Finding my path...

I have to say that tonight, I attended my first actual Pagan ritual. It was so neat! I decided to visit a relatively new and upcoming local group of pagans as they had invited me to a Dark Moon ritual honoring the goddess Hekate and god Apollo. It was for them to bring the light and warmth of spring to us and leave the dark months behind. It was quite nice. Everyone there was really cool, down to earth, helpful, and just all around chill people. I'm looking forward to getting more involved with the group. I would love to end up being the Reiki master of our little group :) *squeals* how exciting would that be!! I want to find my path so much and I'm thinking that little by little it's coming together. Just as Maria said, the angels light one step at a time for you to see. I'm ok with that. Really. I know I'm impatient most of the time, but as long as I'm not standing still, I'm alright.
Anyways, I really should be getting to bed. I feel so much lighter since I attended my ritual. It felt like church is supposed to feel and kind of used to feel for me. We did a really interesting part of the ritual in the beginning where the hostess rinsed all of our hands with sacred water to signify washing away our negativity from the day and such. I really liked that part. It all so very symbolic, which is probably why I identify with it so much. I'm a very symbolic person. Ok Ok Ok, bedtime.

Love,
   Emilie


Tandiey

Destiny? Fate? What?

Oye... just oye... Today I was so seriously unproductive. All I did was watch a tv show all day. I watched 12 episodes of The Secret Circle. My mind was cluttered before, now it's even more jammed.
On top of all the magick stuff in the show, what really has me wondering is the whole Adam and Cassie thing...
Can it really be possible for 2 people to be destined to be with each other? Can it be "written in the stars"? It just has me pondering life and love. Soulmates, twin flames, destiny... fate. I understand that soulmates and twin flames are different, now that I've looked it up, but I almost hate to say, I think I'd even be happy with a positive soulmate relationship without even attaining my twin flame. I mean, if I found my twin flame that would be amazing, but the chances of that happening logically are just so slim. I just don't want to have a negative relationship. Soulmates or not... I need positivity and joyfulness not grim drudgery. YUCK! I feel like I am so messed up! It's so difficult to distinguish whether it's me that is messed up or mostly my relationship that is messed up. I don't want to blame anyone, but at the same time, I don't want to blame myself if it's not really me. Credit should go where credit is due regardless of the polarity of the credit itself.

I have felt nauseous all day. I think it's stress. I know that whatever my decision is I need to decide, because it's eating me alive. I need to move on in whatever direction and quit torturing myself. Why is it that I am not ready to do that? What is holding me back, WHY am I holding myself back?
OMG. My head hurts. I wish I could meditate, but it seems like it never gets me anywhere. Literally, like I just sit here and am like oooook anytime now I should like be clearer or something, but nope. Doesn't happen. Grrrr... I'm so Grrrr right now. I don't even know what to write. Soooo the end.

Love,
   Emilie

Tandiey

What am I doing?

Today I'm having one of those, "I'm so done with this, just leave me alone, let me out" kind of days... I hate being a yo-yo, one day I want to stay, the next day I want to leave. Some days, I just want to runaway and disappear all together. Life is so damn confusing. I'm probably over analyzing. Today was such a mix of good and bad. I'm so thankful for someone that makes me smile in the face of sadness and I had a decent "work" day, but while I was there I got some shitty news. So that made it a little hard, but then I took a little bit to re-focus and everything was fine again. I want to be positive. I want to be happy. I want to condition myself to be gorgeous and smart, joyful, loving, happy, amazing, to enjoy life, patient, a good mother, a good woman to a good man...  all of these things. I want to be able to take my role as healer and dps support and let my man be the tank. I know that was geeky as hell, but it's really a good analogy for all the mmorpgers out there.

