Christmas time...

Well, here it is folks... December 22nd, 2012. The Apocalypse date came and went. No grand earthquakes, volcanoes, meteor strikes, nothing... It was actually a pretty uneventful and relaxed day. At least for me. Had a beautiful Winter Solstice ritual at the house of a wonderful lady in my group. It was a great time, with good friends, food, and a beautiful fire. Today was pretty much the same, lazed around and got some stuff cleaned up in the house some. Went with Derrick to assist in shopping for his 2 older kids. That was only like an hour or so...
Took Rayne to JoAnne Fabrics to go look for some stuff for her altar. She has recently been asking me for an altar so she can kneel by it to pray. Not really sure where she got that idea from exactly, since that isn't what I do at mine... nor do I place my palms together to pray. To each their own, and if that's what feels right to her, I would rather her use her intuition. So we got some cool hot pink sheer fabric with silver stars all over it, for me to sew into an altar cloth for her. Also found a pendant that looks like a fairy door, which was just soooo cool so I think we will use that to make her a "rosary" or prayer beads or whatever you want to call them. Trying to find CHEAP flameless candles is like.... yeah not happening... I'm like down to the idea of buying a pack of 4 white ones and then painting them myself for the colors of the elements. Crazy I say!
While D and I were out shopping today I found this GREAT metal star decor thingy. I snatched it up and it was on sale.... $5.93!!! What a bargain. So it's now proudly hanging on my living room wall :) My first bit of witchy decor ;) Hopefully, plenty more to come. After visiting Robin's house I have SOO many ideas of things to do in mine! It was like a witchy inspiration for home decorating lol. I think I may even want to give up my spotless modern kitchen idea and swap it for a more vintage country feel. *gasp* I know right??!! I guess time will tell. My kitchen works JUST fine for now... even though I hate the pink counters... I still absolutely love my home. Best decision I ever made was buying this house. Even with all it's quirks and problems... I love it. It's mine! It's got space and love, and uniqueness, and charm, and oddities, but best of all, TONS of potential... It's great!
It is SOOO cold today and yesterday! I don't know how long this is supposed to last... OMG!! It's supposed to get down to 37 degrees tonight! That's crazy for FL. Oh well, I guess it's good for putting people in the Christmas mood though. Well, since I'm getting tired now, maybeeeee I should get to bed. Looking forward to the next time I get to snuggle up next to my love and fall asleep. Guess we will see what happens on that front. So be it! Times are changing, vibrations are changing, my life is changing, faster than I ever imagined. If only I would stop subconsciously resisting them! CHANGE IS GOOD TANDIEY!!! lol ok Night...

Love,
Tandiey Lynn

Adjusting...

I am undergoing a whole lot of personal adjustments. It is turning out to be extremely hard for me. The past week has been jam packed with tons of crying and a little screaming, tons of frustration, yelling, and really nice tight hugs from my loving boyfriend who is being very patient and helpful even when he gets frustrated with me and loses it. I can say now more than ever, the phrase, "Communication is everything" has never rang more true for me. If we are mad, we talk... sad, we talk... happy, we talk... disappointed, we talk... bubbling with joy, we talk. How is the other going to know how you are feeling if you do not communicate those feelings forth to one another. My boyfriend irritates the ever loving piss out of me, but I love him so much because he speaks his truths. Speaking truth is one way to keep your power. I need someone that I can rely on to tell me truth regardless of if it hurts or not. He does that. He is learning to deal with me and I am learning to deal with him. It's all a learning process. A very odd one, but we are both learning just the same. I guess that's all I have to say for now. Good night. I thank the universe for bringing Derrick and myself together again after so many hundreds of years. Hail Divine Spirits!

Love, 

Tandiey

Reflection...

I just want to write this down because I have not felt this peaceful since I can ever remember. This Thanksgiving was absolutely phenomenal. Not because of anything crazy awesome happening, but rather almost a lack thereof. Wednesday was a good night, nothing really, just got some stuff done and hung out. Thursday, woke up and kinda putted around for a while, and then Derrick and I got to working in the kitchen. We worked SO well as a team to do everything from prepping to cooking to maneuvering around each other. It was insanely smooth. I made 2 types of stuffing. One for in the turkey and one to bake. They both came out well. The baked one was a little burned on the bottom and dry because we had it under the turkey in the oven for 45 minutes, but it still tastes good and I FINALLY put the right amount of salt in it this year!! He helped me with chopping up stuff and and peeled the potatoes and made snacks and helped me when I didn't know what I was doing. I made deviled eggs for the first time ever! I cleaned the turkey and he cooked the turkey. OMG soo awesome.. it was falling off the bones when it came out and He used wine and butter. Yum. We ate around 4:30 and watched football and just chilled out. It was so relaxing and rewarding and I kept the kitchen clean the WHOLE time!!! I was so proud. I also made Cherry Cheese Pie and Pumpkin Pie too. So delicious... what an awesome Thanksgiving :) Friday we went out to Walmart to get him a microwave and it wasn't even that packed. So that all went smoothly too. We came home and washed and waxed my car and his scooter together with Rayne. My car looks so beautiful! It's so nice to have had the last few days being productive, but also relaxing. It's such a contradiction, but it just worked. Words can really not express how much this Thanksgiving vacation meant to me. It was beyond amazing for me. Everything that I feel life should really be about.

Looking back on the last year of my life it's just crazy... I never ever thought I would be where I am right now with the views I have right now, a year ago. The last year has brought me tears of sadness and of joy both. As of now, I wouldn't change a thing, because it all happened to get me to this place at this moment and this moment.... isn't too bad ;) A year ago, so much was so different and yet, so much the same. I'm changing. I want to change. I'm going to do this. The earth is changing, I can feel her vibrations. I am a very earthy person and I will change with her. This transition may be rough, but I have to remember the beauty that will come afterward. I know it's coming. It's all about adaptation. I'm usually so good at adapting. But this... this has been really difficult for me. It's still difficult. It may take me longer than others to get through this and figure it out, but I WILL do it. I will adapt, change, morph, and re-evaluate. I'm going to have a beautiful life. We will make it happen. I have to remember that not everything is like it has been in the past. Things are changing fast so I can't base my knowledge of what's to come, on what has happened before. It will be inaccurate. That's all for now. I'm ready to sleep. A year... changes everything.

Love,

Tandiey

So bored...

