Confessions...

September 30, 2014

In light of recent events, I have had to coach my daughter to stop lying to get people to like her and I have realized that so many people do this that it is almost scary. I guess I already kind of knew this, but more light than usual has been shed on this subject. I, like too many others, have partially been living a lie. I tell her not to worry what other people think of her. I tell her that if that person does not put a roof over your head, food on your plate, or a grade on your homework, than it doesn't matter what they think. In this world of material items, when the entire focus on life is on how much money you make and how many material items you can buy, this point is very hard to drive home, especially to a child who loves pretty sparkly things. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with her liking pretty sparkly things, but I want her to like them because SHE likes them. I want her to like them because seeing them makes her feel happy, not because Susy Sunshine likes it and everybody likes her.

I explained to her that I love lime green, because everytime I see it, it makes me feel happy. I don't like things just because other people do, I like them because they make me feel happiness. I'm not up to date on all the latest trends. I'm not interested in the fact that my favorite pair of jeans are flare leg and that's completely out of style. I'm not interested in the fact that some people didn't approve of my hot pink or rainbow hair that I had this spring. I am certainly not interested in what people who do not affect my everyday life are thinking about me. I am, however, a little too concerned with what people that DO affect my life think about me, my personality, or my choices. It's time for that to come to an end.

What type of an example am I setting if I am constantly thinking about what they think? As soon as my daughter gets a boyfriend or a best friend who doesn't approve of her taste in fashion or her enthusiasm for odd hobbies, will she just try to change herself to fit their form because she is too afraid to lose their interest? I don't want her to. I want her to stand up for what makes her happy. If she isn't hurting anyone or herself, what does it matter if she likes to, I don't know, paint pictures of fairies and mermaids all day.

So here is my confession. I do not like to play social games, even though I am rather good at them. In fact, I hate it. I hate smiling at people that I don't like just because they are friends with my friend. I hate acting like I'm proper and lady-like when I have to burp. I hate sugar coating the truth for people when they need to be hit with a 2 x 4. Ok, Ok, I understand that one, because sometimes the truth can hurt more than the mistake a person will make... so that one is up for interpretation. Really though, I hate pretending to have a good time when I am not. I hate drinking with a bunch of people that I don't like and still being expected to keep the painted smile on and not to say things that are inappropriate. I hate pretending that I'm the kind of person who sits around and drinks and small talks. Those of you who know me well, know that I'm not the most appropriate person. I clean up well when needed, but it's not my natural habitat. I'm not Tyrion Lannister, I could never live in King's Landing. Small talk is for shallow people. Small talk is for people who are covering up who they truly are inside because they are afraid of rejection of their true self.

Like I told my daughter, If you don't show your true self, you will never find other people that are like you. Here are the things that I enjoy. Learning, getting good grades, languages, codes, flourescent colors, skater shoes, belly shirts, short shorts, poetry, music with good lyrics, intelligent conversation, deep meaningful conversations, contemplating the universe, science, the paranormal, the supernatural, nature, animals, cultures, travelling, discovery, helping people, intimacy, passion, love, good sex, good food, the sound of the ocean crashing on the shore, the smell of salt air, the smell of the forest, gymnastics, contortionists, tattoos, adrenaline rushes, things that go vroom, the sound of a turbo paired with a blow-off valve, driving fast, nerdy glasses, backwards hats, homemade jewelry, achieving, resourcefulness, and honesty. I'm sure there are plenty of other things that I'm forgetting.

I am me, a pile of random likes and dislikes because they make me feel a certain way. I do not like things because other people like them. I do not dislike things because someone tells me that they are wrong. I listen, observe, and form my own opinion based on my observation. If what I observe changes, than so does my opinion.


Love,
       ~*Tandiey*~

It's Almost Amusing...

It's almost amusing how people act differently in front of certain people than they do with others. It is also amusing how much you can find out about a person by looking through their communication devices. I know my email and phone would tell a very interesting story about my life if anyone cared to peer into them. I find myself wondering at this moment... when people tell lies... do they even realize how much they are lying or do think that they are just embellishing the truth a bit to lessen the blow on the other party? My opinion is this... It is not up to me or you to assume the impact that truth would have on another individual. It is up to me to speak truth or remain silent. I am coming to the realization that silence is invaluable. Silence is the route that surpasses all others. Being silent in a heated debate gives the appearance that you are listening (even if you are not), it doesn't intensify the situation, it prevents you from saying something that is in fact untrue due to your own blinding fury, it keeps you relatively blameless during the dispute, and it leaves you with nothing to apologize for later. If you keep silent and do actually listen, you can connect the dots of what is really going on for the other person. Here is where the line runs thin. Decision time... Once the dots are connected and you see the real reason for the emotion that the person is feeling, do you speak it? Whose truth is it... yours or the person's whom you are analyzing? So many questions. So many options. So many paths and none of them right or wrong.

I used to be an extremely outspoken individual and I am realizing little by little that the more I shut my mouth and observe, the more I learn about the world around me. The only problem with that is that I am only learning about the world and not learning about myself. I have come to the brutal realization that I am not as in touch with my inner being as I once thought that I was. Or maybe it is that I have become less in touch with it as I have grown up and become so involved in the routine of society, responsibilities, money, and duty, that I have drifted away from my inner beacon. Whatever the case may be, it is clearly not healthy. I have a complex about being selfish. Yes, I know *don't go pouring your heart and weaknesses out on the internet* ... I hear the little voice... and yes, I am choosing to ignore it. I am leaving a gaping void in the fortress wall.