I'm feeling very off lately, I'm trying so hard to figure out what it is that I want out of life, what service I can be to others, what path I should choose. I can't believe that in such a ridiculously short time after getting married, I'm already toying with the idea of separation and divorce. UGH... that word divorce. I loathe it. I should have never gotten married. Like they say, the number one cause of divorce is marriage. To me, it feels like divorce = failure. I HATE failing. Am I giving up? If that's the case, it's even worse, because than, I'm a quitter. But, what if I'm not failing or quitting, maybe I am choosing to take a different path in life. Am I still a failure and quitter because I chose something different? I'm so confused. My head is a mess inside and trying to organize it takes a lot of time, energy and effort. I know I love him, but do I love him? I don't want anything negative to happen to him, but at the same time, I don't feel that I am happy or doing him any good either. He brings me down, and I bring him down, then we take turns bringing each other up for awhile and then back down again. It's a vicious circle. I want out of the circle. The chain of events is slowly killing me. I've repeated history 3 times with this at least already. You'd think I would have learned by now. Am I insane? The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result right? I feel like that's what I am doing. When will I be able to handle these thoughts. Yeah they come out, yeah I write them down, but in the end is it how I feel? Is it what I want to do? I wish I knew. My heart hurts and my eyes drain, yet in the the end the answer still eludes me.

I guess that's it for now. My mind already hurts and this was a short entry...

Love,
    Emilie

Tandiey

This is my journey

Today, I am home. It is Saturday. I am fully intending to make a change in my life. Well, a few of them actually. It's going to be hard to break old habits, but I CAN do this and it is something that needs to be done. I need to be a more positive person, for myself and my daughter. I need to try to focus on good things and let the not so good ones slide more. I'm glad to have someone in my life that is on the side lines pushing me to be a better person for myself. It means more than I think they know. I have always been a strong believer in the saying, "Lead by example." Now I have to take that step and lead my daughter by example. I have to show her how to be happy, not just for me. I need to follow my heart, my higher self, my soul, whatever you want to call it. Find my path, take my journey, and be happy. Wherever that road may take me, that is where I need to go. Maybe I should stop thinking so logically and start thinking more intuitively. I have a gift, why not use it?  I need balance, logic and intuitive. Head and heart. So many terms for the same damn thing. I'm sorry for my stream of consciousness writing. It is just something that happens when I'm unloading my brain.

 I need to take these next few days and just empty. My thermometer that is always near breaking point... I need to drain the mercury out of it. Start from 0 degrees and never get past 100. Something that I really need to work on, not getting so frustrated so quickly. I have worked on it quite a bit and calmed down a lot, but it's still not enough. I've reached a low plateau on that and need to keep working on it.

Tomorrow is Reiki 2. I'm looking forward to my attunement. I am ready. I am ready to be a tool of universal light. I want the light and love of the universe to flow through me to everyone I come in contact with, because deep down, I know that I care. I care about everyone, I want to help everyone. First though, I need to help myself. THAT is my current journey, helping myself. So God, please let the universal love and light fill me and heal me from the inside out. Send your angels to help me on my path and show me the steps to take. Let me find my spiritual stepping stones and the trail to hike during my spiritual ventures. Thank you.

Love,
   Emilie

Tandiey

Today's Cards :)

Today is going to be a good day! The angels are helping me in everyway i need.

Well...

I just wanted to say that today was a pretty much all around good day. My class tonight was awesome and I was so happy to have been able to go. I absolutely love my teacher. She means the world to me.

Reiki 2 on Sunday!!! So excited. I LOVE learning new things. Today was full of hope... I have hope that I will find my path, I will enjoy my journey, I will help people, and I will be HAPPY!

Now though, it's time for bed. I'm so tired and it's way past my bedtime. Good night!

Love,
    Emilie

Tandiey

The Ocean of Life

"The Ocean of Life"

My heart is breaking..
With every day its taking
Till I can see your face again (face again) (see you again)

I write this song with tears in my eyes
I'm so confused from all the lies.
One day maybe I will understand it all. (understand it all)

        (Chorus)
What goes down must come up,
One moment it's empty, then I have a full cup,
Life is like the waves of time.
and like the flow, the flow of rhyme.
Back and forth and to and fro,
Look out world 'cuz here we go.
Let's ride this rollercoaster till we all collapse.
This life is over way too fast.