I've been going going going all day today, so now I'm sitting here waiting for Derrick to get here, Rayne is asleep, and I don't feel like being ambitious anymore tonight. I was going to play Sims, but my computer keeps crashing... It's pretty irritating. Hmm... Maybe I'll play Assassin's Creed II. Not a bad idea... Well that writing was short lived lol. Happy Thanksgiving to all!!

Love

Tandiey

What theeeee heck!!!

So i get into bed to go to sleep and I'm like okkkk I'm nice and sleepy... now I'm all like... gotta write gotta write. First off.... my room smells like dog piss... not fucking happy. Don't know who pissed on my floor, but i can assure you if i find out, someone is not going to be a happy puppy. Either way, here's my dilemma... Are we rushing things? Like after knowing you almost a year now and been dating for a month solid and like kinda a little bit before that, i thought we were doing things just fine. Am i just moody? Am i too clingy? I hate clinginess so i hope that's not it, but it's possible since i have been in a relationship where i had to keep 1000% accountability on the other person at all times to not get lied to or cheated on. NOT BLAMING HIM... i did my fair share of fucked up things in that relationship too. Just saying that it's what I'm used to now and I'm probably carrying over habits. Aside from that... i HATE being alone. I feel like i don't know what to do with myself. I get bored and anxious and ansy when I'm alone. I don't like to think too hard either because it ends up bringing good memories or bad memories to the surface and then i cry. Stupid. I hate crying. I'm so sick of crying. To me, time alone is time in fear. Too much time that i could be worrying so i have to keep busy. I went through a phase not very long ago where all i wanted to do was be alone and read, but now I'm so tired that i just wanna sleep. Its not even real tiredness... its like fatigue from constantly battling with all this crap I'm supposed to be over coming... but its like wtf.... how much more is gonna get added on my plate before i drop it and it shatters... until I shatter? I don't even get a chance to clear one thing off before another 3 get added. I need a breath. Sometimes Its like holy crap i have so many problems and issues what is the point of even trying to fight them.

I really dislike doing this on my phone because it turns into slang and caps are all wrong and grammar. Ahhhh.... I'm freezing! Its cold outside for florida and I'm not used to it. Tonight i have got to say a prayer to my Goddess and God for my friend in Ohio. She is going through some tough times so if anyone reads this and would just like to send Astrina Eribus some light or love or prayers... whatever you may call it... that is definitely appreciated.

I have known who my Goddess is now for almost 2 months i think. Recently however, i have been see my God with these beautiful antlers... yes i said antlers, not horns. I'm willing to bet that it's Cernunnos coming to me. I'm sorry but there is something about the goat horns that just makes me cringe. I can see him as a tree or a 12 point buck but not a satyr. Arianrhod has never left my side. Even before i knew it was her. Poor thing... she sent me owls in my back yard to point me the right direction and all i could find was athena with owls. Then she impressed upon me the importance of the stars that i cherish so much. I have stars everywhere. Even before both of these, i had a past life memory that is the reason my life is changing so much now, and she is the Goddess that sits in the castle and realm where the souls wait to be sent back to earth. So she is the Goddess of the Moon, Stars, corona borealis, and reincarnation. She spins the wheel of time for all our lives. Hail Arianrhod. Mother of all.

Anyways, I'm babbling and not gettig sleepy... so i need to sleep. Thanks!!!!

Love,

Tandiey

I have no clue...

So I'm trying to decide what to do... Should I blog about all my issues, or should I watch Suckerpunch... lol right? Right. Well I guess maybe I'll do both. Today I think a lot of frustration and weird feelings have come to a nice pimply head. I didn't even need to squeeze lol it just popped. I can't trust anyone. Not even myself and I think that is what today was really about. I am SOOO mad at people for not sticking to what they say and I have so many trust issues, that the second I see one little thing it's like this huge red flag goes up and I'm all like OMG DON'T TRUST HIM!!! LOOK LOOK HE IS BETRAYING YOU RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK! Even if it's over the dumbest thing. I guess I'm overly sensitive. Everything hurts me. Which is something I'm working on and Derrick is helping me the best he can. Even with me getting so mad at him for what is really nothing in the end. All he really wants to do is help me and make me understand that what I am doing is just hurting myself, which is bad for everyone involved. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. I know he isn't out doing stupid crap with other girls, he has his priorities straight for the most part, and underneath that asshole exterior, he is really a caring, loving, and good person.

I have a really bad issue with saying things. When I was in the shower, I was thinking about blogging when I got out and I really realized that I say a lot of stuff that I don't necessarily mean. I mean them at the moment, but usually not in the long run. What I write down is more accurate of my actual beliefs on any given matter. That being said, I'm going to try to list some of my real issues. 

• Too sensitive to the opinions and energies of others. [*Let others define who I am*]
• Get overly emotional without necessarily rationalizing the situation. [*Just go on how I feel*]
• Feel my feelings too intensely. [*Super happy then raging angry over things that are not that serious*]
• Become offensive when feeling scared or confused. [*If I bite first I won't get hurt*]
• Trouble relaxing without becoming stagnant. [*No in between full throttle and park*]
• Use sleep as an escape. [*Whenever I "just can't take it" I want to sleep*]
• Difficulty dealing with other people's mistakes. [*Sick of having to clean up after stupid people's bad choices*]
• Don't recognize my achievements/accomplishments and don't give myself a fair amount of credit for the things I have achieved. [*Can't pat myself on the back*]
• Worry too much about how other people feel about me and not enough about how I feel about me. [*Hoping everyone will like the decision I made whether I do or not*]
• Seeking approval. [*Just want people to be proud of me*]
• Most of all, not liking myself.... 

