiness. She was so excited. We did a pretty small Christmas this year and I'm definitely glad. It feels better when there is less if that makes any sense at all. Speaking of having less... We finished season 2 of The Walking Dead today...

I can't help but to think that we are (in a less dramatic fashion) on our way to about the same type of life, as a collective society. I think I've mentioned it before, how I feel like I'm trying to prepare without even really knowing what I'm doing. I just have this feeling that it's coming. Something is changing, something is going to happen. It eats at me sometimes... then I forget about it for a little while and it comes right back. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. It's not like it's going to happen tomorrow, but I don't think it's all that far away. Honestly, I'm not sure if I even care. Sometimes I feel like life is better that way, the act of survival, self-sufficiency, not wasting things so much like we have grown to do as a people. I'm guilty, we all are. It's a bad habit.

Back to The Walking Dead... My two favorite characters are Daryl and Shane. Daryl is just one bad ass fucker. He has a good heart and amazing survival skills. I love his crossbow. I can identify with his character by the way he responds to his brother's negative reinforcement. Shane... Well, Shane lol. He is just awesome. I like him because he is the only one in the whole group that thinks logically... at least most of the time. It's obvious where his devotion and dedication are. He loves Lori and Carl and will do whatever it is that's right for them, even if it means leaving. His character is so complex and interesting. He is a fighter, a survivalist, he will do whatever it takes to overcome his obstacles. He definitely has the survival instinct. I like the way he tries to handle situations before Rick goes and fuggers them all up. Rick is a good hearted pussy. He wants to do right all the time, but it ends up being at the expense of innocent people and not for the survival of the mass of the group. In my opinion, Shane needs to take back the reigns as leader of the group and start making the decisions again. Rick has only made one hard decision so far.

I would very much hope that I could muster my survival instincts that I used to have when I was a child. I'm not sure that Rayne will be ready for that type of life. She will need to man up and do it quick. In addition to that, I have GOT to get a hold of something that I'm working on anyways and that is controlling my emotions. Someone has made it very clear to me that I am seriously lacking in that category. So I'm trying to take it very seriously and actually work on it. I'm not acting on impulses like I normally do. I am trying to base decisions on logic and not emotion. In reference to the last paragraph, that is a good way for me to prepare for the upcoming apocalypse also. I should try to be more like Shane. Facts are easy to see when emotions aren't clouding your judgement. So mission for now, Control my emotions, don't let them control me. That's it for now...

Love,
Emilie

Tandiey

My Brain...

*"Again"*

I love the way that your heart breaks
With every injustice and deadly fate
Praying it all will be new
And living like it all depends on you

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
I love you please see and believe again

Love that you're never satisfied
With face value wisdom and happy lies
You take what they say and go back and cry
You're so close to me that you nearly died

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
I love you please see and believe again

They don't have to understand you
Be still
Wait and know I understand you
Be still
Be still
Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
The floodgates are breaking and pouring out

Here you are down on your knees
Trying to find air to breathe
Right where I want you to be again
I love you please see and believe again

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
Right where I want you to be again
See and believe! --- Flyleaf

This song feels like it's me singing to myself that i have somewhere lost along the way.
Tomorrow, I'll be leaving for PA for work. I'm a little bit nervous, a little scared, and worried about Rayne. She puked the other night. I think she is nervous about me going.
My brain is so bored. I want to write more but I don't know what to write.

Ireland and Spirit Guides

I swear there is a song about running away to Ireland, but I can't seem to find it anywhere.

I have been researching all night. Trying to piece together whatever real information I can seem to find about my possible past life. My nickname "Tandy" which I have slightly changed the spelling of, originated as a surname in Ireland in the exact time period that I am pretty sure was in my dream. The lake that I was dreaming of, I'm pretty damn sure is a lake called Lough Ramor. It's just like it was in my dream, except for the bench... and sooo beautiful.