One day I cry and then I smile
You feel my emotions all the while.
I hate my pain because you hurt. (you hurt) (don't wanna hurt)

Someday maybe I'll find my path.
When that happens, I hope we can last,
But until then my hearts still breaking... (little by little) (piece by piece)


         (Chorus)
What goes down must come up,
One moment it's empty, then I have a full cup,
Life is like the waves of time.
and like the flow, the flow of rhyme.
Back and forth and to and fro,
Look out world 'cuz here we go.
Let's ride this rollercoaster till we all collapse.
This life is over way too fast.

       (Bridge)
This is it now, I have to choose
My life is here and now so what do I have to lose...
Decisions are at every step,
I'll make them now and hope for the best.
My time is short so I have to go,
My time is too short to be living so low.
When this life is over, I hope to say
That I lived my best every single day.
If I can't say that, then what do I have,
but a bunch of days that mean nothing at last.


         (Chorus)
What goes down must come up,
One moment it's empty, then I have a full cup,
Life is like the waves of time.
and like the flow, the flow of rhyme.
Back and forth and to and fro,
Look out world 'cuz here we go.
Let's ride this rollercoaster till we all collapse.
This life is over way too fast.

          (Bridge 2)
Today I will start living for real.
I will try to listen to how I feel. (how do you feel)
I will maintain control but always know
That when it's gone, I must let it go.


        (Chorus)
What goes down must come up,
One moment it's empty, then I have a full cup,
Life is like the waves of time.
and like the flow, the flow of rhyme.
Back and forth and to and fro,
Look out world 'cuz here we go.
Let's ride this rollercoaster till we all collapse.
This life is over way too fast.





COPYRIGHT January 10, 2012

Yo Yo up and then down...

Why do I feel like a freaking yo yo, one minute I'm up then I'm down and never do I stop. Today I spent my lunch break crying my eyes out trying to figure out what it is that I want in life. I'm at a fork in the road, which path do I take? There are always consequences. So many consequences. How do I "just live in the present moment"? If I was to do that, I would do a lot of things that would probably make me a bad person. I'm just so spent. So confused. I feel like a I just can't handle it anymore. I almost feel like I am grasping at anything and everything to try to boost my mood regardless of if it's bad or good. 

I wish I knew what to write, what to say, what step to take next. I wish I knew who to talk to and who to not talk to. I always talk to a lot of people and get their opinions and advice and then take them all into consideration and form my own conclusion. Then I make my decision. It's just that I don't like either choices this time around. When it boils right on down to it this is what I feel like my choices are:

Be married and unhappy, or Be alone.

Both of those don't sound too nice. I can't really see pros to either of them. Right now, I'm pretty unhappy being married. Why you may ask? I am not sure. I feel like I have been lied to so much with so many things that I don't know what else to do anymore. I feel like my psychologist has lied to me. The marriage counselor has lied to me. My friends are lying to me. I am lying to myself. What in the hell am I doing? 

One of my friends said that I need to be checked for bipolar. I can understand that. If I'm not bipolar though, I must have some really bad self-destructive habits or something. Maybe guilt issues? I feel like a freaking basket case. I don't want to be insane. I want to be happy, fun loving, in love, joyful, full of generosity and love. I want to be a healer, an herbalist, an apothecary. How can I be any of those things when I can't even heal and help myself. It's impossible. I need to heal before I can heal others. 

Saturday, I'm taking Reiki 2. Maybe when I learn the symbol for raising energy I can help myself raise the energy I need to heal myself. Wishful thinking I know, but I'm the dreamer apparently. Somehow I'm a dreamer and a pessimist. How the hell does that go together lol. I'm desperate to find balance. I need balance. I feel like I'm slowly dying inside. I want to escape myself. 

I wish you would read this, so you might understand more what's in my head. I want someone to understand me so much. I need to feel that connection. I yearn for it. I am scared that I am searching for an unattainable feeling. Maybe it doesn't exist, but I swear it does. I swear I felt it once, I swear I also knew it in a dream, not just knew or felt it, but was fully and completely engulfed within it. It was the best dream I have ever had. Maybe a memory, maybe not. In the end, does it matter? It was in my subconscious mind and when I woke up, I could still feel it. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I almost cried. It was a dream of long ago, when times were different, people were different, and life was quite literally, only what you make of it. We didn't have a lot, but we had each other, a thatched roof over our heads, a warm fire, enough food to survive, and the beauty of nature at our feet. It was all we needed to be happy. I want to feel THAT happiness again. 