Hell, I don't even know who I am anymore. Somewhere in the last... I would say, 5 or so years, I have completely lost who I thought I was, what I liked, and worst of all, I lost my personality. Not to say that I don't have one because... I DO. Just a lot of my old friends will be like, where is the Emmy we used to know? Where did she go and who are you? I think that is one reason I am having this [what I like to call] midlife crisis of mine. Somewhere between becoming a mother, a soldier, and a wife... I rushed into it so hard that I left myself somewhere in the Poconos, to get lost in the woods, never to be seen again. So now, here I am inventing myself all over again. It's really hard. Everything that I once loved, just doesn't really do it for me anymore... My cars, my video games, my clothes, my hair, my music, my computers... I used to be such a gear head, gamer geek chick, made my own style, always doing something new and crazy with my look, I used to love programming and web page design. Now? What do I do now? I get up and go to work so I can pay for a bunch of stuff that I don't have time to enjoy. That's how I feel. What is the point in that? I hate materialism. I like my stuff, don't get me wrong, but what good is any of it if I can't use it or enjoy it. I go to a job [a good one] that I unfortunately, am not interested in anymore... moreover, I actually hate. I dread going to work. When I used to love working there... now I absolutely hate it. Why? Because I can't make a difference anymore. Because they don't listen to the workers anymore, because engineering has their head SO far up their asses that they can't see how they are screwing the rest of the team. So much for one team one fight lol. Yeah... team on 3... 1, 2, 7... Fuck you guys, I'm going home. I want my job to be my passion, I want to LOVE what I do, even if it means working less hours and making less money. I want to ENJOY my life and live it. Love and utilize what I have instead of just obtaining things. I want to make a difference, I want to be happy and put out good energy into the universe. There is SO much bad energy, I just want to be a light in the darkness and show people that you don't have to live by societies stupid rules to be happy. God... I am such a hippie... look what I just said. Oh my goodies... I'm a freaking hippy. Ok ok... on that note... I'm out. I think I just blew my own mind. See... I have no clue who I am.

 Love,

★ Tandiey ★

Happy Dappy - Sad and Mopey

Ok so enough of my happy posts lol. Been going to therapy and it has come out that I don't write enough, no seriously I don't write enough. So here I am late as FUCK at night before a UTA writing... why? Because I have to. I just do. There are a lot of things that drive me fucking nuts, but one of them is unfairness... I HATE to see people who do nothing just given shit on a silver platter. Like oh here is some expensive item, just because I feel bad for you. PITY PARTY... What the fuck people. SRSLY??? Why bother telling our children to be responsible and hard working... I mean, someone is just gonna carry you through life anyways right? Yeah until the whole world is a bunch of lazy assholes that don't want to work for ANYTHING and think that they are entitled to whatever the hell they want. FUCKHEADS... Someone has to work for it... so you are just gonna mooch off of the people that do care enough to work for it, to actually EARN what they have instead of just demanding equal treatment for not effort? WHAT THE HELL... Oh wait, isn't that what communism is all about? Hmmm maybe when you are too old to make your own decisions I will ship your ass to Russia. You will be with a bunch of like minded people then right? Damn... Is Russia even communist anymore??

HATE... Hate is a strong word that I usually equate to wishing harm upon someone, wanting them dead etc. But seriously... what word do I than use to describe not caring whether someone was alive or dead, or wishing that the universe would just make them disappear from my life completely. I would say that I wish I had never met them at all, but than I wouldn't be here writing this... so I guess I can't quite say that. I just don't want to deal with you or think about you or have this disgust for your pitiful, pathetic existence. The thought of you makes me want to vomit. Apparently, I'm not good with identifying my feelings otherwise I would list those too. The second I see your name or anything to do with you I cringe and instantly get nauseous. Then I get angry because whatever it is that you are saying, no doubt has no fucking weight in my mind and is absolutely useless fucking energy being wasted on the upkeep of such a worthless individual. That is what I really think of you. I think you are fucking WORTHLESS, Pathetic, a poor excuse for a human being, unlovable, a waste of atoms and matter. Your energy would be better used as a tomato to feed a homeless person. If I could disassemble the protons and electrons and atoms that create you and reassemble them into something useful for the greater good. I would do it. Because you are a waste of a life, a waste of resources, and a waste of oxygen as you breathe. Not to mention a waste of everyone's money that they so willing just throw at you like you are some kind of saint. FUCK you. Fuck your life. Fuck your existence. If I ever have to speak to you again it will be too soon.

Now that's out of the way... I realize that I'm a fucked up person too, but at least I'm working on it. I'm making an effort. That's what's wrong with America... people all think they are just entitled to shit. NO. Get off your lazy ASS and make it. Whatever it is that you want, make it. You want a house, build it, you want a job, go look and accept what comes to you. You want to be good at something, practice, you want to learn something, research-study-listen-pay attention. GRrrr.... Out of all the things that I have done in life, I don't care. Because everything I have done, has brought me to here.

Where is here? HERE is where I live, in Florida, a wonderful place. Here is my home, which I put an effort into fighting for when they didn't want to trust a 25 year old with a credit score of 600. Here, is at my job... making decent money so I can help other people in NEED, so that they can pay if forward or help people I love because it makes me Happy. Here is where I met my boyfriend. Derrick Shafer... The love of my life. I am sorry for hurting feelings along the way. I truly am. But here, here, is where I am. Here is where I need to be, where my path has led me, where I will learn and continue my journey. Here is where Derrick and I learn who we truly are, together, and apart, and create a life that is exactly what we want. Here is where I catch a break from the shitty lives that I have dealt with just to be in his arms again. Here is where we remember our past lives, to learn from them, to better ourselves from them, and advance our souls to the next level. Hundreds, maybe thousands of years we were apart in between lives together. It is just like now. We know the other is there, but we have our separate houses, and separate times so that we can learn from it and become the best we can, so that together, we can face anything the universe throws at us. Together Derrick, Adrian, my King, we will become stronger than ever, and we will do whatever is necessary. Together we will ignite the fire of life into the world and watch it burn, burn to the ground so we can help the people build a new and better tomorrow. Together my love, we are unstoppable... together... forever. Infinity. For infinity our energy will intertwine for the betterment of the universe. Even in small steps. I feel more for you than I ever thought possible to feel about another human, but that is because you are not just a human. You are part of my soul. Our souls together create a force to be reckoned with. I know that you know it's true. We are one.

Love,
   ~*Tandiey*~     (Tandiey is happy, Emilie is sad, Emilie is not welcome here anymore.)

Storybook...

Here I am... master of words, speechless. There are no words in the English language to convey the feelings inside of myself. It's all swirling around in this weird emotional stew. I am about to embark on an all new journey... a journey of growth... of overcoming fear... coming into my own... learning who I am and what it is that I feel that I need to do... but most of all... a journey of teaching myself happiness. How to be happy, to feel happy, and to recognize happy when it's sitting right in front of me. I will no longer be afraid of being content, because I will be sure to pair contentment with happiness always. Not one without the other.
I got told good job today by my base supervisor. Insane. He also told me that he's seen an improvement in my demeanor. Weird. This week has been pretty easy on base. And Monday night, I bought a new car!... well new to me. 2008 scion tc!!! Yippee!!!  It's charcoal grey and a special edition series :) I have to say it hasn't been bad this week. One more day!!! Ok I'm falling asleep typing.

