Confessions...

September 30, 2014

In light of recent events, I have had to coach my daughter to stop lying to get people to like her and I have realized that so many people do this that it is almost scary. I guess I already kind of knew this, but more light than usual has been shed on this subject. I, like too many others, have partially been living a lie. I tell her not to worry what other people think of her. I tell her that if that person does not put a roof over your head, food on your plate, or a grade on your homework, than it doesn't matter what they think. In this world of material items, when the entire focus on life is on how much money you make and how many material items you can buy, this point is very hard to drive home, especially to a child who loves pretty sparkly things. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with her liking pretty sparkly things, but I want her to like them because SHE likes them. I want her to like them because seeing them makes her feel happy, not because Susy Sunshine likes it and everybody likes her.

I explained to her that I love lime green, because everytime I see it, it makes me feel happy. I don't like things just because other people do, I like them because they make me feel happiness. I'm not up to date on all the latest trends. I'm not interested in the fact that my favorite pair of jeans are flare leg and that's completely out of style. I'm not interested in the fact that some people didn't approve of my hot pink or rainbow hair that I had this spring. I am certainly not interested in what people who do not affect my everyday life are thinking about me. I am, however, a little too concerned with what people that DO affect my life think about me, my personality, or my choices. It's time for that to come to an end.

What type of an example am I setting if I am constantly thinking about what they think? As soon as my daughter gets a boyfriend or a best friend who doesn't approve of her taste in fashion or her enthusiasm for odd hobbies, will she just try to change herself to fit their form because she is too afraid to lose their interest? I don't want her to. I want her to stand up for what makes her happy. If she isn't hurting anyone or herself, what does it matter if she likes to, I don't know, paint pictures of fairies and mermaids all day.

So here is my confession. I do not like to play social games, even though I am rather good at them. In fact, I hate it. I hate smiling at people that I don't like just because they are friends with my friend. I hate acting like I'm proper and lady-like when I have to burp. I hate sugar coating the truth for people when they need to be hit with a 2 x 4. Ok, Ok, I understand that one, because sometimes the truth can hurt more than the mistake a person will make... so that one is up for interpretation. Really though, I hate pretending to have a good time when I am not. I hate drinking with a bunch of people that I don't like and still being expected to keep the painted smile on and not to say things that are inappropriate. I hate pretending that I'm the kind of person who sits around and drinks and small talks. Those of you who know me well, know that I'm not the most appropriate person. I clean up well when needed, but it's not my natural habitat. I'm not Tyrion Lannister, I could never live in King's Landing. Small talk is for shallow people. Small talk is for people who are covering up who they truly are inside because they are afraid of rejection of their true self.

Like I told my daughter, If you don't show your true self, you will never find other people that are like you. Here are the things that I enjoy. Learning, getting good grades, languages, codes, flourescent colors, skater shoes, belly shirts, short shorts, poetry, music with good lyrics, intelligent conversation, deep meaningful conversations, contemplating the universe, science, the paranormal, the supernatural, nature, animals, cultures, travelling, discovery, helping people, intimacy, passion, love, good sex, good food, the sound of the ocean crashing on the shore, the smell of salt air, the smell of the forest, gymnastics, contortionists, tattoos, adrenaline rushes, things that go vroom, the sound of a turbo paired with a blow-off valve, driving fast, nerdy glasses, backwards hats, homemade jewelry, achieving, resourcefulness, and honesty. I'm sure there are plenty of other things that I'm forgetting.

I am me, a pile of random likes and dislikes because they make me feel a certain way. I do not like things because other people like them. I do not dislike things because someone tells me that they are wrong. I listen, observe, and form my own opinion based on my observation. If what I observe changes, than so does my opinion.


Love,
       ~*Tandiey*~

It's Almost Amusing...

It's almost amusing how people act differently in front of certain people than they do with others. It is also amusing how much you can find out about a person by looking through their communication devices. I know my email and phone would tell a very interesting story about my life if anyone cared to peer into them. I find myself wondering at this moment... when people tell lies... do they even realize how much they are lying or do think that they are just embellishing the truth a bit to lessen the blow on the other party? My opinion is this... It is not up to me or you to assume the impact that truth would have on another individual. It is up to me to speak truth or remain silent. I am coming to the realization that silence is invaluable. Silence is the route that surpasses all others. Being silent in a heated debate gives the appearance that you are listening (even if you are not), it doesn't intensify the situation, it prevents you from saying something that is in fact untrue due to your own blinding fury, it keeps you relatively blameless during the dispute, and it leaves you with nothing to apologize for later. If you keep silent and do actually listen, you can connect the dots of what is really going on for the other person. Here is where the line runs thin. Decision time... Once the dots are connected and you see the real reason for the emotion that the person is feeling, do you speak it? Whose truth is it... yours or the person's whom you are analyzing? So many questions. So many options. So many paths and none of them right or wrong.

I used to be an extremely outspoken individual and I am realizing little by little that the more I shut my mouth and observe, the more I learn about the world around me. The only problem with that is that I am only learning about the world and not learning about myself. I have come to the brutal realization that I am not as in touch with my inner being as I once thought that I was. Or maybe it is that I have become less in touch with it as I have grown up and become so involved in the routine of society, responsibilities, money, and duty, that I have drifted away from my inner beacon. Whatever the case may be, it is clearly not healthy. I have a complex about being selfish. Yes, I know *don't go pouring your heart and weaknesses out on the internet* ... I hear the little voice... and yes, I am choosing to ignore it. I am leaving a gaping void in the fortress wall.