I'm done with this now. I could go on and on in circles. One day, may we all feel the love that I felt in my dream...

Love,

    Emilie

Tandiey

Today...

The only thing I have for today is a quote. I had UTA and it was boring. Tomorrow will be the same, but this... this is what is in my mind right now.


"The best things in life are the nearest: breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you." --- Robert Lewis Stevenson 


If the world ended tomorrow, would I be happy with what today was? My answer to that would be hell no. Why is this so confusing? 

My weird scientific dream...

The hormone levels of males in a relationship with females of an unbalanced type will automatically adjust themselves to balance the overall amount of certain hormones thus causing the levels to equal out to approximate necessity for balance. Females with a higher than normal testosterone level will automatically cause their male counterpart to unknowingly produce less testosterone to balance the equation of hormone levels in the home or relationship for those spending mass amounts of time togeher.


That was written at about 5am this morning when I awoke from my dream that I had just discovered this. I was a scientist or something. Either way I was telling someone about my discovery and woke up so I had to document it. The last time that I had a scientific dream so detailed was about 9 years ago when I had found the formula of the evolution of mankind and realized that the evolution of our species moves in a wave pattern. I was like 18... really? I only wish I would have thought to write down the details to that dream, because I had literally written down the formula on a dry erase board in my dream and could see it when I woke up. I had all kinds of details, but didn't write it down, instead I just went back to sleep. It would have been interesting to see if any of my science dreams are actually true... Enjoy.

Love,
    Emilie

Tandiey

Welcome 2012...

I decided to do a tarot reading on myself today, with the start of the new year and all you know... I did the spread that seemed to call to me. The wheel of the year spread. It's a circle basically marked by the sabbats of the year. Each card is representative of that time of the year. I interpreted it that each card was a representation of me at that time in the upcoming year. So here it is...

Starting from about now. The top left corner, which would be Imbolc, I'll list them going counterclockwise.


Imbolc - Feb. 2: Page of Cups ~ A messenger, vulnerable, yet still taking the risks. Fearless, intellectual, and listening. Emotional.
Ostara - March 20: Queen of Cups ~ Compassionate, creative, receptive, empathic, and intuitive. Nurtures people with patience and love.
Beltane - May 1: The World ~ Queen of the Witches, this card depicts success and completion. Corresponds to the planet of Saturn, a planet of boundaries which will help me define myself and relate to others without losing my individuality. Definition of myself. (I'm highly looking forward to that)
Midsummer - June 20: The High Priestess ~ Master of divination, symbolic of intuition, guidance, and the cyclical nature of life. Reflection on both spiritual and philosophical levels. The dualities of nature. Psychic abilities.
Lammas - Aug. 1: Two of Swords ~ Challenges, difficult decisions, use of other senses to see what is really there. Symbolic of uncertain peace, a frail alliance, and an impasse. Suggests the need to resolve a stalemate or break a tie.
Mabon - Sept. 21: Three of Swords ~ A card of grief and heartbreak. Symbolizes heartache, pain, abandonment, and estrangement. Sometimes betrayal, infidelity, and divorce.
Samhain - Oct. 31: Ten of Swords ~ A card of overkill and ruin. Symbolizes destruction, loss, breakdown of relationships, disillusion and disloyalty. Normally relates to gossip and backstabbing. "Death by a thousand cuts." Doesn't happen all at once.
Yule - Dec. 21: The Hermit ~ Represents wisdom, prudence, illumination, philosophy, introspection, and meditation. Illustrates the concept of solitude and the power of silence. Very critical of oneself.


There you have it. My life for the next year. Now, we remember that every decision we make can change the path of life. So basically, if I continue on the path that I am currently on, this is what will probably happen. If I change it, this too will change. Decisions, decisions... Do I want to change it? Or is this what I really want? Hmmmm....