"Until the sun rises in the West and sets in the East, until the rivers run dry..." scary. I'm falling asleep typing. Good night.

True story...

Love transcends time... I don't care what anyone says... I have found my Adrian I really have. We will live like peasants and feel like king and queen of our own little world. We have a love that outshines the sun and reunites us after centuries. I know I have dredged through terrible lives and amazing lives, just to find you again. You are not only a soulmate, you are my twin flame... half of my soul. Without you I am half empty and only half full. You are a man that has had many names and to me you are and will always be my Adrian. The world is so different since last we were together, but we will do our best to shine the light on the world. You will be the light and I will be the love. The truth hurts... so I will patch the wounds. Together, our potential is beyond comparison. I know that with you, I can conquer anything and with me you can lead the world. I have never been so sure in my life. We are right. We are one. Forever and always, through time, space and universal distance. Adrian and Tandiey. <3

Crimson tears...

07/06/2012 - My heart is burning. No not heart burn... it feels like my heart is on fire. I have a lump in my throat and I have cried so much tonight that I'm pissed at crying. This is my declaration.... Michael Mercantini... I'm letting you go. No longer will I cry because you get to go out and I don't. No longer will I cry because I feel that I have paved the way for you to have a beautiful life. No longer will I cry because I loved you so much and see so much more potential than you give yourself credit for. No longer will I stand up for you when you won't stand up for yourself. I release you from my heart. I release you from my worry. I release you from all bonds to me as a person. You are grown man and you are responsible for your own decisions and I will no longer be your life coach. I love you Michael... and I'm sure a part of me always will, but I can't enable you to skate by anymore. Goodbye Mikey... Goodbye my husband... Goodbye my partner. You are now... a friend and only a friend.

It's time for me to move on. Open a new chapter and change this story till I make a happy ending. Goodbye old life... hello new adventures. I can't lose hope now. It's only up from here.
Take my hand, hold me awhile, tell me you understand. Give me your love and it will be returned, more so everyday. Our love will grow like the mighty oak that you so fondly speak of. One day our ugly roots will be covered by the sands of time and our beautiful leaves will give shade to our generations to come. Hush now my love, no need to speak... I hear you in my mind. You love me now, you loved me then. I love you forever and that's how it ends.

Bettering myself...

Today, I'm making the decision to be a better mom. I need to be more involved in my daughter. I need to write down recipes and cook with her and play with her more. She isn't me and I'm not her. We are not interested in the same things... so it's time for a compromise. I need to quit making her do what I like and learn to help her do what she likes. This decision and awakening brought to you by the movie Brave.

Love,
Emilie

Tandiey

Bedtime...

So as I sit here in bed, trying to go to sleep, all the thoughts running through my head are just insane. Tuesday is someone special's birthday. I keep refusing the title of girlfriend... but  should I really? Why is it that I feel the need to refuse it. Will it really hurt anything? Probably not... my life is already in a crazy shambles. I have a lot of love to give out. If I don't get to express it, I get grouchy. Michael is still living with me for now. Some days I just can't wait for him to get  his own place and other times I'm like damn... I'm gonna miss him. When things are good they are pretty good, but when they are bad, I wanna stab myself repeatedly... unfortunately, there are more occasions that I want to stab myself than there are awesome times. That's why we are breaking up. I hate breaking up. It sucks. Especially when you don't hate the other person. It makes it a whole lot harder. I have work in the morning. I need to go to sleep , but nothing gets sorted out in my head. I hate always feeling out of control like there is some merry go round that I am on and can't get off and don't know when it will stop. I just can't wait for some stability. I think that is really what this all comes down to. I want to be stable in every single way possible. I know that is impossible to achieve, but the closer I can come to that the happier I'm sure that I will be. I will feel like I can breathe again and not have this constant tightness in my chest. That will be such a relief. Well, at least I'm getting tired now. Talking about things even to no-one is an amazing help. *breathe* soooooo complicated. Oh well... goodnight.

"Until the sun rises in the west and sets in the east... until the rivers run dry and the mountains blow in the wind like leaves... you are my sun and stars and I am your moon."

Love,
Tandiey ♡

Recent Dreams...

The past couple of nights, I have been having some really odd dreams! Interesting, but odd nonetheless.

So, not last night, but the night before, It started off with a dream that took place in what I believe to be the 30's.

I lived in the country type area, and to go to any stores we had to walk to the more suburban type places. Our family was poor and we sewed all our own clothes and we didn't dress like the other people or act like the other people or anything like that. So here I am, in my patterned dress that I'm guessing my mother made for me, and what I think was a bonnet (even though that really isn't time period appropriate I don't think), and little brown shoes. I walk into town knowing exactly what I am there for. I'm heading to the bookstore, but I'm scared because I want to find a book about witchcraft and I don't want to get caught because I will be seriously persecuted and maybe even killed. So I get to the store, which is more of an all in one store and the ladies are all wearing nicer clothes than me and I feel even more inferior. They ask me if I need help and I tell them that I am just browsing. They keep asking me, and I keep telling them no thank you. After a while of this, they finally leave me alone and then I realize why they were in a hurry to get rid of me. It is because they are very softly discussing witchcraft in the back room! They were trying to be just as careful as myself. So I gather some courage and put some book on the counter that wasn't obviously about it, but hinted at it I guess, and I sort of gave the lady a funny look like I knew and wanted to know more. She recognized the look that I had given her and asked if I had found everything that I had come for, so I stated that I hadn't and was wondering if she had any more in depth literature that I could see. So she invited me to the back. That dream ended.

Next dream... I'm in Massachusetts, some where in the very new englandy type area. I don't know what year it is, but probably upwards of the 50's. My family lives in a nice cape cod style, 3 story white house. My brother is very depressed about something and wears a red sweatshirt/sweater with a hood all the time. He doesn't want to talk to us anymore. He is mean to all of his friends, and soon doesn't want to eat or come out of his room. He stops going to school and recluses himself to his room and refuses to come out. Our parents think he is going through a phase. I'm playing in my room, reading or something, and hear a very loud thud. So I look out the window and my brother is laying on the ground, face down, spread eagle. He jumped off the roof trying to commit suicide. He was unconscious, but lives and is fine. Shortly after coming home from the hospital, he climbs to the roof again. This time he is successful and dies. I get his red sweatshirt. I start wearing it all the time, just like my brother like a memorial to him. Gradually, I start to feel very depressed and don't want to be around anyone. I start to exhibit the same symptoms as my brother. A week or two later, I'm trying to climb up the side of the house to get to the roof and our house servant sees me and stops me. My parents are baffled. They contact someone. I'm not sure if it was a priest or some other spiritual person, but either way, we realize that my brother was possessed by an entity connected to the sweatshirt and when he died and left the entity with no body to inhabit, it attached back to the sweatshirt and when I put it on then it jumped into me. It took advantage of the sadness I have from losing my brother and used it as a door to enter in. My parents cleansed the house and burned the sweatshirt. Dream ended.