Here it is, my mother told me most of my life that I was a selfish little bitch. Big surprise, I was a mouthy teenage girl who was left responsible for the household and myself at age 9. I prefer to think that I was less of a selfish bitch, than a strict female with a strong sense of responsibility for myself and that which affected me. In real terms, a survivor. I woke myself up, fed myself, taught myself school (I was homeschooled), cleaned up after myself, and then... I mothered all the children in the neighborhood when they were sent outside to play until dinner. I have spent my entire life being responsible. My first job was when I was 13 and babysitting, I got another job when I was 15 at the golf course and rode my bike 3+ miles to get there and another 3 miles to get home. At 18 I bought my own car, thanks to a trust fund I had from getting viciously attacked by a dog at 3 years old. With that I also paid ahead on car insurance, bought a mobile home with my boyfriend, funded part of my college, and saved as much as possible. When I learned that college was too expensive to continue I moved back home and got the first job that I could. Thank you Walmart. I excelled in my position and within 3 months was considered for an hourly management position which I lost only due to not being bi-lingual. However, I continued to exceed expectations and ended up knowing more than most hourly and salary managers in my section. When I realized that wasn't going to pave my future I looked to the military and became and airman. Once again excelled in my environment and was chosen to be a student leader in basic training and offered the same in tech school. My grades were second in my class upon graduating and I moved on to my first base. During my time there I filled most of my training log in record time, and upon transferring to my second base, I was told by my supervisor that he was sorry to see such an amazing airman go and that I would do well wherever my path takes me. At my new duty station, I once again completed my training in record time and earned "Performing Airman of the Quarter" for excellent workmanship, cooperation with others, and professionalism. At what I thought was to be my civilian career, I continued to excel by learning and executing with extreme quality and efficiency, every single job description in the entire department, including most of my supervisor's duties as well. I became a lead and then took on another position as well. By the end of my time there, I was doing the work of three different positions daily and still keeping up with deadlines. Now for my current endeavor of college again. I am back in school for a new career path. My first semester back, full time and I finished my classes with a 4.0 GPA, was immediately put into the honors program, and received a letter notifying me that I was placed on the president's list. My second semester is currently underway and I am holding a steady GPA of 4.0. Am I selfish? No. I am responsible. I am a homeowner, I have paid off one vehicle and am still working on my second, I am a parent and a *step*-parent, I have pretty damn decent credit for all the obstacles I have had to face getting to where I am. I work for what I need to survive and I do as much as I can to make life as easy as possible for myself and those I love. Selfish? I don't think so. Ask any of the people that I have opened my home(s) to that needed a place to stay during a rough patch, ask them how much I requested that they contribute while under my roof, ask them if they were fed and comfortable, if they had a ride when they were without a vehicle, if they had a shoulder to cry on when they just couldn't take it anymore, ask them... any of them. No one will. Why? Because no one cares. No one cares what I have done, what I have conquered, mastered, the obstacles that I have overcome. No one cares about the accomplishments that I made and have shared with countless others. The only things they seem to care about are those that I haven't done. Lately, they seem to be the only things that I care about too.

I no longer feel satisfaction for my achievements - It's just "my job." Did I get a reward for doing three people's jobs at work? Nope, I just got taken advantage of, more work piled on me, until I was so stressed out that I couldn't handle it anymore. Where am I now? Did working my ass off on base get me anything more than a stupid plaque to decorate my wall? Or getting a 4.0 GPA get me anything more than a fancy letter of congratulations? No. It didn't. The only things that get me anywhere in life are the things I do for myself and by doing them for myself, I can help others do for themselves. So you see, even though you may think that I make selfish decisions to better my life, it is within doing this that I can help others with their own situations. Having gone through the situations myself, I can understand their point of view, I can give sound advice on what step to take next, and I can help point people in the direction of progress when they feel lost, victimized, and helpless.

In the end, it doesn't matter if people are mean to you, if they lie to you, if they hurt your feelings, if they make life difficult, or stomp on what you have achieved. Keep being yourself, keep doing things for yourself, because in the end... they won't be responsible for you. Only you will be responsible for you and there is no one to blame but yourself. Do the things you like, be the person you like to see in the mirror, be proud of what you have accomplished and continue to do things that you will be proud of because you are the only person who can judge your actions. No one knows what you have done better than you do. Why should you waste this life trying to make everyone else happy, denying your own happiness, when you would touch more people's lives by fighting your own battles, winning your own wars, and having something to be proud of. That is more of an inspiration for others than any words on a poster, any lyrics in a song, or any stupid self help book.

I will not be ashamed of what I am, who I am, what I like, and the path I am on. It is my path to walk and I walk it alone, just as each one of you walk your path alone. Other people's paths cross ours, run together with them, and sometimes we walk the same path for a time, but no one's paths are identical to that of another. We all live our lives, face situations, and experience things differently from the person standing next to us. So cherish your individuality and if you want to sing and dance down your path, do it. If you want to cry and stumble down your path, do it. If you want to march down your path, do it. Whatever it is that you do, own your path because it is yours and yours alone. I would rather inspire one person to live a life that they are proud of than to make a whole bunch of people happy for a minute. I want to be the change that I want to see in the world. That is my path. In another couple of years, maybe my path will change directions or something, but so far... I have been the change and only recently have I diverted from my path. It is time to get back on it. It is time to be nothing more than who I am. I don't need to make anyone else proud but me.


~*Tandiey*~

This... THIS... Is what I'm talking about!

I found this page, accidentally, through pinterest.com and now that I'm reading it... I am realizing (even more than before), that this REALLY resonates with me. Look at what this guy is saying.

"There are times I’ve thought about getting a “real” job long enough to earn enough to hire someone with a dozer to come clear and level a few acres of our property for a larger garden and hay meadow. He could get more done in two days than I could in a month of hard labor.

If I got a job, I could make about $15 an hour. By the time taxes andSocial Security are deducted, I’m making about $12 per hour. Plus there’s the driving time, which in our area would be about 90 minutes each way. Now figure in gasoline to drive to work, which at current rates will be around $120 per week minimum. I’m making about $480 per week take-home pay and spending $120 per week of that for fuel, which leaves me $360 for my effort. But remember, not only am I working 40 hours a week, I’m spending another 15 hours in travel time, plus losing another five hours per week due to the hour allotted for lunch. My job is eating up 70 hours of my time each week, and after taxes and fuel I’m “making” roughly $5.14 per hour of effort expended. (Remember, the government is taking $3 per hour right off the top before I see any of it.)

