Recent Dreams...

The past couple of nights, I have been having some really odd dreams! Interesting, but odd nonetheless.

So, not last night, but the night before, It started off with a dream that took place in what I believe to be the 30's.

I lived in the country type area, and to go to any stores we had to walk to the more suburban type places. Our family was poor and we sewed all our own clothes and we didn't dress like the other people or act like the other people or anything like that. So here I am, in my patterned dress that I'm guessing my mother made for me, and what I think was a bonnet (even though that really isn't time period appropriate I don't think), and little brown shoes. I walk into town knowing exactly what I am there for. I'm heading to the bookstore, but I'm scared because I want to find a book about witchcraft and I don't want to get caught because I will be seriously persecuted and maybe even killed. So I get to the store, which is more of an all in one store and the ladies are all wearing nicer clothes than me and I feel even more inferior. They ask me if I need help and I tell them that I am just browsing. They keep asking me, and I keep telling them no thank you. After a while of this, they finally leave me alone and then I realize why they were in a hurry to get rid of me. It is because they are very softly discussing witchcraft in the back room! They were trying to be just as careful as myself. So I gather some courage and put some book on the counter that wasn't obviously about it, but hinted at it I guess, and I sort of gave the lady a funny look like I knew and wanted to know more. She recognized the look that I had given her and asked if I had found everything that I had come for, so I stated that I hadn't and was wondering if she had any more in depth literature that I could see. So she invited me to the back. That dream ended.

Next dream... I'm in Massachusetts, some where in the very new englandy type area. I don't know what year it is, but probably upwards of the 50's. My family lives in a nice cape cod style, 3 story white house. My brother is very depressed about something and wears a red sweatshirt/sweater with a hood all the time. He doesn't want to talk to us anymore. He is mean to all of his friends, and soon doesn't want to eat or come out of his room. He stops going to school and recluses himself to his room and refuses to come out. Our parents think he is going through a phase. I'm playing in my room, reading or something, and hear a very loud thud. So I look out the window and my brother is laying on the ground, face down, spread eagle. He jumped off the roof trying to commit suicide. He was unconscious, but lives and is fine. Shortly after coming home from the hospital, he climbs to the roof again. This time he is successful and dies. I get his red sweatshirt. I start wearing it all the time, just like my brother like a memorial to him. Gradually, I start to feel very depressed and don't want to be around anyone. I start to exhibit the same symptoms as my brother. A week or two later, I'm trying to climb up the side of the house to get to the roof and our house servant sees me and stops me. My parents are baffled. They contact someone. I'm not sure if it was a priest or some other spiritual person, but either way, we realize that my brother was possessed by an entity connected to the sweatshirt and when he died and left the entity with no body to inhabit, it attached back to the sweatshirt and when I put it on then it jumped into me. It took advantage of the sadness I have from losing my brother and used it as a door to enter in. My parents cleansed the house and burned the sweatshirt. Dream ended.

Third dream. Pretty ridiculous because it's fantastical to the max. It was like Game of Thrones, meets Rift, meets real life. We are all amping up for a battle against each other/something/really not sure. The Dothraki are on their horses, Kahl Drogo (Derrick) leading them like the great warrior he is. I was Kahleesi and Michael was Jorah. So Jorah and I are making our way across the meadow when these 3 crazy bitches all dressed in red sheer outfits, all blond, with daggers, come at us. I know they are after me and not him. They start doing this crazy throwing dagger dance thing. They are like boomerang throwing daggers and kind of reminded me of the ones that Mileena has in Mortal Kombat. So they get ready to throw them at me and I kneel down to the ground and put my fist against the soil and cover myself with an invisible shield of protection. Their daggers bounce off of it and it only shows when something hits it. They are confused and just back away. We continue walking. We are walking through all the forest and vines and things and get to this special tree. I don't remember what it is called and then we somehow enter a portal that takes us to the modern day urban area of like New Jersey. (WTF?) So we spend the rest of the dream wandering around trying not to get beat up by random punk kids because we are dressed funny and talk funny. And somewhere in there... there was a Goddess of some sort. She had black long pretty hair, blue eyes, and flowy light colored clothes. Strange.