Third dream. Pretty ridiculous because it's fantastical to the max. It was like Game of Thrones, meets Rift, meets real life. We are all amping up for a battle against each other/something/really not sure. The Dothraki are on their horses, Kahl Drogo (Derrick) leading them like the great warrior he is. I was Kahleesi and Michael was Jorah. So Jorah and I are making our way across the meadow when these 3 crazy bitches all dressed in red sheer outfits, all blond, with daggers, come at us. I know they are after me and not him. They start doing this crazy throwing dagger dance thing. They are like boomerang throwing daggers and kind of reminded me of the ones that Mileena has in Mortal Kombat. So they get ready to throw them at me and I kneel down to the ground and put my fist against the soil and cover myself with an invisible shield of protection. Their daggers bounce off of it and it only shows when something hits it. They are confused and just back away. We continue walking. We are walking through all the forest and vines and things and get to this special tree. I don't remember what it is called and then we somehow enter a portal that takes us to the modern day urban area of like New Jersey. (WTF?) So we spend the rest of the dream wandering around trying not to get beat up by random punk kids because we are dressed funny and talk funny. And somewhere in there... there was a Goddess of some sort. She had black long pretty hair, blue eyes, and flowy light colored clothes. Strange.

Last night...
I dream about this freaking abandoned house in Little Gap, near where I grew up. Michael and I go to check it out because I want to buy it. IT"S A SHIT HOLE! He is like are you sure??? I mean I know the house in Florida wasn't great when we bought it, but a home inspector would have a heart attack if the stepped foot in here. So I'm like YES!!! I love it! I want it. So we buy it and I'm telling Michael that I think the people that lived here were named Nancy and Theodore. I channeled that information. It was strange. So I'm cleaning out an upstairs bathroom medical cabinet and I come across some old ass prescription bottles. One had the name Nancy on it and there was one with Theodore, one with Peter, and one with and A name. I think Albert. I ran down to show Michael and he was like whoa. So somehow I found out that Theodore had schizophrenia and that's why there was 3 names. Then I channeled that Nancy and Theodore were me and Michael in our last life, which was very shortly ago. We came back so soon because we hadn't finished our mission so there wasn't much to review when we went back home. So then I find out that the plot of land right next to the house was previously a cemetery *gasp* and I think it's sooooo cool, but Michael is like NOT COOL DUDE. Then one day I was crying because Michael can see ghosts and I can't. So we are walking down the street next to the house and all of a sudden I start crying because I can actually see the ghosts! I was so happy. There were like 5 little kid ghosts. I think like 3 little boys and 2 little girls. So I start talking to them and they all recognized that I was talking to them and the one boy came over to me. So I start conversating with him and Michael sees him and I see him and I ask him to touch my hand and I could feel him. So I'm crying because I'm so excited and I tell Michael OMG I can see, talk to, and feel ghosts now! And the little boy looks at me all confused like and says... oh no, we are ghosts... we are demons! I, of course, freak, and am like WHAT. He says, people have the wrong idea about us. We aren't what everyone associates with the word. When people refer to demons they are referring to (Stregheria term) We aren't that. But at that point I was so disconcerted by the whole event, that I went back and smudged the whole house and did a spell to keep all demons out and put a sea salt barrier around the outside of the house. That dream ended there and I woke up.

So as you can see... I have had a wacked out couple of nights of dreams. Thought I would share.

Love,

Emilie

Tandiey

Well then... Me.

Who am I? Great question right? Well let me just tell you. Here is what I am. I am an opinionated, sometimes honest to the point of cruelty, confidant, dreamer, who tries her hardest to obtain what it is she needs in life. Listen, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings by bringing light of real situations in life. Ignoring things does NOT in any way, shape, or form, mean that they don't exist. If you really think this, than you are STUPID... Yes I said it. YOU ARE STUPID. Sheltering your children from the horrible things that are; in all honesty, reality, is just dumb. They will not know how to handle extreme situations, the will freeze up, have anxiety, panic, and ultimately cause someone's demise. I don't want to be in a fox hole with YOUR kid if they have never even seen a movie of someone getting their head blown off... because when it happens, right there in front of us... I'll end up dying because YOUR kid can't handle the harsh realities of life and death. It's not all fucking rainbows and gumdrops. There is some really fucked up stuff out there. Prepare your kids for reality people... Come on. Do everyone a favor and make sure your kid isn't the reason that an entire squad of troops get's fucking annihilated. Guess that is just my military mentality... Ok, now that I have ranted about that bullshit...

I am beginning to realize that I am nothing like I thought I was. Or I am so quickly changing that I can't even keep up with myself. Metaphysical, Quantum physics, Science, Religion, Philosophy, History... all things that I am finding myself interested in. When did this happen? I have no clue. Somehow, I can do things that I have never even thought about. I can read Tarot cards, I'm beginning Mediumship, I have pretty good intuition, and I'm helping lead a Pagan group... what the fuck? Like for real... no really I am.

My life is so upside down, I broke up with my husband, I got back with my husband, and now he is off his meds, which is totally affecting his personality, and it's FREAKING killing me!!! I don't know what to do. I love him I do, but things are so weird. He is a totally different person on his meds and I honestly don't know if I can deal with him not on them. I love having someone who cares about me and is encouraging and helps me. He is so awesome with all of it. But at the same time, I don't want to be where I am completely driving myself nuts trying to deal with someone, even if I love them. I don't know what to do. I want to cry. I don't want to break his heart AGAIN. How many times can I do this. I don't want him to hate me. I've done tons of things that I shouldn't have, and I know he should hate me. What am I doing? I never know. It's like I always come full circle back to this. I am so sick of fighting for everything. I just want to beeee....... Just live.....