So I find myself wondering if my assumed character of Tandiey with the red hair and always wearing green, is really a representation of my former self that I have always known about and never connected until now. I really want to learn all that I can find out about the real history of the time period and the area where I am thinking that I lived. The only problem with that is that I don't want to cloud what may be real memories with things that I have now learned while researching. So for that reason I have done a lot less research on the matter than I would really like to do. I have already read one book on past life regression for the purpose of trying to find out more information that I have locked in my soul. I am thinking of other ways to possibly unlock them, like recreating similar events, clearing my mind and listening to period music, meditating on some of the common symbols of the time, or the picture of the lake. It's all so vivid in my head, the parts that I remember. It's just insane. I'm thirsting to know more. Why am I torturing myself by holding back the information subconsciously??? Only I have the answers. Only I can unlock the secrets. Just like always... I only have myself to help or blame. :-/ In the end, always, I only have myself.

On a different note, Maria, my intuitive development teacher, has suggested that I do my own spiritual guidance with Angel Cards. I am to pick 3 cards every day and think about them, connect with them, and ask my guides for help if I need to. I want to try to document them daily. Here is what today's cards are:

I can connect with all of them, but Spread Your Wings, speaks to me the most. In the further description in the book it says, "Although you may feel intimidated by the prospect of change, and by the thought of moving past your comfort zone, you're ready to fly high. Welcome new opportunities, and know that it's safe to follow your heart and dreams. Keep your focus upon love, service, and spirit, and avoid nay-sayers or skeptics. Remember that you inspire others with your story of turning challenges into victories." - Guidebook for the Archangel Oracle Cards

I had a pretty deep conversation today about changes and challenges, so it's only appropriate for this card to show up in my guidance today. To me, this is like a smack in the back of the head... Take your own advice dopey! I'm always dishing out advice for people to take, they usually come back to me telling me what good advice I have, so why is it so difficult for me to listen to myself? Who knows... oh wait me... except... yeah I don't know... Ugh. tehendkthxbai...

Love,

Emilie

Tandiey

What's With This?!

♪ ♫ "Ohhh ohoh, chain reaction
Spin me around, all around
Oh feels like a lifetime
(I’ve been waiting)
One domino goes down
Then they all hit the ground
(And not deliberating)
It all happens for a reason right?" ♪ ♫ ~ Ke$ha

Lately, I've been coming up with all these catchy poet things. They keep popping into my head. IDK why. I'm seriously beginning to wonder what's up with this. What's up with me?! I feel like I am changing... little by little... something is different. I can't quite put my finger on what it is. It almost scares me. No... fuck that. It DOES scare me. I don't get scared by much, but when it comes to me and change and I don't know what's going on... that's when I silently freak.

I have been dreaming a lot more than normal recently. I like it, not gonna lie. It's pretty cool. Sometimes, I just wish that I understood them better. I think there is someone I'm supposed to meet. I don't know if I've met the person yet or not, but when I figure it out... Something important is going to happen or begin to happen. I get the feeling that the world is rapidly changing. My intuitive development teacher has said some things about it too, which is only part of the reason that I feel this. It actually feels like something inside me is preparing, adapting, evolving even. I so badly want to have someone to share this feeling with. Someone who feels the same, that I can talk to or confide in, who understands the feeling that I speak of. I have a few people in my life right now that I am trying to figure out. What role do they play in my life? What do I do for their life? At the moment, I'm really not sure.

I guess I have a lot of contemplating to do. For now, this is it.

Love, Emilie

Tandiey

Dreams and my new journey.

So... i've begun a journey of rediscovery. I'm finding out who I am again and how I feel about just about everything. I'm attempting to rediscover my soul an how to make that part of me happy. I've been having alot of dreams lately and one of them was very vivid. I was in Ireland. I was wearing, what came to find later was, a grey woolen cotehardie with a white shirt underneath it. I had beautiful dark copper penny colored hair, it was wavy. I was in a one room "cottage" made of grey plaster and a thatched roof. I could hear the crackling of the fire in the center of the house. There was a youngman with me. His name was Adrian. He had brown hair and brown eyes and he was 21 yrs old. I was 19 and also had brown eyes. There wasn't a whole lot more that I remember... it was just so vivid and real. I find myself wondering if it is not a dream, but a memory of a past life.