Last night...
I dream about this freaking abandoned house in Little Gap, near where I grew up. Michael and I go to check it out because I want to buy it. IT"S A SHIT HOLE! He is like are you sure??? I mean I know the house in Florida wasn't great when we bought it, but a home inspector would have a heart attack if the stepped foot in here. So I'm like YES!!! I love it! I want it. So we buy it and I'm telling Michael that I think the people that lived here were named Nancy and Theodore. I channeled that information. It was strange. So I'm cleaning out an upstairs bathroom medical cabinet and I come across some old ass prescription bottles. One had the name Nancy on it and there was one with Theodore, one with Peter, and one with and A name. I think Albert. I ran down to show Michael and he was like whoa. So somehow I found out that Theodore had schizophrenia and that's why there was 3 names. Then I channeled that Nancy and Theodore were me and Michael in our last life, which was very shortly ago. We came back so soon because we hadn't finished our mission so there wasn't much to review when we went back home. So then I find out that the plot of land right next to the house was previously a cemetery *gasp* and I think it's sooooo cool, but Michael is like NOT COOL DUDE. Then one day I was crying because Michael can see ghosts and I can't. So we are walking down the street next to the house and all of a sudden I start crying because I can actually see the ghosts! I was so happy. There were like 5 little kid ghosts. I think like 3 little boys and 2 little girls. So I start talking to them and they all recognized that I was talking to them and the one boy came over to me. So I start conversating with him and Michael sees him and I see him and I ask him to touch my hand and I could feel him. So I'm crying because I'm so excited and I tell Michael OMG I can see, talk to, and feel ghosts now! And the little boy looks at me all confused like and says... oh no, we are ghosts... we are demons! I, of course, freak, and am like WHAT. He says, people have the wrong idea about us. We aren't what everyone associates with the word. When people refer to demons they are referring to (Stregheria term) We aren't that. But at that point I was so disconcerted by the whole event, that I went back and smudged the whole house and did a spell to keep all demons out and put a sea salt barrier around the outside of the house. That dream ended there and I woke up.

So as you can see... I have had a wacked out couple of nights of dreams. Thought I would share.

Love,

Emilie

Tandiey

Well then... Me.

Who am I? Great question right? Well let me just tell you. Here is what I am. I am an opinionated, sometimes honest to the point of cruelty, confidant, dreamer, who tries her hardest to obtain what it is she needs in life. Listen, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings by bringing light of real situations in life. Ignoring things does NOT in any way, shape, or form, mean that they don't exist. If you really think this, than you are STUPID... Yes I said it. YOU ARE STUPID. Sheltering your children from the horrible things that are; in all honesty, reality, is just dumb. They will not know how to handle extreme situations, the will freeze up, have anxiety, panic, and ultimately cause someone's demise. I don't want to be in a fox hole with YOUR kid if they have never even seen a movie of someone getting their head blown off... because when it happens, right there in front of us... I'll end up dying because YOUR kid can't handle the harsh realities of life and death. It's not all fucking rainbows and gumdrops. There is some really fucked up stuff out there. Prepare your kids for reality people... Come on. Do everyone a favor and make sure your kid isn't the reason that an entire squad of troops get's fucking annihilated. Guess that is just my military mentality... Ok, now that I have ranted about that bullshit...

I am beginning to realize that I am nothing like I thought I was. Or I am so quickly changing that I can't even keep up with myself. Metaphysical, Quantum physics, Science, Religion, Philosophy, History... all things that I am finding myself interested in. When did this happen? I have no clue. Somehow, I can do things that I have never even thought about. I can read Tarot cards, I'm beginning Mediumship, I have pretty good intuition, and I'm helping lead a Pagan group... what the fuck? Like for real... no really I am.

My life is so upside down, I broke up with my husband, I got back with my husband, and now he is off his meds, which is totally affecting his personality, and it's FREAKING killing me!!! I don't know what to do. I love him I do, but things are so weird. He is a totally different person on his meds and I honestly don't know if I can deal with him not on them. I love having someone who cares about me and is encouraging and helps me. He is so awesome with all of it. But at the same time, I don't want to be where I am completely driving myself nuts trying to deal with someone, even if I love them. I don't know what to do. I want to cry. I don't want to break his heart AGAIN. How many times can I do this. I don't want him to hate me. I've done tons of things that I shouldn't have, and I know he should hate me. What am I doing? I never know. It's like I always come full circle back to this. I am so sick of fighting for everything. I just want to beeee....... Just live.....

I am a product of all my past lives, Ireland, Italy, some Stone community 40,000 yrs ago, some life in some warrior type land where I was a whore and a favorite of the King. The king was a mighty warrior and always fought right beside his men. He told me many things that a whore should not know about war plans and affairs of the royal house. One day, he went to battle and never came back. I'm sure there are many others that I haven't recalled yet. I have fears, and flaws, and I'm definitely a bit messed up, but I am me and nothing else.

"The bridge, the door is open now, beware the darkness, trust yourself" all these things my guides have told me in some form or another. Confused, that is what I am. I am a sad confused little girl, crying in the corner of an abandoned house, waiting for some amazing man to come and take my hand and give me a reason to get up, brush off, and start living again. Fucking fairy tales... Damn you Disney.

Love,
Emilie

Tandiey

Fuck uta...

This place is such a cluster fuck. Here I am at UTA. I have a PT test. This sucks. I hate it with a burning passion. I've been in the gym for 45 minutes waiting for this to start. At least the day will be half over by the time I'm done with this. That could be a good thing. I'm in such a sure mood. And I'm dizzy and don't feel good. If nothing else, I'm glad I never got the ART position here. Divinity most definitely takes care of us and knows best. I'm counting down the time until I'm done here. 13 more utas after this weekend. I just need to make it through. There are a whole lot of things that I need to work through.  Time to start...