I am a product of all my past lives, Ireland, Italy, some Stone community 40,000 yrs ago, some life in some warrior type land where I was a whore and a favorite of the King. The king was a mighty warrior and always fought right beside his men. He told me many things that a whore should not know about war plans and affairs of the royal house. One day, he went to battle and never came back. I'm sure there are many others that I haven't recalled yet. I have fears, and flaws, and I'm definitely a bit messed up, but I am me and nothing else.

"The bridge, the door is open now, beware the darkness, trust yourself" all these things my guides have told me in some form or another. Confused, that is what I am. I am a sad confused little girl, crying in the corner of an abandoned house, waiting for some amazing man to come and take my hand and give me a reason to get up, brush off, and start living again. Fucking fairy tales... Damn you Disney.

Love,
Emilie

Tandiey

Fuck uta...

This place is such a cluster fuck. Here I am at UTA. I have a PT test. This sucks. I hate it with a burning passion. I've been in the gym for 45 minutes waiting for this to start. At least the day will be half over by the time I'm done with this. That could be a good thing. I'm in such a sure mood. And I'm dizzy and don't feel good. If nothing else, I'm glad I never got the ART position here. Divinity most definitely takes care of us and knows best. I'm counting down the time until I'm done here. 13 more utas after this weekend. I just need to make it through. There are a whole lot of things that I need to work through.  Time to start...

This has been hard...

This week I had a dream. It came to me 3 times in one night, that is how I knew that I needed to listen. I kept telling myself, "It's time". I knew what it pertained to. I knew what I was supposed to do. It was very hard to gather the courage to do it, but I did. I told him that I was done. I just can't do this anymore. He was taking it pretty hard. We both cried for awhile. I had to go to work, so we dried our tears and dismissed it a bit. Then he started acting like I had never said anything, which was frustrating me. I asked him if he was going to stop and he said yes, that it was a habit. Then tonight, I burst out more harshly than I should have. He made some smart remark to me and ended it in "baby" and I spouted off, "I ain't your fucking baby." I guess I crushed him. I walked out after a minute of a blank stare and low snarl. I guess about an hour later, I went to go find him to apologize for being so rude and insensitive, and couldn't find him. So I texted him. I got no response. 11:00 he comes rolling in drunk. He had walked across the street to buy some alcohol. I was playing Socom. So here we are, after all this nonsense, I was wondering where the hell he was and if he was at least ok. Shortly after he comes home drunk, he ends up in the bathroom puking. *sigh* So here I am shooting people on Socom and taking care of my puking husband that I am in the process of breaking up with. FML. I think he does this subconsciously on purpose. Every time that I have tried to break up with him, some "tragedy" happens and I have to come to the rescue. He knows that I can't turn away from some one that I care about so he knows that I will end up helping him. I think he uses it against me with out even knowing that he is doing it. Ugh. How I wish that I was going to work tomorrow. I so do NOT want to be home, near home, with him, anywhere here at all. I am so frustrated and just grrrr. I need to talk to someone so badly, but there is no one here for me to talk to. Of course, like I said a thousand times before... I am always alone, even when I'm not.

Love,
   Emilie

Tandiey

The wanted

"the sun goes down, the stars come out, and all that counts is here and now..."

Finding my path...

I have to say that tonight, I attended my first actual Pagan ritual. It was so neat! I decided to visit a relatively new and upcoming local group of pagans as they had invited me to a Dark Moon ritual honoring the goddess Hekate and god Apollo. It was for them to bring the light and warmth of spring to us and leave the dark months behind. It was quite nice. Everyone there was really cool, down to earth, helpful, and just all around chill people. I'm looking forward to getting more involved with the group. I would love to end up being the Reiki master of our little group :) *squeals* how exciting would that be!! I want to find my path so much and I'm thinking that little by little it's coming together. Just as Maria said, the angels light one step at a time for you to see. I'm ok with that. Really. I know I'm impatient most of the time, but as long as I'm not standing still, I'm alright.
Anyways, I really should be getting to bed. I feel so much lighter since I attended my ritual. It felt like church is supposed to feel and kind of used to feel for me. We did a really interesting part of the ritual in the beginning where the hostess rinsed all of our hands with sacred water to signify washing away our negativity from the day and such. I really liked that part. It all so very symbolic, which is probably why I identify with it so much. I'm a very symbolic person. Ok Ok Ok, bedtime.

Love,
   Emilie


Tandiey

Destiny? Fate? What?

Oye... just oye... Today I was so seriously unproductive. All I did was watch a tv show all day. I watched 12 episodes of The Secret Circle. My mind was cluttered before, now it's even more jammed.
On top of all the magick stuff in the show, what really has me wondering is the whole Adam and Cassie thing...
Can it really be possible for 2 people to be destined to be with each other? Can it be "written in the stars"? It just has me pondering life and love. Soulmates, twin flames, destiny... fate. I understand that soulmates and twin flames are different, now that I've looked it up, but I almost hate to say, I think I'd even be happy with a positive soulmate relationship without even attaining my twin flame. I mean, if I found my twin flame that would be amazing, but the chances of that happening logically are just so slim. I just don't want to have a negative relationship. Soulmates or not... I need positivity and joyfulness not grim drudgery. YUCK! I feel like I am so messed up! It's so difficult to distinguish whether it's me that is messed up or mostly my relationship that is messed up. I don't want to blame anyone, but at the same time, I don't want to blame myself if it's not really me. Credit should go where credit is due regardless of the polarity of the credit itself.

I have felt nauseous all day. I think it's stress. I know that whatever my decision is I need to decide, because it's eating me alive. I need to move on in whatever direction and quit torturing myself. Why is it that I am not ready to do that? What is holding me back, WHY am I holding myself back?
OMG. My head hurts. I wish I could meditate, but it seems like it never gets me anywhere. Literally, like I just sit here and am like oooook anytime now I should like be clearer or something, but nope. Doesn't happen. Grrrr... I'm so Grrrr right now. I don't even know what to write. Soooo the end.

Love,
   Emilie

Tandiey

What am I doing?

Today I'm having one of those, "I'm so done with this, just leave me alone, let me out" kind of days... I hate being a yo-yo, one day I want to stay, the next day I want to leave. Some days, I just want to runaway and disappear all together. Life is so damn confusing. I'm probably over analyzing. Today was such a mix of good and bad. I'm so thankful for someone that makes me smile in the face of sadness and I had a decent "work" day, but while I was there I got some shitty news. So that made it a little hard, but then I took a little bit to re-focus and everything was fine again. I want to be positive. I want to be happy. I want to condition myself to be gorgeous and smart, joyful, loving, happy, amazing, to enjoy life, patient, a good mother, a good woman to a good man...  all of these things. I want to be able to take my role as healer and dps support and let my man be the tank. I know that was geeky as hell, but it's really a good analogy for all the mmorpgers out there.

