Crimson tears...

07/06/2012 - My heart is burning. No not heart burn... it feels like my heart is on fire. I have a lump in my throat and I have cried so much tonight that I'm pissed at crying. This is my declaration.... Michael Mercantini... I'm letting you go. No longer will I cry because you get to go out and I don't. No longer will I cry because I feel that I have paved the way for you to have a beautiful life. No longer will I cry because I loved you so much and see so much more potential than you give yourself credit for. No longer will I stand up for you when you won't stand up for yourself. I release you from my heart. I release you from my worry. I release you from all bonds to me as a person. You are grown man and you are responsible for your own decisions and I will no longer be your life coach. I love you Michael... and I'm sure a part of me always will, but I can't enable you to skate by anymore. Goodbye Mikey... Goodbye my husband... Goodbye my partner. You are now... a friend and only a friend.

It's time for me to move on. Open a new chapter and change this story till I make a happy ending. Goodbye old life... hello new adventures. I can't lose hope now. It's only up from here.
Take my hand, hold me awhile, tell me you understand. Give me your love and it will be returned, more so everyday. Our love will grow like the mighty oak that you so fondly speak of. One day our ugly roots will be covered by the sands of time and our beautiful leaves will give shade to our generations to come. Hush now my love, no need to speak... I hear you in my mind. You love me now, you loved me then. I love you forever and that's how it ends.

Bettering myself...

Today, I'm making the decision to be a better mom. I need to be more involved in my daughter. I need to write down recipes and cook with her and play with her more. She isn't me and I'm not her. We are not interested in the same things... so it's time for a compromise. I need to quit making her do what I like and learn to help her do what she likes. This decision and awakening brought to you by the movie Brave.

Love,
Emilie

Tandiey

Bedtime...

So as I sit here in bed, trying to go to sleep, all the thoughts running through my head are just insane. Tuesday is someone special's birthday. I keep refusing the title of girlfriend... but  should I really? Why is it that I feel the need to refuse it. Will it really hurt anything? Probably not... my life is already in a crazy shambles. I have a lot of love to give out. If I don't get to express it, I get grouchy. Michael is still living with me for now. Some days I just can't wait for him to get  his own place and other times I'm like damn... I'm gonna miss him. When things are good they are pretty good, but when they are bad, I wanna stab myself repeatedly... unfortunately, there are more occasions that I want to stab myself than there are awesome times. That's why we are breaking up. I hate breaking up. It sucks. Especially when you don't hate the other person. It makes it a whole lot harder. I have work in the morning. I need to go to sleep , but nothing gets sorted out in my head. I hate always feeling out of control like there is some merry go round that I am on and can't get off and don't know when it will stop. I just can't wait for some stability. I think that is really what this all comes down to. I want to be stable in every single way possible. I know that is impossible to achieve, but the closer I can come to that the happier I'm sure that I will be. I will feel like I can breathe again and not have this constant tightness in my chest. That will be such a relief. Well, at least I'm getting tired now. Talking about things even to no-one is an amazing help. *breathe* soooooo complicated. Oh well... goodnight.

"Until the sun rises in the west and sets in the east... until the rivers run dry and the mountains blow in the wind like leaves... you are my sun and stars and I am your moon."

Love,
Tandiey ♡