Now out of that I’ll have extra maintenance on my vehicle, plus the eventual replacement cost since it’s going to wear out much faster and we’ll have to pay insurance on an extra vehicle since my wife will need a licensed and insured vehicle while I’m at work. Since I’m in town every day, we’ll spend more for things we wouldn’t normally have purchased. So let’s pretend I’ll end up with an extra $150 per week to hire a dozer and operator to clear five acres of land. He’s going to charge me $100 per hour, and it will take him about 15 hours to clear and level that five acres. His fee is going to be $1,500. Now do the math. I have $150 per week to applytoward his work, so it’s going to take me 10 weeks to save enough to pay him. In that 10 weeks, I’ll have devoted 700 hours of my time to pay him for 15 hours of work. It would take me about 350 hours to clear and level that five acres by hand. Also, if I do it myself, I won’t be paying $1,200 to the government in taxes and another $1,200 to the gas station, and I won’t be insuring, maintaining, and replacing another vehicle.

The key here is that I’m not going to do it all at one time. In fact, it might take me a couple of years while devoting a few hours per day to the project, but that’s okay. There’s no rush, and I’d rather take the extra timeworking at home than spend it in the city breathing polluted air, putting up with the constant noise, enduring the harried atmosphere, and supporting the government, insurance companies, and oil industry. I’ve done enough of that in my life already. I’ve paid the price of convenience, and it cost too much." -- http://www.grit.com   

I'm sure you just skimmed through that. STOP... Now go back and really READ it. Think about it. Add it up. Doesn't it make SO much sense? No no... Think about it logically. It does. It makes total sense. Ok so, now the result of his hard work... Check this out. 

"If it takes me 50 hours a week to provide those things, I’m still “working” 20 hours less per week than I was before, and we end up with two or three months of vacation time every year to spend wherever we want to be."

They get to take a COUPLE month long vacation... Really? So wait... you're telling me, that if I work, at my own homestead, I get to actually reap the direct reward of my OWN labor, see the progress of my hard work, and feel accomplished at the end of the season or hell... even the end of the day? Wait... and THEN... if I work really hard, I can even get a month long vacation? This sounds like freaking paradise to me. I don't have to drive to a place I hate, to spend all day with a bunch of people that I can't stand, doing something that is super unsatisfactory, so I can pay more money to upkeep the job, the cars, the clothes, just to help someone else create THEIR dream, while still literally only dreaming about mine. 

This right here... this is me now. Except the last sentence. But it will... It will be me. 

"The irony of the situation is that I used to work my regular job, then come home and work in my garden, pick huckleberries, and go hunting, fishing and trapping for fun. Now I get up every morning and do the things I’ve always truly enjoyed doing." 

Love, 

Tandiey

Christmas time...

Well, here it is folks... December 22nd, 2012. The Apocalypse date came and went. No grand earthquakes, volcanoes, meteor strikes, nothing... It was actually a pretty uneventful and relaxed day. At least for me. Had a beautiful Winter Solstice ritual at the house of a wonderful lady in my group. It was a great time, with good friends, food, and a beautiful fire. Today was pretty much the same, lazed around and got some stuff cleaned up in the house some. Went with Derrick to assist in shopping for his 2 older kids. That was only like an hour or so...
Took Rayne to JoAnne Fabrics to go look for some stuff for her altar. She has recently been asking me for an altar so she can kneel by it to pray. Not really sure where she got that idea from exactly, since that isn't what I do at mine... nor do I place my palms together to pray. To each their own, and if that's what feels right to her, I would rather her use her intuition. So we got some cool hot pink sheer fabric with silver stars all over it, for me to sew into an altar cloth for her. Also found a pendant that looks like a fairy door, which was just soooo cool so I think we will use that to make her a "rosary" or prayer beads or whatever you want to call them. Trying to find CHEAP flameless candles is like.... yeah not happening... I'm like down to the idea of buying a pack of 4 white ones and then painting them myself for the colors of the elements. Crazy I say!
While D and I were out shopping today I found this GREAT metal star decor thingy. I snatched it up and it was on sale.... $5.93!!! What a bargain. So it's now proudly hanging on my living room wall :) My first bit of witchy decor ;) Hopefully, plenty more to come. After visiting Robin's house I have SOO many ideas of things to do in mine! It was like a witchy inspiration for home decorating lol. I think I may even want to give up my spotless modern kitchen idea and swap it for a more vintage country feel. *gasp* I know right??!! I guess time will tell. My kitchen works JUST fine for now... even though I hate the pink counters... I still absolutely love my home. Best decision I ever made was buying this house. Even with all it's quirks and problems... I love it. It's mine! It's got space and love, and uniqueness, and charm, and oddities, but best of all, TONS of potential... It's great!
It is SOOO cold today and yesterday! I don't know how long this is supposed to last... OMG!! It's supposed to get down to 37 degrees tonight! That's crazy for FL. Oh well, I guess it's good for putting people in the Christmas mood though. Well, since I'm getting tired now, maybeeeee I should get to bed. Looking forward to the next time I get to snuggle up next to my love and fall asleep. Guess we will see what happens on that front. So be it! Times are changing, vibrations are changing, my life is changing, faster than I ever imagined. If only I would stop subconsciously resisting them! CHANGE IS GOOD TANDIEY!!! lol ok Night...

Love,
Tandiey Lynn

Adjusting...

I am undergoing a whole lot of personal adjustments. It is turning out to be extremely hard for me. The past week has been jam packed with tons of crying and a little screaming, tons of frustration, yelling, and really nice tight hugs from my loving boyfriend who is being very patient and helpful even when he gets frustrated with me and loses it. I can say now more than ever, the phrase, "Communication is everything" has never rang more true for me. If we are mad, we talk... sad, we talk... happy, we talk... disappointed, we talk... bubbling with joy, we talk. How is the other going to know how you are feeling if you do not communicate those feelings forth to one another. My boyfriend irritates the ever loving piss out of me, but I love him so much because he speaks his truths. Speaking truth is one way to keep your power. I need someone that I can rely on to tell me truth regardless of if it hurts or not. He does that. He is learning to deal with me and I am learning to deal with him. It's all a learning process. A very odd one, but we are both learning just the same. I guess that's all I have to say for now. Good night. I thank the universe for bringing Derrick and myself together again after so many hundreds of years. Hail Divine Spirits!

Love, 

Tandiey

Reflection...