I'm feeling very off lately, I'm trying so hard to figure out what it is that I want out of life, what service I can be to others, what path I should choose. I can't believe that in such a ridiculously short time after getting married, I'm already toying with the idea of separation and divorce. UGH... that word divorce. I loathe it. I should have never gotten married. Like they say, the number one cause of divorce is marriage. To me, it feels like divorce = failure. I HATE failing. Am I giving up? If that's the case, it's even worse, because than, I'm a quitter. But, what if I'm not failing or quitting, maybe I am choosing to take a different path in life. Am I still a failure and quitter because I chose something different? I'm so confused. My head is a mess inside and trying to organize it takes a lot of time, energy and effort. I know I love him, but do I love him? I don't want anything negative to happen to him, but at the same time, I don't feel that I am happy or doing him any good either. He brings me down, and I bring him down, then we take turns bringing each other up for awhile and then back down again. It's a vicious circle. I want out of the circle. The chain of events is slowly killing me. I've repeated history 3 times with this at least already. You'd think I would have learned by now. Am I insane? The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result right? I feel like that's what I am doing. When will I be able to handle these thoughts. Yeah they come out, yeah I write them down, but in the end is it how I feel? Is it what I want to do? I wish I knew. My heart hurts and my eyes drain, yet in the the end the answer still eludes me.

I guess that's it for now. My mind already hurts and this was a short entry...

Love,
    Emilie

Tandiey

This is my journey

Today, I am home. It is Saturday. I am fully intending to make a change in my life. Well, a few of them actually. It's going to be hard to break old habits, but I CAN do this and it is something that needs to be done. I need to be a more positive person, for myself and my daughter. I need to try to focus on good things and let the not so good ones slide more. I'm glad to have someone in my life that is on the side lines pushing me to be a better person for myself. It means more than I think they know. I have always been a strong believer in the saying, "Lead by example." Now I have to take that step and lead my daughter by example. I have to show her how to be happy, not just for me. I need to follow my heart, my higher self, my soul, whatever you want to call it. Find my path, take my journey, and be happy. Wherever that road may take me, that is where I need to go. Maybe I should stop thinking so logically and start thinking more intuitively. I have a gift, why not use it?  I need balance, logic and intuitive. Head and heart. So many terms for the same damn thing. I'm sorry for my stream of consciousness writing. It is just something that happens when I'm unloading my brain.

 I need to take these next few days and just empty. My thermometer that is always near breaking point... I need to drain the mercury out of it. Start from 0 degrees and never get past 100. Something that I really need to work on, not getting so frustrated so quickly. I have worked on it quite a bit and calmed down a lot, but it's still not enough. I've reached a low plateau on that and need to keep working on it.

Tomorrow is Reiki 2. I'm looking forward to my attunement. I am ready. I am ready to be a tool of universal light. I want the light and love of the universe to flow through me to everyone I come in contact with, because deep down, I know that I care. I care about everyone, I want to help everyone. First though, I need to help myself. THAT is my current journey, helping myself. So God, please let the universal love and light fill me and heal me from the inside out. Send your angels to help me on my path and show me the steps to take. Let me find my spiritual stepping stones and the trail to hike during my spiritual ventures. Thank you.

Love,
   Emilie

Tandiey

Today's Cards :)

Today is going to be a good day! The angels are helping me in everyway i need.

Well...

I just wanted to say that today was a pretty much all around good day. My class tonight was awesome and I was so happy to have been able to go. I absolutely love my teacher. She means the world to me.

Reiki 2 on Sunday!!! So excited. I LOVE learning new things. Today was full of hope... I have hope that I will find my path, I will enjoy my journey, I will help people, and I will be HAPPY!

Now though, it's time for bed. I'm so tired and it's way past my bedtime. Good night!

Love,
    Emilie

Tandiey

The Ocean of Life

"The Ocean of Life"

My heart is breaking..
With every day its taking
Till I can see your face again (face again) (see you again)

I write this song with tears in my eyes
I'm so confused from all the lies.
One day maybe I will understand it all. (understand it all)

        (Chorus)
What goes down must come up,
One moment it's empty, then I have a full cup,
Life is like the waves of time.
and like the flow, the flow of rhyme.
Back and forth and to and fro,
Look out world 'cuz here we go.
Let's ride this rollercoaster till we all collapse.
This life is over way too fast.

One day I cry and then I smile
You feel my emotions all the while.
I hate my pain because you hurt. (you hurt) (don't wanna hurt)

Someday maybe I'll find my path.
When that happens, I hope we can last,
But until then my hearts still breaking... (little by little) (piece by piece)


         (Chorus)
What goes down must come up,
One moment it's empty, then I have a full cup,
Life is like the waves of time.
and like the flow, the flow of rhyme.
Back and forth and to and fro,
Look out world 'cuz here we go.
Let's ride this rollercoaster till we all collapse.
This life is over way too fast.

       (Bridge)
This is it now, I have to choose
My life is here and now so what do I have to lose...
Decisions are at every step,
I'll make them now and hope for the best.
My time is short so I have to go,
My time is too short to be living so low.
When this life is over, I hope to say
That I lived my best every single day.
If I can't say that, then what do I have,
but a bunch of days that mean nothing at last.


         (Chorus)
What goes down must come up,
One moment it's empty, then I have a full cup,
Life is like the waves of time.
and like the flow, the flow of rhyme.
Back and forth and to and fro,
Look out world 'cuz here we go.
Let's ride this rollercoaster till we all collapse.
This life is over way too fast.

          (Bridge 2)
Today I will start living for real.
I will try to listen to how I feel. (how do you feel)
I will maintain control but always know
That when it's gone, I must let it go.


        (Chorus)
What goes down must come up,
One moment it's empty, then I have a full cup,
Life is like the waves of time.
and like the flow, the flow of rhyme.
Back and forth and to and fro,
Look out world 'cuz here we go.
Let's ride this rollercoaster till we all collapse.
This life is over way too fast.





COPYRIGHT January 10, 2012

Yo Yo up and then down...