Here it is, my mother told me most of my life that I was a selfish little bitch. Big surprise, I was a mouthy teenage girl who was left responsible for the household and myself at age 9. I prefer to think that I was less of a selfish bitch, than a strict female with a strong sense of responsibility for myself and that which affected me. In real terms, a survivor. I woke myself up, fed myself, taught myself school (I was homeschooled), cleaned up after myself, and then... I mothered all the children in the neighborhood when they were sent outside to play until dinner. I have spent my entire life being responsible. My first job was when I was 13 and babysitting, I got another job when I was 15 at the golf course and rode my bike 3+ miles to get there and another 3 miles to get home. At 18 I bought my own car, thanks to a trust fund I had from getting viciously attacked by a dog at 3 years old. With that I also paid ahead on car insurance, bought a mobile home with my boyfriend, funded part of my college, and saved as much as possible. When I learned that college was too expensive to continue I moved back home and got the first job that I could. Thank you Walmart. I excelled in my position and within 3 months was considered for an hourly management position which I lost only due to not being bi-lingual. However, I continued to exceed expectations and ended up knowing more than most hourly and salary managers in my section. When I realized that wasn't going to pave my future I looked to the military and became and airman. Once again excelled in my environment and was chosen to be a student leader in basic training and offered the same in tech school. My grades were second in my class upon graduating and I moved on to my first base. During my time there I filled most of my training log in record time, and upon transferring to my second base, I was told by my supervisor that he was sorry to see such an amazing airman go and that I would do well wherever my path takes me. At my new duty station, I once again completed my training in record time and earned "Performing Airman of the Quarter" for excellent workmanship, cooperation with others, and professionalism. At what I thought was to be my civilian career, I continued to excel by learning and executing with extreme quality and efficiency, every single job description in the entire department, including most of my supervisor's duties as well. I became a lead and then took on another position as well. By the end of my time there, I was doing the work of three different positions daily and still keeping up with deadlines. Now for my current endeavor of college again. I am back in school for a new career path. My first semester back, full time and I finished my classes with a 4.0 GPA, was immediately put into the honors program, and received a letter notifying me that I was placed on the president's list. My second semester is currently underway and I am holding a steady GPA of 4.0. Am I selfish? No. I am responsible. I am a homeowner, I have paid off one vehicle and am still working on my second, I am a parent and a *step*-parent, I have pretty damn decent credit for all the obstacles I have had to face getting to where I am. I work for what I need to survive and I do as much as I can to make life as easy as possible for myself and those I love. Selfish? I don't think so. Ask any of the people that I have opened my home(s) to that needed a place to stay during a rough patch, ask them how much I requested that they contribute while under my roof, ask them if they were fed and comfortable, if they had a ride when they were without a vehicle, if they had a shoulder to cry on when they just couldn't take it anymore, ask them... any of them. No one will. Why? Because no one cares. No one cares what I have done, what I have conquered, mastered, the obstacles that I have overcome. No one cares about the accomplishments that I made and have shared with countless others. The only things they seem to care about are those that I haven't done. Lately, they seem to be the only things that I care about too.

I no longer feel satisfaction for my achievements - It's just "my job." Did I get a reward for doing three people's jobs at work? Nope, I just got taken advantage of, more work piled on me, until I was so stressed out that I couldn't handle it anymore. Where am I now? Did working my ass off on base get me anything more than a stupid plaque to decorate my wall? Or getting a 4.0 GPA get me anything more than a fancy letter of congratulations? No. It didn't. The only things that get me anywhere in life are the things I do for myself and by doing them for myself, I can help others do for themselves. So you see, even though you may think that I make selfish decisions to better my life, it is within doing this that I can help others with their own situations. Having gone through the situations myself, I can understand their point of view, I can give sound advice on what step to take next, and I can help point people in the direction of progress when they feel lost, victimized, and helpless.

In the end, it doesn't matter if people are mean to you, if they lie to you, if they hurt your feelings, if they make life difficult, or stomp on what you have achieved. Keep being yourself, keep doing things for yourself, because in the end... they won't be responsible for you. Only you will be responsible for you and there is no one to blame but yourself. Do the things you like, be the person you like to see in the mirror, be proud of what you have accomplished and continue to do things that you will be proud of because you are the only person who can judge your actions. No one knows what you have done better than you do. Why should you waste this life trying to make everyone else happy, denying your own happiness, when you would touch more people's lives by fighting your own battles, winning your own wars, and having something to be proud of. That is more of an inspiration for others than any words on a poster, any lyrics in a song, or any stupid self help book.

I will not be ashamed of what I am, who I am, what I like, and the path I am on. It is my path to walk and I walk it alone, just as each one of you walk your path alone. Other people's paths cross ours, run together with them, and sometimes we walk the same path for a time, but no one's paths are identical to that of another. We all live our lives, face situations, and experience things differently from the person standing next to us. So cherish your individuality and if you want to sing and dance down your path, do it. If you want to cry and stumble down your path, do it. If you want to march down your path, do it. Whatever it is that you do, own your path because it is yours and yours alone. I would rather inspire one person to live a life that they are proud of than to make a whole bunch of people happy for a minute. I want to be the change that I want to see in the world. That is my path. In another couple of years, maybe my path will change directions or something, but so far... I have been the change and only recently have I diverted from my path. It is time to get back on it. It is time to be nothing more than who I am. I don't need to make anyone else proud but me.


~*Tandiey*~