I just want to write this down because I have not felt this peaceful since I can ever remember. This Thanksgiving was absolutely phenomenal. Not because of anything crazy awesome happening, but rather almost a lack thereof. Wednesday was a good night, nothing really, just got some stuff done and hung out. Thursday, woke up and kinda putted around for a while, and then Derrick and I got to working in the kitchen. We worked SO well as a team to do everything from prepping to cooking to maneuvering around each other. It was insanely smooth. I made 2 types of stuffing. One for in the turkey and one to bake. They both came out well. The baked one was a little burned on the bottom and dry because we had it under the turkey in the oven for 45 minutes, but it still tastes good and I FINALLY put the right amount of salt in it this year!! He helped me with chopping up stuff and and peeled the potatoes and made snacks and helped me when I didn't know what I was doing. I made deviled eggs for the first time ever! I cleaned the turkey and he cooked the turkey. OMG soo awesome.. it was falling off the bones when it came out and He used wine and butter. Yum. We ate around 4:30 and watched football and just chilled out. It was so relaxing and rewarding and I kept the kitchen clean the WHOLE time!!! I was so proud. I also made Cherry Cheese Pie and Pumpkin Pie too. So delicious... what an awesome Thanksgiving :) Friday we went out to Walmart to get him a microwave and it wasn't even that packed. So that all went smoothly too. We came home and washed and waxed my car and his scooter together with Rayne. My car looks so beautiful! It's so nice to have had the last few days being productive, but also relaxing. It's such a contradiction, but it just worked. Words can really not express how much this Thanksgiving vacation meant to me. It was beyond amazing for me. Everything that I feel life should really be about.

Looking back on the last year of my life it's just crazy... I never ever thought I would be where I am right now with the views I have right now, a year ago. The last year has brought me tears of sadness and of joy both. As of now, I wouldn't change a thing, because it all happened to get me to this place at this moment and this moment.... isn't too bad ;) A year ago, so much was so different and yet, so much the same. I'm changing. I want to change. I'm going to do this. The earth is changing, I can feel her vibrations. I am a very earthy person and I will change with her. This transition may be rough, but I have to remember the beauty that will come afterward. I know it's coming. It's all about adaptation. I'm usually so good at adapting. But this... this has been really difficult for me. It's still difficult. It may take me longer than others to get through this and figure it out, but I WILL do it. I will adapt, change, morph, and re-evaluate. I'm going to have a beautiful life. We will make it happen. I have to remember that not everything is like it has been in the past. Things are changing fast so I can't base my knowledge of what's to come, on what has happened before. It will be inaccurate. That's all for now. I'm ready to sleep. A year... changes everything.

Love,

Tandiey

So bored...

I've been going going going all day today, so now I'm sitting here waiting for Derrick to get here, Rayne is asleep, and I don't feel like being ambitious anymore tonight. I was going to play Sims, but my computer keeps crashing... It's pretty irritating. Hmm... Maybe I'll play Assassin's Creed II. Not a bad idea... Well that writing was short lived lol. Happy Thanksgiving to all!!

Love

Tandiey

What theeeee heck!!!

So i get into bed to go to sleep and I'm like okkkk I'm nice and sleepy... now I'm all like... gotta write gotta write. First off.... my room smells like dog piss... not fucking happy. Don't know who pissed on my floor, but i can assure you if i find out, someone is not going to be a happy puppy. Either way, here's my dilemma... Are we rushing things? Like after knowing you almost a year now and been dating for a month solid and like kinda a little bit before that, i thought we were doing things just fine. Am i just moody? Am i too clingy? I hate clinginess so i hope that's not it, but it's possible since i have been in a relationship where i had to keep 1000% accountability on the other person at all times to not get lied to or cheated on. NOT BLAMING HIM... i did my fair share of fucked up things in that relationship too. Just saying that it's what I'm used to now and I'm probably carrying over habits. Aside from that... i HATE being alone. I feel like i don't know what to do with myself. I get bored and anxious and ansy when I'm alone. I don't like to think too hard either because it ends up bringing good memories or bad memories to the surface and then i cry. Stupid. I hate crying. I'm so sick of crying. To me, time alone is time in fear. Too much time that i could be worrying so i have to keep busy. I went through a phase not very long ago where all i wanted to do was be alone and read, but now I'm so tired that i just wanna sleep. Its not even real tiredness... its like fatigue from constantly battling with all this crap I'm supposed to be over coming... but its like wtf.... how much more is gonna get added on my plate before i drop it and it shatters... until I shatter? I don't even get a chance to clear one thing off before another 3 get added. I need a breath. Sometimes Its like holy crap i have so many problems and issues what is the point of even trying to fight them.

I really dislike doing this on my phone because it turns into slang and caps are all wrong and grammar. Ahhhh.... I'm freezing! Its cold outside for florida and I'm not used to it. Tonight i have got to say a prayer to my Goddess and God for my friend in Ohio. She is going through some tough times so if anyone reads this and would just like to send Astrina Eribus some light or love or prayers... whatever you may call it... that is definitely appreciated.

I have known who my Goddess is now for almost 2 months i think. Recently however, i have been see my God with these beautiful antlers... yes i said antlers, not horns. I'm willing to bet that it's Cernunnos coming to me. I'm sorry but there is something about the goat horns that just makes me cringe. I can see him as a tree or a 12 point buck but not a satyr. Arianrhod has never left my side. Even before i knew it was her. Poor thing... she sent me owls in my back yard to point me the right direction and all i could find was athena with owls. Then she impressed upon me the importance of the stars that i cherish so much. I have stars everywhere. Even before both of these, i had a past life memory that is the reason my life is changing so much now, and she is the Goddess that sits in the castle and realm where the souls wait to be sent back to earth. So she is the Goddess of the Moon, Stars, corona borealis, and reincarnation. She spins the wheel of time for all our lives. Hail Arianrhod. Mother of all.

Anyways, I'm babbling and not gettig sleepy... so i need to sleep. Thanks!!!!

Love,

Tandiey

I have no clue...

So I'm trying to decide what to do... Should I blog about all my issues, or should I watch Suckerpunch... lol right? Right. Well I guess maybe I'll do both. Today I think a lot of frustration and weird feelings have come to a nice pimply head. I didn't even need to squeeze lol it just popped. I can't trust anyone. Not even myself and I think that is what today was really about. I am SOOO mad at people for not sticking to what they say and I have so many trust issues, that the second I see one little thing it's like this huge red flag goes up and I'm all like OMG DON'T TRUST HIM!!! LOOK LOOK HE IS BETRAYING YOU RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK! Even if it's over the dumbest thing. I guess I'm overly sensitive. Everything hurts me. Which is something I'm working on and Derrick is helping me the best he can. Even with me getting so mad at him for what is really nothing in the end. All he really wants to do is help me and make me understand that what I am doing is just hurting myself, which is bad for everyone involved. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. I know he isn't out doing stupid crap with other girls, he has his priorities straight for the most part, and underneath that asshole exterior, he is really a caring, loving, and good person.