Why do I feel like a freaking yo yo, one minute I'm up then I'm down and never do I stop. Today I spent my lunch break crying my eyes out trying to figure out what it is that I want in life. I'm at a fork in the road, which path do I take? There are always consequences. So many consequences. How do I "just live in the present moment"? If I was to do that, I would do a lot of things that would probably make me a bad person. I'm just so spent. So confused. I feel like a I just can't handle it anymore. I almost feel like I am grasping at anything and everything to try to boost my mood regardless of if it's bad or good. 

I wish I knew what to write, what to say, what step to take next. I wish I knew who to talk to and who to not talk to. I always talk to a lot of people and get their opinions and advice and then take them all into consideration and form my own conclusion. Then I make my decision. It's just that I don't like either choices this time around. When it boils right on down to it this is what I feel like my choices are:

Be married and unhappy, or Be alone.

Both of those don't sound too nice. I can't really see pros to either of them. Right now, I'm pretty unhappy being married. Why you may ask? I am not sure. I feel like I have been lied to so much with so many things that I don't know what else to do anymore. I feel like my psychologist has lied to me. The marriage counselor has lied to me. My friends are lying to me. I am lying to myself. What in the hell am I doing? 

One of my friends said that I need to be checked for bipolar. I can understand that. If I'm not bipolar though, I must have some really bad self-destructive habits or something. Maybe guilt issues? I feel like a freaking basket case. I don't want to be insane. I want to be happy, fun loving, in love, joyful, full of generosity and love. I want to be a healer, an herbalist, an apothecary. How can I be any of those things when I can't even heal and help myself. It's impossible. I need to heal before I can heal others. 

Saturday, I'm taking Reiki 2. Maybe when I learn the symbol for raising energy I can help myself raise the energy I need to heal myself. Wishful thinking I know, but I'm the dreamer apparently. Somehow I'm a dreamer and a pessimist. How the hell does that go together lol. I'm desperate to find balance. I need balance. I feel like I'm slowly dying inside. I want to escape myself. 

I wish you would read this, so you might understand more what's in my head. I want someone to understand me so much. I need to feel that connection. I yearn for it. I am scared that I am searching for an unattainable feeling. Maybe it doesn't exist, but I swear it does. I swear I felt it once, I swear I also knew it in a dream, not just knew or felt it, but was fully and completely engulfed within it. It was the best dream I have ever had. Maybe a memory, maybe not. In the end, does it matter? It was in my subconscious mind and when I woke up, I could still feel it. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I almost cried. It was a dream of long ago, when times were different, people were different, and life was quite literally, only what you make of it. We didn't have a lot, but we had each other, a thatched roof over our heads, a warm fire, enough food to survive, and the beauty of nature at our feet. It was all we needed to be happy. I want to feel THAT happiness again. 

I'm done with this now. I could go on and on in circles. One day, may we all feel the love that I felt in my dream...

Love,

    Emilie

Tandiey

Today...

The only thing I have for today is a quote. I had UTA and it was boring. Tomorrow will be the same, but this... this is what is in my mind right now.


"The best things in life are the nearest: breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you." --- Robert Lewis Stevenson 


If the world ended tomorrow, would I be happy with what today was? My answer to that would be hell no. Why is this so confusing? 

My weird scientific dream...

The hormone levels of males in a relationship with females of an unbalanced type will automatically adjust themselves to balance the overall amount of certain hormones thus causing the levels to equal out to approximate necessity for balance. Females with a higher than normal testosterone level will automatically cause their male counterpart to unknowingly produce less testosterone to balance the equation of hormone levels in the home or relationship for those spending mass amounts of time togeher.


That was written at about 5am this morning when I awoke from my dream that I had just discovered this. I was a scientist or something. Either way I was telling someone about my discovery and woke up so I had to document it. The last time that I had a scientific dream so detailed was about 9 years ago when I had found the formula of the evolution of mankind and realized that the evolution of our species moves in a wave pattern. I was like 18... really? I only wish I would have thought to write down the details to that dream, because I had literally written down the formula on a dry erase board in my dream and could see it when I woke up. I had all kinds of details, but didn't write it down, instead I just went back to sleep. It would have been interesting to see if any of my science dreams are actually true... Enjoy.

Love,
    Emilie

Tandiey

Welcome 2012...

I decided to do a tarot reading on myself today, with the start of the new year and all you know... I did the spread that seemed to call to me. The wheel of the year spread. It's a circle basically marked by the sabbats of the year. Each card is representative of that time of the year. I interpreted it that each card was a representation of me at that time in the upcoming year. So here it is...

Starting from about now. The top left corner, which would be Imbolc, I'll list them going counterclockwise.


Imbolc - Feb. 2: Page of Cups ~ A messenger, vulnerable, yet still taking the risks. Fearless, intellectual, and listening. Emotional.
Ostara - March 20: Queen of Cups ~ Compassionate, creative, receptive, empathic, and intuitive. Nurtures people with patience and love.
Beltane - May 1: The World ~ Queen of the Witches, this card depicts success and completion. Corresponds to the planet of Saturn, a planet of boundaries which will help me define myself and relate to others without losing my individuality. Definition of myself. (I'm highly looking forward to that)
Midsummer - June 20: The High Priestess ~ Master of divination, symbolic of intuition, guidance, and the cyclical nature of life. Reflection on both spiritual and philosophical levels. The dualities of nature. Psychic abilities.
Lammas - Aug. 1: Two of Swords ~ Challenges, difficult decisions, use of other senses to see what is really there. Symbolic of uncertain peace, a frail alliance, and an impasse. Suggests the need to resolve a stalemate or break a tie.
Mabon - Sept. 21: Three of Swords ~ A card of grief and heartbreak. Symbolizes heartache, pain, abandonment, and estrangement. Sometimes betrayal, infidelity, and divorce.
Samhain - Oct. 31: Ten of Swords ~ A card of overkill and ruin. Symbolizes destruction, loss, breakdown of relationships, disillusion and disloyalty. Normally relates to gossip and backstabbing. "Death by a thousand cuts." Doesn't happen all at once.
Yule - Dec. 21: The Hermit ~ Represents wisdom, prudence, illumination, philosophy, introspection, and meditation. Illustrates the concept of solitude and the power of silence. Very critical of oneself.


There you have it. My life for the next year. Now, we remember that every decision we make can change the path of life. So basically, if I continue on the path that I am currently on, this is what will probably happen. If I change it, this too will change. Decisions, decisions... Do I want to change it? Or is this what I really want? Hmmmm....