This has been hard...

This week I had a dream. It came to me 3 times in one night, that is how I knew that I needed to listen. I kept telling myself, "It's time". I knew what it pertained to. I knew what I was supposed to do. It was very hard to gather the courage to do it, but I did. I told him that I was done. I just can't do this anymore. He was taking it pretty hard. We both cried for awhile. I had to go to work, so we dried our tears and dismissed it a bit. Then he started acting like I had never said anything, which was frustrating me. I asked him if he was going to stop and he said yes, that it was a habit. Then tonight, I burst out more harshly than I should have. He made some smart remark to me and ended it in "baby" and I spouted off, "I ain't your fucking baby." I guess I crushed him. I walked out after a minute of a blank stare and low snarl. I guess about an hour later, I went to go find him to apologize for being so rude and insensitive, and couldn't find him. So I texted him. I got no response. 11:00 he comes rolling in drunk. He had walked across the street to buy some alcohol. I was playing Socom. So here we are, after all this nonsense, I was wondering where the hell he was and if he was at least ok. Shortly after he comes home drunk, he ends up in the bathroom puking. *sigh* So here I am shooting people on Socom and taking care of my puking husband that I am in the process of breaking up with. FML. I think he does this subconsciously on purpose. Every time that I have tried to break up with him, some "tragedy" happens and I have to come to the rescue. He knows that I can't turn away from some one that I care about so he knows that I will end up helping him. I think he uses it against me with out even knowing that he is doing it. Ugh. How I wish that I was going to work tomorrow. I so do NOT want to be home, near home, with him, anywhere here at all. I am so frustrated and just grrrr. I need to talk to someone so badly, but there is no one here for me to talk to. Of course, like I said a thousand times before... I am always alone, even when I'm not.

Love,
   Emilie

Tandiey

The wanted

"the sun goes down, the stars come out, and all that counts is here and now..."

Finding my path...

I have to say that tonight, I attended my first actual Pagan ritual. It was so neat! I decided to visit a relatively new and upcoming local group of pagans as they had invited me to a Dark Moon ritual honoring the goddess Hekate and god Apollo. It was for them to bring the light and warmth of spring to us and leave the dark months behind. It was quite nice. Everyone there was really cool, down to earth, helpful, and just all around chill people. I'm looking forward to getting more involved with the group. I would love to end up being the Reiki master of our little group :) *squeals* how exciting would that be!! I want to find my path so much and I'm thinking that little by little it's coming together. Just as Maria said, the angels light one step at a time for you to see. I'm ok with that. Really. I know I'm impatient most of the time, but as long as I'm not standing still, I'm alright.
Anyways, I really should be getting to bed. I feel so much lighter since I attended my ritual. It felt like church is supposed to feel and kind of used to feel for me. We did a really interesting part of the ritual in the beginning where the hostess rinsed all of our hands with sacred water to signify washing away our negativity from the day and such. I really liked that part. It all so very symbolic, which is probably why I identify with it so much. I'm a very symbolic person. Ok Ok Ok, bedtime.

Love,
   Emilie


Tandiey

Destiny? Fate? What?

Oye... just oye... Today I was so seriously unproductive. All I did was watch a tv show all day. I watched 12 episodes of The Secret Circle. My mind was cluttered before, now it's even more jammed.
On top of all the magick stuff in the show, what really has me wondering is the whole Adam and Cassie thing...
Can it really be possible for 2 people to be destined to be with each other? Can it be "written in the stars"? It just has me pondering life and love. Soulmates, twin flames, destiny... fate. I understand that soulmates and twin flames are different, now that I've looked it up, but I almost hate to say, I think I'd even be happy with a positive soulmate relationship without even attaining my twin flame. I mean, if I found my twin flame that would be amazing, but the chances of that happening logically are just so slim. I just don't want to have a negative relationship. Soulmates or not... I need positivity and joyfulness not grim drudgery. YUCK! I feel like I am so messed up! It's so difficult to distinguish whether it's me that is messed up or mostly my relationship that is messed up. I don't want to blame anyone, but at the same time, I don't want to blame myself if it's not really me. Credit should go where credit is due regardless of the polarity of the credit itself.

I have felt nauseous all day. I think it's stress. I know that whatever my decision is I need to decide, because it's eating me alive. I need to move on in whatever direction and quit torturing myself. Why is it that I am not ready to do that? What is holding me back, WHY am I holding myself back?
OMG. My head hurts. I wish I could meditate, but it seems like it never gets me anywhere. Literally, like I just sit here and am like oooook anytime now I should like be clearer or something, but nope. Doesn't happen. Grrrr... I'm so Grrrr right now. I don't even know what to write. Soooo the end.

Love,
   Emilie

Tandiey