I have a really bad issue with saying things. When I was in the shower, I was thinking about blogging when I got out and I really realized that I say a lot of stuff that I don't necessarily mean. I mean them at the moment, but usually not in the long run. What I write down is more accurate of my actual beliefs on any given matter. That being said, I'm going to try to list some of my real issues. 

• Too sensitive to the opinions and energies of others. [*Let others define who I am*]
• Get overly emotional without necessarily rationalizing the situation. [*Just go on how I feel*]
• Feel my feelings too intensely. [*Super happy then raging angry over things that are not that serious*]
• Become offensive when feeling scared or confused. [*If I bite first I won't get hurt*]
• Trouble relaxing without becoming stagnant. [*No in between full throttle and park*]
• Use sleep as an escape. [*Whenever I "just can't take it" I want to sleep*]
• Difficulty dealing with other people's mistakes. [*Sick of having to clean up after stupid people's bad choices*]
• Don't recognize my achievements/accomplishments and don't give myself a fair amount of credit for the things I have achieved. [*Can't pat myself on the back*]
• Worry too much about how other people feel about me and not enough about how I feel about me. [*Hoping everyone will like the decision I made whether I do or not*]
• Seeking approval. [*Just want people to be proud of me*]
• Most of all, not liking myself.... 

Hell, I don't even know who I am anymore. Somewhere in the last... I would say, 5 or so years, I have completely lost who I thought I was, what I liked, and worst of all, I lost my personality. Not to say that I don't have one because... I DO. Just a lot of my old friends will be like, where is the Emmy we used to know? Where did she go and who are you? I think that is one reason I am having this [what I like to call] midlife crisis of mine. Somewhere between becoming a mother, a soldier, and a wife... I rushed into it so hard that I left myself somewhere in the Poconos, to get lost in the woods, never to be seen again. So now, here I am inventing myself all over again. It's really hard. Everything that I once loved, just doesn't really do it for me anymore... My cars, my video games, my clothes, my hair, my music, my computers... I used to be such a gear head, gamer geek chick, made my own style, always doing something new and crazy with my look, I used to love programming and web page design. Now? What do I do now? I get up and go to work so I can pay for a bunch of stuff that I don't have time to enjoy. That's how I feel. What is the point in that? I hate materialism. I like my stuff, don't get me wrong, but what good is any of it if I can't use it or enjoy it. I go to a job [a good one] that I unfortunately, am not interested in anymore... moreover, I actually hate. I dread going to work. When I used to love working there... now I absolutely hate it. Why? Because I can't make a difference anymore. Because they don't listen to the workers anymore, because engineering has their head SO far up their asses that they can't see how they are screwing the rest of the team. So much for one team one fight lol. Yeah... team on 3... 1, 2, 7... Fuck you guys, I'm going home. I want my job to be my passion, I want to LOVE what I do, even if it means working less hours and making less money. I want to ENJOY my life and live it. Love and utilize what I have instead of just obtaining things. I want to make a difference, I want to be happy and put out good energy into the universe. There is SO much bad energy, I just want to be a light in the darkness and show people that you don't have to live by societies stupid rules to be happy. God... I am such a hippie... look what I just said. Oh my goodies... I'm a freaking hippy. Ok ok... on that note... I'm out. I think I just blew my own mind. See... I have no clue who I am.

 Love,

★ Tandiey ★

Happy Dappy - Sad and Mopey

Ok so enough of my happy posts lol. Been going to therapy and it has come out that I don't write enough, no seriously I don't write enough. So here I am late as FUCK at night before a UTA writing... why? Because I have to. I just do. There are a lot of things that drive me fucking nuts, but one of them is unfairness... I HATE to see people who do nothing just given shit on a silver platter. Like oh here is some expensive item, just because I feel bad for you. PITY PARTY... What the fuck people. SRSLY??? Why bother telling our children to be responsible and hard working... I mean, someone is just gonna carry you through life anyways right? Yeah until the whole world is a bunch of lazy assholes that don't want to work for ANYTHING and think that they are entitled to whatever the hell they want. FUCKHEADS... Someone has to work for it... so you are just gonna mooch off of the people that do care enough to work for it, to actually EARN what they have instead of just demanding equal treatment for not effort? WHAT THE HELL... Oh wait, isn't that what communism is all about? Hmmm maybe when you are too old to make your own decisions I will ship your ass to Russia. You will be with a bunch of like minded people then right? Damn... Is Russia even communist anymore??

HATE... Hate is a strong word that I usually equate to wishing harm upon someone, wanting them dead etc. But seriously... what word do I than use to describe not caring whether someone was alive or dead, or wishing that the universe would just make them disappear from my life completely. I would say that I wish I had never met them at all, but than I wouldn't be here writing this... so I guess I can't quite say that. I just don't want to deal with you or think about you or have this disgust for your pitiful, pathetic existence. The thought of you makes me want to vomit. Apparently, I'm not good with identifying my feelings otherwise I would list those too. The second I see your name or anything to do with you I cringe and instantly get nauseous. Then I get angry because whatever it is that you are saying, no doubt has no fucking weight in my mind and is absolutely useless fucking energy being wasted on the upkeep of such a worthless individual. That is what I really think of you. I think you are fucking WORTHLESS, Pathetic, a poor excuse for a human being, unlovable, a waste of atoms and matter. Your energy would be better used as a tomato to feed a homeless person. If I could disassemble the protons and electrons and atoms that create you and reassemble them into something useful for the greater good. I would do it. Because you are a waste of a life, a waste of resources, and a waste of oxygen as you breathe. Not to mention a waste of everyone's money that they so willing just throw at you like you are some kind of saint. FUCK you. Fuck your life. Fuck your existence. If I ever have to speak to you again it will be too soon.

Now that's out of the way... I realize that I'm a fucked up person too, but at least I'm working on it. I'm making an effort. That's what's wrong with America... people all think they are just entitled to shit. NO. Get off your lazy ASS and make it. Whatever it is that you want, make it. You want a house, build it, you want a job, go look and accept what comes to you. You want to be good at something, practice, you want to learn something, research-study-listen-pay attention. GRrrr.... Out of all the things that I have done in life, I don't care. Because everything I have done, has brought me to here.

Where is here? HERE is where I live, in Florida, a wonderful place. Here is my home, which I put an effort into fighting for when they didn't want to trust a 25 year old with a credit score of 600. Here, is at my job... making decent money so I can help other people in NEED, so that they can pay if forward or help people I love because it makes me Happy. Here is where I met my boyfriend. Derrick Shafer... The love of my life. I am sorry for hurting feelings along the way. I truly am. But here, here, is where I am. Here is where I need to be, where my path has led me, where I will learn and continue my journey. Here is where Derrick and I learn who we truly are, together, and apart, and create a life that is exactly what we want. Here is where I catch a break from the shitty lives that I have dealt with just to be in his arms again. Here is where we remember our past lives, to learn from them, to better ourselves from them, and advance our souls to the next level. Hundreds, maybe thousands of years we were apart in between lives together. It is just like now. We know the other is there, but we have our separate houses, and separate times so that we can learn from it and become the best we can, so that together, we can face anything the universe throws at us. Together Derrick, Adrian, my King, we will become stronger than ever, and we will do whatever is necessary. Together we will ignite the fire of life into the world and watch it burn, burn to the ground so we can help the people build a new and better tomorrow. Together my love, we are unstoppable... together... forever. Infinity. For infinity our energy will intertwine for the betterment of the universe. Even in small steps. I feel more for you than I ever thought possible to feel about another human, but that is because you are not just a human. You are part of my soul. Our souls together create a force to be reckoned with. I know that you know it's true. We are one.

Love,
   ~*Tandiey*~     (Tandiey is happy, Emilie is sad, Emilie is not welcome here anymore.)

Storybook...

Here I am... master of words, speechless. There are no words in the English language to convey the feelings inside of myself. It's all swirling around in this weird emotional stew. I am about to embark on an all new journey... a journey of growth... of overcoming fear... coming into my own... learning who I am and what it is that I feel that I need to do... but most of all... a journey of teaching myself happiness. How to be happy, to feel happy, and to recognize happy when it's sitting right in front of me. I will no longer be afraid of being content, because I will be sure to pair contentment with happiness always. Not one without the other.
I got told good job today by my base supervisor. Insane. He also told me that he's seen an improvement in my demeanor. Weird. This week has been pretty easy on base. And Monday night, I bought a new car!... well new to me. 2008 scion tc!!! Yippee!!!  It's charcoal grey and a special edition series :) I have to say it hasn't been bad this week. One more day!!! Ok I'm falling asleep typing.

"Until the sun rises in the West and sets in the East, until the rivers run dry..." scary. I'm falling asleep typing. Good night.

True story...

Love transcends time... I don't care what anyone says... I have found my Adrian I really have. We will live like peasants and feel like king and queen of our own little world. We have a love that outshines the sun and reunites us after centuries. I know I have dredged through terrible lives and amazing lives, just to find you again. You are not only a soulmate, you are my twin flame... half of my soul. Without you I am half empty and only half full. You are a man that has had many names and to me you are and will always be my Adrian. The world is so different since last we were together, but we will do our best to shine the light on the world. You will be the light and I will be the love. The truth hurts... so I will patch the wounds. Together, our potential is beyond comparison. I know that with you, I can conquer anything and with me you can lead the world. I have never been so sure in my life. We are right. We are one. Forever and always, through time, space and universal distance. Adrian and Tandiey. <3

Crimson tears...

07/06/2012 - My heart is burning. No not heart burn... it feels like my heart is on fire. I have a lump in my throat and I have cried so much tonight that I'm pissed at crying. This is my declaration.... Michael Mercantini... I'm letting you go. No longer will I cry because you get to go out and I don't. No longer will I cry because I feel that I have paved the way for you to have a beautiful life. No longer will I cry because I loved you so much and see so much more potential than you give yourself credit for. No longer will I stand up for you when you won't stand up for yourself. I release you from my heart. I release you from my worry. I release you from all bonds to me as a person. You are grown man and you are responsible for your own decisions and I will no longer be your life coach. I love you Michael... and I'm sure a part of me always will, but I can't enable you to skate by anymore. Goodbye Mikey... Goodbye my husband... Goodbye my partner. You are now... a friend and only a friend.

It's time for me to move on. Open a new chapter and change this story till I make a happy ending. Goodbye old life... hello new adventures. I can't lose hope now. It's only up from here.
Take my hand, hold me awhile, tell me you understand. Give me your love and it will be returned, more so everyday. Our love will grow like the mighty oak that you so fondly speak of. One day our ugly roots will be covered by the sands of time and our beautiful leaves will give shade to our generations to come. Hush now my love, no need to speak... I hear you in my mind. You love me now, you loved me then. I love you forever and that's how it ends.

Bettering myself...

Today, I'm making the decision to be a better mom. I need to be more involved in my daughter. I need to write down recipes and cook with her and play with her more. She isn't me and I'm not her. We are not interested in the same things... so it's time for a compromise. I need to quit making her do what I like and learn to help her do what she likes. This decision and awakening brought to you by the movie Brave.

Love,
Emilie

Tandiey

Bedtime...

So as I sit here in bed, trying to go to sleep, all the thoughts running through my head are just insane. Tuesday is someone special's birthday. I keep refusing the title of girlfriend... but  should I really? Why is it that I feel the need to refuse it. Will it really hurt anything? Probably not... my life is already in a crazy shambles. I have a lot of love to give out. If I don't get to express it, I get grouchy. Michael is still living with me for now. Some days I just can't wait for him to get  his own place and other times I'm like damn... I'm gonna miss him. When things are good they are pretty good, but when they are bad, I wanna stab myself repeatedly... unfortunately, there are more occasions that I want to stab myself than there are awesome times. That's why we are breaking up. I hate breaking up. It sucks. Especially when you don't hate the other person. It makes it a whole lot harder. I have work in the morning. I need to go to sleep , but nothing gets sorted out in my head. I hate always feeling out of control like there is some merry go round that I am on and can't get off and don't know when it will stop. I just can't wait for some stability. I think that is really what this all comes down to. I want to be stable in every single way possible. I know that is impossible to achieve, but the closer I can come to that the happier I'm sure that I will be. I will feel like I can breathe again and not have this constant tightness in my chest. That will be such a relief. Well, at least I'm getting tired now. Talking about things even to no-one is an amazing help. *breathe* soooooo complicated. Oh well... goodnight.

"Until the sun rises in the west and sets in the east... until the rivers run dry and the mountains blow in the wind like leaves... you are my sun and stars and I am your moon."

Love,
Tandiey ♡

Recent Dreams...

The past couple of nights, I have been having some really odd dreams! Interesting, but odd nonetheless.

So, not last night, but the night before, It started off with a dream that took place in what I believe to be the 30's.

I lived in the country type area, and to go to any stores we had to walk to the more suburban type places. Our family was poor and we sewed all our own clothes and we didn't dress like the other people or act like the other people or anything like that. So here I am, in my patterned dress that I'm guessing my mother made for me, and what I think was a bonnet (even though that really isn't time period appropriate I don't think), and little brown shoes. I walk into town knowing exactly what I am there for. I'm heading to the bookstore, but I'm scared because I want to find a book about witchcraft and I don't want to get caught because I will be seriously persecuted and maybe even killed. So I get to the store, which is more of an all in one store and the ladies are all wearing nicer clothes than me and I feel even more inferior. They ask me if I need help and I tell them that I am just browsing. They keep asking me, and I keep telling them no thank you. After a while of this, they finally leave me alone and then I realize why they were in a hurry to get rid of me. It is because they are very softly discussing witchcraft in the back room! They were trying to be just as careful as myself. So I gather some courage and put some book on the counter that wasn't obviously about it, but hinted at it I guess, and I sort of gave the lady a funny look like I knew and wanted to know more. She recognized the look that I had given her and asked if I had found everything that I had come for, so I stated that I hadn't and was wondering if she had any more in depth literature that I could see. So she invited me to the back. That dream ended.

Next dream... I'm in Massachusetts, some where in the very new englandy type area. I don't know what year it is, but probably upwards of the 50's. My family lives in a nice cape cod style, 3 story white house. My brother is very depressed about something and wears a red sweatshirt/sweater with a hood all the time. He doesn't want to talk to us anymore. He is mean to all of his friends, and soon doesn't want to eat or come out of his room. He stops going to school and recluses himself to his room and refuses to come out. Our parents think he is going through a phase. I'm playing in my room, reading or something, and hear a very loud thud. So I look out the window and my brother is laying on the ground, face down, spread eagle. He jumped off the roof trying to commit suicide. He was unconscious, but lives and is fine. Shortly after coming home from the hospital, he climbs to the roof again. This time he is successful and dies. I get his red sweatshirt. I start wearing it all the time, just like my brother like a memorial to him. Gradually, I start to feel very depressed and don't want to be around anyone. I start to exhibit the same symptoms as my brother. A week or two later, I'm trying to climb up the side of the house to get to the roof and our house servant sees me and stops me. My parents are baffled. They contact someone. I'm not sure if it was a priest or some other spiritual person, but either way, we realize that my brother was possessed by an entity connected to the sweatshirt and when he died and left the entity with no body to inhabit, it attached back to the sweatshirt and when I put it on then it jumped into me. It took advantage of the sadness I have from losing my brother and used it as a door to enter in. My parents cleansed the house and burned the sweatshirt. Dream ended.

Third dream. Pretty ridiculous because it's fantastical to the max. It was like Game of Thrones, meets Rift, meets real life. We are all amping up for a battle against each other/something/really not sure. The Dothraki are on their horses, Kahl Drogo (Derrick) leading them like the great warrior he is. I was Kahleesi and Michael was Jorah. So Jorah and I are making our way across the meadow when these 3 crazy bitches all dressed in red sheer outfits, all blond, with daggers, come at us. I know they are after me and not him. They start doing this crazy throwing dagger dance thing. They are like boomerang throwing daggers and kind of reminded me of the ones that Mileena has in Mortal Kombat. So they get ready to throw them at me and I kneel down to the ground and put my fist against the soil and cover myself with an invisible shield of protection. Their daggers bounce off of it and it only shows when something hits it. They are confused and just back away. We continue walking. We are walking through all the forest and vines and things and get to this special tree. I don't remember what it is called and then we somehow enter a portal that takes us to the modern day urban area of like New Jersey. (WTF?) So we spend the rest of the dream wandering around trying not to get beat up by random punk kids because we are dressed funny and talk funny. And somewhere in there... there was a Goddess of some sort. She had black long pretty hair, blue eyes, and flowy light colored clothes. Strange.

Last night...
I dream about this freaking abandoned house in Little Gap, near where I grew up. Michael and I go to check it out because I want to buy it. IT"S A SHIT HOLE! He is like are you sure??? I mean I know the house in Florida wasn't great when we bought it, but a home inspector would have a heart attack if the stepped foot in here. So I'm like YES!!! I love it! I want it. So we buy it and I'm telling Michael that I think the people that lived here were named Nancy and Theodore. I channeled that information. It was strange. So I'm cleaning out an upstairs bathroom medical cabinet and I come across some old ass prescription bottles. One had the name Nancy on it and there was one with Theodore, one with Peter, and one with and A name. I think Albert. I ran down to show Michael and he was like whoa. So somehow I found out that Theodore had schizophrenia and that's why there was 3 names. Then I channeled that Nancy and Theodore were me and Michael in our last life, which was very shortly ago. We came back so soon because we hadn't finished our mission so there wasn't much to review when we went back home. So then I find out that the plot of land right next to the house was previously a cemetery *gasp* and I think it's sooooo cool, but Michael is like NOT COOL DUDE. Then one day I was crying because Michael can see ghosts and I can't. So we are walking down the street next to the house and all of a sudden I start crying because I can actually see the ghosts! I was so happy. There were like 5 little kid ghosts. I think like 3 little boys and 2 little girls. So I start talking to them and they all recognized that I was talking to them and the one boy came over to me. So I start conversating with him and Michael sees him and I see him and I ask him to touch my hand and I could feel him. So I'm crying because I'm so excited and I tell Michael OMG I can see, talk to, and feel ghosts now! And the little boy looks at me all confused like and says... oh no, we are ghosts... we are demons! I, of course, freak, and am like WHAT. He says, people have the wrong idea about us. We aren't what everyone associates with the word. When people refer to demons they are referring to (Stregheria term) We aren't that. But at that point I was so disconcerted by the whole event, that I went back and smudged the whole house and did a spell to keep all demons out and put a sea salt barrier around the outside of the house. That dream ended there and I woke up.

So as you can see... I have had a wacked out couple of nights of dreams. Thought I would share.

Love,

Emilie

Tandiey

Well then... Me.

Who am I? Great question right? Well let me just tell you. Here is what I am. I am an opinionated, sometimes honest to the point of cruelty, confidant, dreamer, who tries her hardest to obtain what it is she needs in life. Listen, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings by bringing light of real situations in life. Ignoring things does NOT in any way, shape, or form, mean that they don't exist. If you really think this, than you are STUPID... Yes I said it. YOU ARE STUPID. Sheltering your children from the horrible things that are; in all honesty, reality, is just dumb. They will not know how to handle extreme situations, the will freeze up, have anxiety, panic, and ultimately cause someone's demise. I don't want to be in a fox hole with YOUR kid if they have never even seen a movie of someone getting their head blown off... because when it happens, right there in front of us... I'll end up dying because YOUR kid can't handle the harsh realities of life and death. It's not all fucking rainbows and gumdrops. There is some really fucked up stuff out there. Prepare your kids for reality people... Come on. Do everyone a favor and make sure your kid isn't the reason that an entire squad of troops get's fucking annihilated. Guess that is just my military mentality... Ok, now that I have ranted about that bullshit...

I am beginning to realize that I am nothing like I thought I was. Or I am so quickly changing that I can't even keep up with myself. Metaphysical, Quantum physics, Science, Religion, Philosophy, History... all things that I am finding myself interested in. When did this happen? I have no clue. Somehow, I can do things that I have never even thought about. I can read Tarot cards, I'm beginning Mediumship, I have pretty good intuition, and I'm helping lead a Pagan group... what the fuck? Like for real... no really I am.

My life is so upside down, I broke up with my husband, I got back with my husband, and now he is off his meds, which is totally affecting his personality, and it's FREAKING killing me!!! I don't know what to do. I love him I do, but things are so weird. He is a totally different person on his meds and I honestly don't know if I can deal with him not on them. I love having someone who cares about me and is encouraging and helps me. He is so awesome with all of it. But at the same time, I don't want to be where I am completely driving myself nuts trying to deal with someone, even if I love them. I don't know what to do. I want to cry. I don't want to break his heart AGAIN. How many times can I do this. I don't want him to hate me. I've done tons of things that I shouldn't have, and I know he should hate me. What am I doing? I never know. It's like I always come full circle back to this. I am so sick of fighting for everything. I just want to beeee....... Just live.....

I am a product of all my past lives, Ireland, Italy, some Stone community 40,000 yrs ago, some life in some warrior type land where I was a whore and a favorite of the King. The king was a mighty warrior and always fought right beside his men. He told me many things that a whore should not know about war plans and affairs of the royal house. One day, he went to battle and never came back. I'm sure there are many others that I haven't recalled yet. I have fears, and flaws, and I'm definitely a bit messed up, but I am me and nothing else.

"The bridge, the door is open now, beware the darkness, trust yourself" all these things my guides have told me in some form or another. Confused, that is what I am. I am a sad confused little girl, crying in the corner of an abandoned house, waiting for some amazing man to come and take my hand and give me a reason to get up, brush off, and start living again. Fucking fairy tales... Damn you Disney.

Love,
Emilie

Tandiey

Fuck uta...

This place is such a cluster fuck. Here I am at UTA. I have a PT test. This sucks. I hate it with a burning passion. I've been in the gym for 45 minutes waiting for this to start. At least the day will be half over by the time I'm done with this. That could be a good thing. I'm in such a sure mood. And I'm dizzy and don't feel good. If nothing else, I'm glad I never got the ART position here. Divinity most definitely takes care of us and knows best. I'm counting down the time until I'm done here. 13 more utas after this weekend. I just need to make it through. There are a whole lot of things that I need to work through.  Time to start...

This has been hard...

This week I had a dream. It came to me 3 times in one night, that is how I knew that I needed to listen. I kept telling myself, "It's time". I knew what it pertained to. I knew what I was supposed to do. It was very hard to gather the courage to do it, but I did. I told him that I was done. I just can't do this anymore. He was taking it pretty hard. We both cried for awhile. I had to go to work, so we dried our tears and dismissed it a bit. Then he started acting like I had never said anything, which was frustrating me. I asked him if he was going to stop and he said yes, that it was a habit. Then tonight, I burst out more harshly than I should have. He made some smart remark to me and ended it in "baby" and I spouted off, "I ain't your fucking baby." I guess I crushed him. I walked out after a minute of a blank stare and low snarl. I guess about an hour later, I went to go find him to apologize for being so rude and insensitive, and couldn't find him. So I texted him. I got no response. 11:00 he comes rolling in drunk. He had walked across the street to buy some alcohol. I was playing Socom. So here we are, after all this nonsense, I was wondering where the hell he was and if he was at least ok. Shortly after he comes home drunk, he ends up in the bathroom puking. *sigh* So here I am shooting people on Socom and taking care of my puking husband that I am in the process of breaking up with. FML. I think he does this subconsciously on purpose. Every time that I have tried to break up with him, some "tragedy" happens and I have to come to the rescue. He knows that I can't turn away from some one that I care about so he knows that I will end up helping him. I think he uses it against me with out even knowing that he is doing it. Ugh. How I wish that I was going to work tomorrow. I so do NOT want to be home, near home, with him, anywhere here at all. I am so frustrated and just grrrr. I need to talk to someone so badly, but there is no one here for me to talk to. Of course, like I said a thousand times before... I am always alone, even when I'm not.

Love,
   Emilie

Tandiey

The wanted

"the sun goes down, the stars come out, and all that counts is here and now..."